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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jovial Offline
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Not too good - February 19th 2017, 07:27 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

At the moment, I'm finding a lot of things hard. I'm half way through my first year of GCSE and I can't keep up. I've always been gifted with cleverness - in most pf my classes, I would be at the top. However, recently I've started to go downhill. I've had depression for about a year, but not too badly - I've hidden it from friends and family fairly well. But the past few weeks it has been going downhill. At school I haven't talked to any of my friends and at home I don't have any motivation to do anything other than browse through crap on YouTube. I've lost a grip on all my hobbies and don't really do anything now. Some days it will be OK, but others I'll cycle through being sad, angry, stressed and depressed very quickly. Sometimes I'm so messed up that anyone criticizing me a tiny bit will result in me feeling angry, then ashamed.

About 6 months ago I started self harming. I felt it was the only way to vent my frustration. At first it wasn't too bad - just small cuts on my index finger, no more than four at a time or occasionally a small blister with a match. However, the last month i have moved onto my arm, wrist, stomach and bicep. These cuts have been much deeper and some have scarred. They are also noticeable. Last week when I got out the shower, I forgot to put a hoodie on and my dad saw my cuts. I ran upstairs to my room, and when he came up to console me I told him they were bramble scars. He looked so shocked but believed me which made me feel like shit. This is another problem - I haven't told anyone about any of this. This forum is the first place I have confessed to depression and self harm.

I also have suicidal thoughts. These usually occur when I'm in a depressed mood, but can also occur when I appear fine. Once after a row with my parents I even walked to the nearest railway bridge before running away in horror when I realized what I was about to do. It made me really worry and ended up in some deep cuts. Usually when I have suicidal thoughts, I try to snap out of it because I realize how much I want to do but sometimes I just feel hopeless like there is nothing I can do and however I try, it will always end up wrong.

I'm really worried, scared and frustrated at myself and don't know what to do. I came across this forum when I was hurriedly looking on the internet at what other people had done when they had been caught self harming and it has taken me several weeks to gain enough courage to post this. I think this is the best thing to do as I feel like I can't talk to anyone else. I don't want to go to a therapist and I scared of talking to friends or family. i figured the best place to come was here, behind the anonymity of the internet.

I hope someone has some suggestions about what I should do about my life.

Many thanks,
Jim
   
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Re: Not too good - February 19th 2017, 11:21 PM

Hi There,

It sounds like you are really struggling and I am so sorry for that. Depression sucks and I know that it is not easy to deal with.

It does sound like your parents are supportive, even if you have not told them about your depression. If I may ask; what scares you about talking with your family and friends? I think opening up to them would be helpful. I know talking is hard, typically when I am in a downward spiral, I will text my friends or e-mail one of my mentors, and then we will chat about it with whatever I am comfortable with. Maybe consider leaving someone a note, text or e-mail about it.

Are there any teachers at your school that you like and would trust? I know for me, I really enjoy sitting down with my some of professors and venting about what has been going on. Teachers typically go into teaching not only for the educational purposes but because they truly care about you as a person.

I know that you also said you don't want to go therapy? Again, if I may ask, why? Therapy can be extremely helpful especially with issues like depression and self-harm. I know for the longest I was terrified to go, but when I decided to actually get help it was not bad at all, and I'm glad I decided to do it, because I'm working on becoming better.

The issue with depression is it wants you to isolate yourself, you have to be able to combat it. You are no meant to be an island, you are meant to be in a community of people who love you through the good and the bad and I would encourage you to seek out those people. Of course people on this forum are always willing to listen and have your back as well. I am just a strong supporter of having multiple outlets in your healing process as I find it helps you more.

I understand self-harm, but please know that even if it makes you feel better in the long run it doesn't. That urges always come back and as you can see, it just gets worse. It's never enough. Instead of hurting yourself, when you get an urge, do something you like to do. Go for a walk, listen to music, make causal conversation with a friend, etc.

If you are feeling suicidal I would suggest going to your local emergency department and telling them, especially if you feel like you are in immediate danger. Crisis lines are always good to call too!

I really am sorry that you are feeling so low. I've been there and I know how much it sucks. But life is worth living. If you ever need or want to talk to someone, please feel free to send me a message.

Best of luck.
   
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Re: Not too good - February 21st 2017, 06:48 AM

I am sorry you feel so bad.

You are not alone. Many of us have been there.

There is a way out. It's going to seem odd, and counter intuitive, the depression you describe, with cutting and thoughts of suicide, it's not the world, it's your body chemistry is out of balance, and this affects the brain.

Here's a story which describes it better:

http://www.wingofmadness.com/depress...dical-illness/

Any psychiatrist doctor will immediately recognize the symptoms and start you on medication. The first one you try might not work. Keep trying different ones until you find the one that works for you. You'll just know when you find the right one.

In the meantime, a doctor can write you a note so you can take a reduced workload at school. You can sense how much you can handle.

Yes just talking about this with anyone, counselor, therapist, won't help much, because it's a medical problem. The right meds can correct the underlying problem, then everything else will fix itself.

It can help to talk with someone who understands. Someone who's been through it themselves. Parents who want to educate themselves can research NAMI. Also WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) books.

After you are well you can look into mindfulness meditation, yoga, support groups, to help stay well.

First off is recognizing it as a medical condition and treating it with medication. Then the desire to self harm will vanish, you'll feel much better and more normal. (That last one is hard to describe, as you probably have not felt well for so long you don't know what it feels like. It feels like I never think about it, because it's no longer an issue. It's why most people can't relate, because they've never felt so bad that self harm feels good. I've been there so I fully understand.)

Anyway that's the way out. Check the story link above it describes it better.

And you are not alone. Many people suffer similar issues.

Best wishes. Thank you for writing. We care about you.
   
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Re: Not too good - February 21st 2017, 08:02 PM

Thank you very much. It is comments and people like these that help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel

One thing that I forgot to say in my first post is about how I'm not always depressed. It normally runs in a sort of cycle where there is 2-4 days of depressed mood followed by 2-4 days of happiness. Luckily for me, I'm currently not very depressed! This means that looking back on my first post and the following comments, I can see that there are solutions!

I know that I should talk to my family and friends, but I'm worried of what they will think of me. They've notice before and have spoke to/texted me to check I'm OK and I've always replied with the same old rubbish: "I'm fine, thanks for asking". This makes me quite annoyed and upset because I realize that I should accept their help, but I just don't know how to go about it - you don't just go up to someone and say "Hey, I've got depression and occasional suicidal thoughts!"

In terms of seeing a therapist, that is another thing I'm worried about. I feel like I don't need to see one because, compared to other people on this forum, my depression isn't to bad. I'm worried that he therapist and my family will judge me for going to someone for help I don't feel I need. The same goes for antidepressants. However, I know that I should go for help!

Jim out


Think of the baby harp seals!
   
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Re: Not too good - February 21st 2017, 11:24 PM

I'm glad you're feeling better and can see the solutions now, sometimes we need to get out of the fog that depression brings in order to see that it is not hopeless.

Reading your response, I see a lot of myself in it so I can completely relate to what you are saying. My depression is fairly mild where I can go days and days without feeling down, but when it comes, it hits me fairly hard. Also, I understand that feeling of "I cope better than a lot of people I see," I get that. I feel the same way about myself quite often. The thing is, there is always going to be somebody worse than you, but that does not mean you don't deserve help. As humans we all need help. Just because your depression comes and goes doesn't make it any less challenging.

Any good therapist will see that. I didn't think my anxiety and depression was a big deal, but my therapist still treats me with respect and knows that even though I'm fairly good at coping that I still have a problem and it needs to be addressed. I think seeing a therapist would be quite helpful. I know a lot of people who don't have a mental illness who just see therapists because they like having someone to talk too. Never think you aren't enough or they are going to judge you. Therapists are typically the least likely people to judge you.

As for your family and friends, I understand not wanting to tell them, as well. I still go back and fourth, but when I do open up I feel quite relieved and I know that they want to help me. I typically will open to one person at a time and that makes it easier on me. It's really good for you to have a mixture of people in your life to help you. I think opening up would be helpful, even if for now, it's just one person at a time.

I have faith in you! <3
   
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Re: Not too good - February 23rd 2017, 09:47 PM

Thank you so much for replying. Again, it means a lot to me and it is really helpful that someone else feels so similar to me.

Whilst I haven't spoken to my family yet, I have told a friend. While she is a particularly close friend of mine, she is very empathetic - about a year ago she went through a similar problem to mine. She is now one person that knows truly who I am and doesn't just see the faked façade. We haven't physically talked about it yet, she just asks me how I am when she sees me at school; we have so far just talked/vented our problems to each other via text.

Telling someone about my problems ha taking a huge strain off my mind and Has generally made me feel quite a bit better. There are still ba days though - my left leg is shredded with over 50 cuts because of a minor disagreement with my orchestra conductor. However, my friend and I are both working to stop our cutting. We can only hope that this works! Also, as a side note, how much have other people's self harm scars faded - I've still go some fairly obvious ones, but I know I can't hide my arms forever.

While it is all very good to speak to a friend, I'm starting to realise the importance of getting a therapist - it is going to be near enough impossible to beat depression on my own. Luckily my friend might be able to put me in contact with one of her old therapists.

Many thanks for reading, appreciating and helping.
<3 Jim
   
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Re: Not too good - February 24th 2017, 07:24 PM

I enjoy reading how everything is going positive for you!
Thank you for sharing!
I wish you well in your journey through all of this, and if you ever need anything, feel free to send me a message at any time. I'm always here to listen to anything going on. <3
   
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