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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I'm a fucking spaz
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Name: 3mily
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Location: Califronia

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Join Date: March 14th 2016

Thumbs down Life seems pretty pointless. - February 13th 2017, 06:52 PM

recently, ive been going through a rather difficult time. I made some bad choices family wise, like not telling my family about my depression getting to heavy to handle, not using alternatives to self harm, sneaking around my parents to talk to a boy they didn't like, complicating things with said boy, and not telling basically anyone the whole truth. only my side of things i saw in a foggy and irrational manner.
Finally, when my mom decided to punish me for not doing my part in my chores, i decided i had enough. i felt hurt and betrayed. i didnt want to except the fact that I had a problem, not her. that i wasnt doing well. I felt her punishments were out of line and rude. I decided to pack some things and run away with wishful plans of running into the boy my parents didnt like and marrying, getting a job, finishing school, and living happily ever after. I told my brother goodbye and left. as soon as I left however, my thoughts got darker. I had no intent of running away, i had every intent to ditch my belongings and run out in heavy traffic in hopes of being hit. I wanted to find a nice quiet spot in a dirt lot miles from home, and cut myself until i bled out, my body left to be found dozens of days later. Suicide was my mentality. Nothing mattered. I didnt care if i was kidnapped, murdered, stalked, raped, beaten, anything. I didnt care. As i went along, it got darker and colder. I began to panic. out of some kind of rational thinking, I asked a local, about 26 miles from home, to use their phone and call my friend, who came and picked me up and graciously gave me a place o sleep, a hot meal, and a warm shower. I had only been away from home for about 6 hours and already i felt hopeless. my friends dad called my dad, who came and picked me up the next day. without a single word my father drove me to the nearest hospital, where he told the doctor i wanted to kill myself. keep in mind i hadnt talked to him in the last 24 hours. I was enraged. the doctor asked me a few questions, then put me in the phsyc ward for major depressive disorders and irrational thinking. I was held for 6 days. in those 6 days i filed child abuse reports and made a huge fuss. I stabbed my family in the back quite honestly. how i wish i could take all of it back. I so desperately wish i could. in that time also, my boyfriend, the one my parents dont like, found out about what my father said, and made a threat against my father's life, getting himself also put on a 5150 and swinging himself into serious depression. all he will talk about now is how he misses me, how he screwed up, he wants to die and he wants to hurt himself. I've ruined so much for him. I regret it so much. i'm home now, much to the displeasure of my social workers, and me and my family are trying to work through my difficulties. my father especially is trying to get me to understand, and is finally coming to terms with the fact that i have an issue.

I feel rather like I deserve to die for what i've done. I definitely don't deserve life, and I feel like i don't want to deal with the after math of what i have done. I feel like i've lost everything that mattered to me and everything i loved and looked forward to. no more scouts, no more boyfriend, no more friends quite honestly, no more trust, no more anything. i hate myself and i wish i could take back what ive done.

i know the error and magnitude of what i've done now. and im sorry. Im in the process of changing my thinking, and trying to better manage my depression and gain control. but i feel hopeless. like a worthless piece of shit like me should have just died instead.

what do i do? how am i supposed to feel better?

"Those who aim to avoid their fate, often meet it on the road to escape."
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Life seems pretty pointless. - February 14th 2017, 05:56 PM

Hi There,

Don't feel bad for what you've done in the past, you can really only learn from it. I know it might not seem like it but I think maybe some good came out of what happened.
1.) your family now knows that you are struggling w/ depression.
2.) You got help.

Are you still seeing a social worker or counselor now that you are out of the hospital? One of the biggest steps you can take to regaining stable mental health is seeing a counselor and talking about your feelings.

Now that your family knows, can you rely on them? It sounds like your dad cares an awful lot about you. Maybe when you feel depressed, talk to them.

You can't blame yourself for your boyfriend's actions. What he did was out of bounds, and that is not your fault. You can only learn to control yourself, not others. You can be there to support others, but you can't control their actions, and you are not to blame for it.

If your parents don't like him, there might be a good reason for it. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but I was 15 to at one point. And there guys my parents didn't like, and I wish I would have listened to them. Your parents want nothing but the best for you. Try to take that into account.

Know that you are loved. By your friends and family. Know that you can keep seeking help. Your friends, family and teachers can be there to support you. You can seek counseling. All of these help on the path of recovery. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to PM me. Hang in there.
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Re: Life seems pretty pointless. - February 16th 2017, 12:43 AM

Hi, Emily!

I'm glad you reached out but I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time right now.

Life changes and you're faced with decisions often, and you won't always make the right decision. We all make mistakes and it's okay to do so. Mistakes should be seen as a learning experience. Even though it is hard sometimes, it's important to take into consideration why you made the mistake to direct understanding and forgiveness towards yourself. Most importantly; take it as a learning experience. Making mistakes allows a person to learn and grow. It lets us know what not to do, and to change our actions in the future.

You seem like a very insightful person because despite the strong negative feelings you had, you are now able to look back and realize you were struggling but couldn't quite accept it. I know it can be hard to accept but it doesn't make you any less of a person. It's healthy to accept what you're having trouble with so you can then take steps in resolving them to live a happier, healthier life which is what you deserve, Emily.

The night you ran away sounds like a very dark night for you. I can see you slipped into a dangerous state of mind which is why I am thankful nothing happened to you. The fact that you called a friend shows me that inside, you are a fighter. Even in one of your darkest nights, you still made the effort to reach out and continue holding on despite the thoughts from your suicidal mentality at the time. You're a strong-willed person and that's admirable. I'm thankful nothing happened to you, and also thankful for your friend who picked you up and took care of you as well as calling your dad.

Running away and wanting to commit suicide was a dangerous state of mind, even though I understand you were seriously hurting inside. Your dad loves you, and he wanted his daughter safe and met with care and help. I believe he took you to the hospital because he loves you. Although, I do understand why you'd be angry with him making such a decision before talking to you and talking to you about this decision.

The way I see it, your dad knew that you were in a dark place in which you were a danger to yourself, which is why he made the decision to take you to the hospital. Which is why I'm sure he knows that the claims you made about the child abuse reports were due to how you were feeling since you were in that state of mind. I just wanted to ask, the child abuse reports; are you being abused? If you are, you did the right thing by filing reports. And if you aren't, it's important to remember it was because of your state of mind and I'm sure your family understands.

Your boyfriend took the wrong actions, but he did it because he most care deeply for you. Ultimately, his actions were up to him, and you didn't encourage him to take these actions therefore it isn't your fault because you couldn't have known how he'd react, nor did you make him take these actions. Perhaps in the meantime you can focus on taking care of yourself and working things out with your family. Then when your boyfriend gets out, you two can begin a fresh start in a sense.

Do you think therapy would be a good idea? I feel it would help a lot. You deserve help, and having therapy may be very beneficial to you. It's okay to need help, and it's okay to have a problem. Ignoring a problem only allows it to worsen and continue to hurt you, and you don't deserve to be struggling like this, Emily. Self-expression is important as well. Journaling and expressing your emotions in creative outlets may help a lot. Writing down negative thoughts you have towards yourself may be helpful, because beside it you can write something contradicting it. When you have a bad thought directed at yourself, try to look at yourself and the situation as if it were one of your friends instead of yourself and think about how differently you'd handle the situation. Then direct that kindness and understanding at yourself to help yourself come to peace with those negative thoughts and hopefully turn them to positive thoughts.

What happened that night affected you a lot, and did affect those around you, but what happens next could be very positive, you know? Your parents are now aware of how much you are struggling, and can take steps in helping you. Telling them when you are having bad days, and what will help you could be good. I understand you feel like you don't deserve life, but you do. You deserve life and all good things. You are having a hard time right now but things will get better. I know it is hard, but do your best to be open with your family and let them know you are sorry for what has happened and be open about how you are feeling.

You can't change the past; no one can, but you can control the future and that's what matters. You have your entire future ahead of you and lots of wonderful things to come that you deserve to experience. Allow those who love you to help you, and take steps in forgiving yourself because every single one of us mess up too. It doesn't make you a bad person at all, it just means you are human. Trust, honestly, family, friendships and relationships can all be built back even if it takes time.

You're nowhere near worthless, nor should you have died. You're a strong person with a sweet heart and many people who love you, that you mean the world to. It's wonderful that you are taking steps in managing your depression. My advice is to remember that it is a slow process, and every bit of effort no matter how small is a step taken towards recovery. You'll have bad days but we all do, and that's okay. When you have bad days, always remember you have people who love you and want to help. Reach out to your family and us, utilize your support sources because you shouldn't have to go through it alone. Most importantly, always remember that your mistakes don't make you a bad person or undeserving of life, it just means you are human and gives you an opportunity to learn from it.

You can do this and you aren't alone. Stay safe and take it one step at a time. I believe in you. I'm here if you need me.
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