TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
********
 
~Radio Flyer~'s Avatar
 
Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

Posts: 1,339
Blog Entries: 461
Join Date: May 12th 2016

if theres a god out there - January 19th 2017, 05:43 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I REALLY hope a God out there can kill me once and for all.

That's all. No long rant, no explanation. I'm done. I'm empty. I don't have a breath left in me and for some reason I keep on breathing. Can it just stop?

Things I can't do:
Go to therapy
Get a hobby
Hold on (my hands are sweaty and sliiping off the cliff)
Write my feelings out, seeing as I did that in my blog but it decided to randomly delete itself. And now I forgot everything because the post was about how I keep forgetting things ughhh and I'm scared
Talk to someone-i already talk to myself and to my cat. Need I say more?
start a gratitude journal. I'm thankful for 3 things 1)my cat 2) teen help and online supports 3) that I'm not starving and have a roof over my head
That's one entry and then that journal is over.
I'm angry at everyone in my real life in-person circle. I feel resentment and betrayed and loss
I feel like shouting HELLO IM RIGHT OVER HERE. I AM YOUR SISTER AND I AM SEVERELY DEPRESSED. ARE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME OR CONTINUE TO TORMENT ME AND LET ME DETERIORATE AND WATCH ME (or rather turn a blind eye while I) DESTROY MYSELF???????

I was there for them. I always make that known to them. But I am also known for snapping and having meltdowns. They're tired of me and find it easier to ignore me. They said so. But the catch is that they get it best of both by using my time, resources, energy and then running away when I'm in need. That's when they decide I'm too much for them to handle. But back when I was fulfilling their needs, they were telling me how wonderful I am, then later that turned into demanding things and insulting me. And when my emotional state got unstable, they decided I'm disposable and wasn't afraid to flat out make fun of me. Of course once they need me again, they're back to praising me, I'm so sensitive, mature, self-aware, insightful, nurtuting whatever.I uphold the model behavior by communicating and listening to others and there's pressure to suppress my needs and emotions. Then during meltdowns I'm the opposite, I'm not upholding the stability of the family. That's when I'm the scapegoat, demonized for ruining everything, blamed for disrupting the peace, when before *I* was the peacemaker, stabilizer, communicator, mediator etc but then I become the clumsy, immature overly emotional freak. I get punished, alienated, silent treatment and my experiences are invalidated. I'm seen as the crazy monster who just explodes unexpectedly and suddenly. Oh and apparently I get into "mode" in which I'm reliving the past? According to my sisters. They're also angry at me for it because they said we are not in the past, so I need to stop getting emotional about it and keep up with the program.

Also I don't know who I am and I don't mean a normal identity crisis. I mean I forget who I am for days at a time.


I'm just tired of explaining it all.
I feel so violated by the way my older sister treated me tonight. Maybe it was small for her but it isn't small for me and it isn't random. She keeps dismissing me and invalidating my pain as random and sudden bursts out of nowhere. There's so much that's going on. And quite frankly, she being an insensitive prick is one of them.

I am very shaken up by tonight but she thinks I'm overreacting. What if I am? But the way she speaks to me is just so disrespectful and everything Ive done and continue to do for her, why is she treating me this way? ,
And when it isn't her for a few days, it is someone or something else that becomes more complicated somehow.
Honestly, I am at such a breaking point that I'm thinking back to all the thousands of breaking points I've had and how I don't want to live to see another breaking point. Meaning, I want to die before I get into a state like this next time.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
I have the Millennium Puzzle
I can't get enough
*********
 
Calaer's Avatar
 
Name: Calaer
Age: 24
Gender: Female

Posts: 2,442
Blog Entries: 54
Join Date: March 20th 2013

Re: if theres a god out there - January 19th 2017, 07:01 AM

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I wish that I knew what to say, or what to do to help take the edge off. If you ever wanna chat, you're more than welcome to message me. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Much love.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

  Send a message via Skype™ to Calaer 
1 user(s) liked this post or found it helpful.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
********
 
~Radio Flyer~'s Avatar
 
Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

Posts: 1,339
Blog Entries: 461
Join Date: May 12th 2016

Re: if theres a god out there - January 24th 2017, 01:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calaer View Post
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I wish that I knew what to say, or what to do to help take the edge off. If you ever wanna chat, you're more than welcome to message me. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Much love.
Thank you so much. I'm still struggling tremendously but I guess I calmed down a little. I still want to self harm though.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
I have the Millennium Puzzle
I can't get enough
*********
 
Calaer's Avatar
 
Name: Calaer
Age: 24
Gender: Female

Posts: 2,442
Blog Entries: 54
Join Date: March 20th 2013

Re: if theres a god out there - January 24th 2017, 04:12 PM

I've been there, it always helped me to watch the moon walk. I have no idea. I guess it just seemed so silly to want to hurt myself when there is so much of the world I haven't seen yet. I'm always willing to talk if you ever wanna rant it out. I hope things get better for you soon. Much love. <3


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

  Send a message via Skype™ to Calaer 
1 user(s) liked this post or found it helpful.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
DeletedAccount16
Guest
 
DeletedAccount16's Avatar
Edit avatar
 

Posts: n/a

Re: if theres a god out there - February 4th 2017, 01:36 AM

Hi, Susan.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Care Bear. I believe God loves you, and wants you to hold on through till you reach a happier point in your life. Can I ask why you can't go to therapy? You deserve help regardless of anyone who says differently.

You're incredibly creative and talented. I know it's hard for you to engage in hobbies when you're struggling due to a lack of motivation, but putting energy into something you enjoy may end up lifting your mood when you least expect it. Plus, you deserve to do things that make you happy. You and me have been friends for quite awhile, and I've seen how strong you are; how you have held on even through really dark days. I have faith in the fact that you can hold on through this.

Having things get deleted after you wrote out something long can be frustrating. Would it help to keep blog drafts and continue saving your changes after a long paragraph to ensure it doesn't get deleted? You can copy it before you push to save changes in case you happen to lose your internet connection as you press to save changes. Writing things in a journal may help too. You can get a box that locks and decorate it to look like something casual in case you're worried someone will try to read it.

Cats are incredible listeners and are caring. But you can talk to me, okay? I'm happy to listen when you need to talk about absolutely anything. You can message me anytime something's on your mind. I mean that. No matter how few things, it's wonderful to feel thankful for things in your life; to take everything into consideration and appreciate it. Even if it's only a few things, I'm proud of you for being able to recognize it because I know it can be hard when you're feeling so low. How about keeping that gratitude journal handy, and add things as they come? But in the meantime, make a list of goals and what you want in your future. Think and imagine how much better things will be once you reach those goals and achieve that future. I believe you can do it.

The way you're treated is incredibly harsh. I wish so much that your sisters would be kinder and more supportive towards you because that's the treatment you deserve. Not this. I can understand why you'd feel this angry. I would too. Despite how your sisters treat you, I want to reassure you that you are loved by us and you can always find kindness here. However, I know it isn't the same. I know that kindness from your sisters would mean everything. In the meantime I encourage you to remember that how they treat you does not reflect on you. You're not at fault. You're one of the sweetest people I know.

You help them often and they don't help you in return, so I get why you'd grow to end up snapping and having meltdowns as a result. It isn't right that you, a kind caring soul, drops everything in a heartbeat to help them yet they treat you this way. They should compliment you genuinely because you have a lot of wonderful qualities, not just when they need you. You've tried all this time to make peace within your family and it's unfair that they blame you when you reach the end of your rope. You're not immature, you're just hurt and frustrated. The past hurts and talking about it, and being met with kindness/understanding is a good way to heal and move past it, but your sisters don't seem to be allowing you that opportunity since they're invalidating your experiences.

I want to assure you that you never have to suppress your needs and emotions here. We'll always be here to listen. If it's hurting you and affecting you, you aren't overreacting. When you forget who you are, you can talk to me and I'll tell you all about the wonderful person who is Susan. How she cares about everyone, and everything. Even something as small as a spider; she has a heart that feels for it. What an amazing person she is - just ask me, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you. I'll be here for you if you meet another breaking point so just hold on. You're so much stronger than you know and are worth it.
   
2 user(s) liked this post or found it helpful.
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
god

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.