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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Danielle
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need opinions - March 9th 2017, 04:15 AM

I have this nagging feeling that goes away when my mind is occupied, but that returns in an instant when I find myself in a free moment. My brain could go numb with the thought because it is in my mind so often. I know I cannot be alone in this, but I need some help.

I have this aching, like whole body aching, to die. I just want to die. I sometimes imagine losing control of my car and crashing. I sometimes hope that I won't wake up the next day. I don't want to live my life, but I don't want to end it either. I want to die, but I want it to be out of my hands. I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to be the one to do it. I don't want my family to ever know that I had these thoughts. I am hoping for something bad to happen, and I don't wake up.

The thing is, I have a seemingly put together life. Aside from some of the family issues and drama, my life is seemingly livable. I have a great family. I recognize that I am surrounded by some extraordinary people, but I don't want to live. And I don't know what to do.

I either want it to go away, or I want to just die already. My dilemma is that I feel like I have no one to talk to. I know what many people will say when they hear that. They will say that I just need to find that one person. I can't bear to do that, again. I have watched others look at me differently. I have watched others grow apart from me. I have watched my best friend walk away from me. I don't want to that again. I don't want others to try and encourage me to do it again because I just can't.

I think that maybe my doctor could help. Maybe I could find a therapist. But how the hell do you explain to them that you want to die but you aren't suicidal. How the hell do you convince them not to have to step in. Because no matter how you spin it, it doesn't sound good. They'll be forced to intervene. I don't know what to do because I don't want to live this way anymore, but I really don't see another way around it.

So unless someone can convince me that the therapist or doctor won't go crazy on me for trying to explain myself, I will just continue to live my life of misery.

Last edited by a_place_in_this_world; March 11th 2017 at 03:09 AM.
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del677 Offline
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Re: need opinions - March 9th 2017, 07:30 AM

A psychiatrist doctor will understand. This is what they specialize in.

I tell my psychiatrist doctor when I've had thoughts of suicide. Thoughts aren't the same as actions. He'll ask if I'll be OK. I say Yes, I'll be OK. He prescribes some antidepressant medication, tells me to return in 2-3 weeks for a follow-up, and sends me on my way.

Then I see my talk therapist, and tell her I've had thoughts of suicide, but I saw my psychiatrist doctor and he prescribed some antidepressant medication, and I need to try it for 3 weeks to see if it will work, and her job is to be available if I need someone to talk to, and she'll ask if I'll be OK, and I say Yes I'll be OK, I won't feel well, but I'll be OK and I'll let her know if it gets worse.

I've learned these thoughts are temporary, and I just need to ride them out. Eventually I found the right medication that worked for me and it was really fantastic and wonderful and it allowed my brain to heal, which took a long time, many months, but after the first two weeks I was well enough I could tolerate being alive again, and it was great that I slowly kept getting better and better. My talk therapist was just there to help me along. The medication is what really fixed me, in a way I never thought possible.

Yea both the psychiatrist doctor and talk therapist will understand. It's actually common. You're not the only one. You're not alone. They'll be impressed you are seeking treatment, which means you want to live, (even though you also want to die, Yea I've been there!). They really have to take your word for it because there is no lab test. The only people who end up in the hospital psych ward are people who either actually attempted suicide, or people who ask to go there because they want to be there. (And even the ones who attempted suicide get released way too soon, because it's expensive.)

We also have a county psychiatric health facility. Most people there come from the jail. They have a psychotic breakdown, it's obvious these people need medical attention, they get transferred to the PHF where they get the right treatment, and eventually transition to outpatient treatment.

So you won't end up there, because there's too many other people in front of you, and they actually want to get people out as fast as possible to make room for new people who need it even more. You obviously aren't psychotic, as you wrote a nicely written post above, you aren't having hallucinations, you're just seriously depressed, so as long as you say you'll be OK (that being a relative term), meaning you say won't do anything to seriously harm or kill yourself, then they'll believe you, and get you the help you need.

And yes I've experienced first hand when I found the medication that actually worked for me it was a big game changer and I'm fine now. So there definitely is hope. You won't have to suffer like this forever.

Best wishes!
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Chaotic_ Offline
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Re: need opinions - March 10th 2017, 12:50 AM

Hi There,

First of all I am really sorry that you are going through this. It must be really tough on you and I am so glad you were able to get it out here.

As for the part of a therapists having to intervene, I don't think that they would. I am not sure where you are from, so I cannot 100% guarantee that. But if you tell a counselor that you feel like "dying," but don't have any plans on suicide typically they will just use talk therapy to help you out and get through this.

I think finding a counselor would be a good first step, especially if you don't want to tell anybody you personally know.

If you ever need to talk about why you feel this way or just in general want to chat, feel free to message me.
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