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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Thinking Offline
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Exclamation It is so hard... - February 26th 2017, 09:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(Let me clarify that I am completely free from suicidal and self harm thoughts, which make things even harder.)

...........

The worse thing is not suicidal or self harm thoughts. Its you know you want to do it so badly but you also know you musn't do it...

Why must everything be so difficult for me? I always forget why I must try to be happy now. I always forget why I must work hard for better uni, and better future. I always forgot why I need to be positive when I still able to. Why do I always cannot forget that I will only have few more years left to be happy?

Either being smarter or dumber will make my life so much easier. Either being more extroverted and having friends like others or being more introverted and rejecting all people will also make me so much easier. But I am not, and thus in the miserable state I am right now. Why do I have to be at the middle of everything? Why must all of these be so difficult for me? I know there are many others who also had the same thing, but why me?

It is so hard to forget the fact that I will only have a few more years left to be happy, untill absolute depression and loneliness takes over till the day I die. Its so hard to forget it. I want to cry, I can't. I want to rant, I can't. I want to escape from it, I can't. I want to end this all, I can't. I want to harm myself, I can't. There is no way to solve this, and its so hard. I had to keep telling everyone I am fine, nothing is wrong, and I told myself so many times this way. It worked and I lived with my own lies for so many years. Now, I am about to face it, and I am going to be alone. Sad. Lonely. Forever. And nothing can help it. I know I can't be helped, so I want to help others, and I will continue doing so because that's the only way I can keep going.

It is so hard. To think of absolute depression and loneliness eventually takes over till the day I die is horrible. Its so hard.

I am a horrible person. I need to see other's sufferings to remind myself I am lucky and then lie to myself that it isnt that bad. I am so selfish.

I dont know what I can do anymore, I only know I cannot do self harm and suicide, and must live through all the suffers I deserve.

It will never end.


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.

Last edited by Thinking; February 26th 2017 at 10:14 AM.
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Re: It is so hard... - February 26th 2017, 04:43 PM

Ivan, I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you're in such a dark place. You don't deserve to suffer or have this kind of crippling depression that makes you wish to be dead. I don't know you, but I can imagine that you are a lovely person; you might think so, because even if the midst of this, you seem to think of others and I think some part of you wants to be better/healthy mentally.

Please consider reaching out for help. There are several suicide and depression hot lines including The Trevor Project, Kids Help Phone, and a whole bunch of others that are listed here. You can reach out and ask for help.

You can also go to see a therapist or guidance counsellor. I have been in therapy for almost a year and I love it; my therapist is amazing and really helpful. Many affordable options exist, I know places that will operate on a sliding scale, especially for children who don't necessarily have their own money to spend.

Things can and will get better.




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Re: It is so hard... - February 28th 2017, 05:21 PM

Hi Ivan,

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Just to start off, you're not selfish. Everyone has their own struggles and everyone handles them differently. Don't think about other people, try not to think about 'oh they have it worse then me'. I find that will only make you feel worse. Focus on yourself, and take care of yourself.

Maybe you could try talking to someone. Try and get a safety plan in action before you go back into a horrible depression spell. I've gone through many of them and I know how hard they are to get through without support.

Just remember, you don't deserve this. You aren't the cause of your unhappiness.

Stay Strong,
Brittany



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stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”


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Re: It is so hard... - March 3rd 2017, 07:03 PM

Hey Ivan!

Thank you for posting here for help. You don't deserve to feel this way alone in silence.


Thing is, no one is ever happy or positive all the time and that is okay as long as it isn't having a negative affect on your life. For example, someone with out a mental health problem has bad and negative days. But for those who have an illness such as depression, those days can be more often and over take and it's about taking control back. But nothing lasts forever. Not sadness and not happiness. Life is made if lots of things and we feel all emotions and it can constantly change.


There is nothing to say or prove you have a few years left until depression hits you for the rest of your life. Depression is a treatable illness. And while yes, you can struggle with it for life, there is treatment out there to help manage it so your life is some what stable, such as therapy and medication.

I know telling people how we really feel can be hard but it can often help too. Do you have anyone you can talk to about all this? It might even be worth seeing your GP/Doctor and looking into counselling. Sometimes the hardest thin and the right thing are the same, you know? Talking to someone might be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it might well be the right thing for you to help you get help and support.

And you are in no way a bad person. You may have done bad things, I think we all have but that doesn't make us all bad people. We make mistakes and we learn from them. Its vital not to punish yourself because of them. You deserve life, a future and happiness just as much as every other person in the world.

Everything ends and so will this. In the meantime I think you need to try and use alternatives and distractions to self harm etc, build a good support network and try and use self positive talk. You can and you will or you can't and you won't. But just remember you are not a bad person, you deserve help and to feel better and you are never alone in this.

We are always here. Don't suffer in silence.
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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