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Thinking Offline
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Unhappy I actually choose to be depressed... really?! - March 28th 2017, 06:24 PM

I have no friends. I choose to have no friends.

They said that I am stupid. They said that I choose to be sad so that I have an excuse to be unproductive. They said I caused them to be unproductive, though its just 1% of the reason. They told me to stop being emotional. They ask me why do I ignore others advice. They told me its okay to be sad, but don't show your temper. They told me they haven't give up on me.

I didn't answer them any of these. I am speechless to read what they wrote.

I already know I am stupid, its okay though since it won't make felt even worse with what you say. Fine, I choose to be depressed, so that I will happily choose to suffer everyday and perhaps jump off a building one day. I know I am a burden, and its not 1%, just say that its 100%, I won't mind if you say it out. Okay, I will try not to have emotions, because any less emotional means I still feel terribly sad, so I will not have emotions and thus includes I don't feel you as my friend, I have my family and its enough. I know I am a horrible person, and I choose to show my temper, then the best person I should punch right now is you... I don't even hurt anyone physically nor mentally! You don't have to give up on me, its me choosing to give up on you.

Its my fault. I am the one who not take in advices and keep choosing to be sad. I will keep telling myself this, since what else can make me feel so sad all the time? Nothing should make me feel depressed, or I could have choose not to be sad right? I think so.

They don't understand why I push them away, because I don't want to hurt them, and I don't want them to hurt me since one more person who tried and failed means one less hope I can be happy. They don't understand... that self blame is already way more than what they can blame me, and nothing can make it feel worse.

The truth is I don't blame them since they can't help. The truth is I had no one to talk to and I deserve no friends. The truth is I shouldn't have even ask for help. I should shut everything down so that there is nothing to choose anymore. I won't be a stupid person who choose the wrong things in this way. Agree?

Edit: here is a legit reason why you should agree. I choose to keep feeling sad after reading my own support post. Don't blame the post, since its not because the post not helpful, its because I choose to be sad after reading it.

Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
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Re: I actually choose to be depressed... really?! - March 28th 2017, 09:46 PM

Hi Ivan,

First, I just want to mention, that I'm really glad you've decided to reach out to us here. I know you recently posted the support thread, but sometimes, it's hard to listen to our own advice, I'm bad for that.

One thing that bothers me the most, is when people say that we choose to be depressed. People who don't have mental disorders, don't really understand what it's like. I actually was talking to a friend about this last night. He wasn't diagnosed with depression until he was older. Before he was diagnosed he always thought we had a choice to be happy or sad, afterwards he realized he was completely wrong.

When I get depressed, I also push everything and everyone away from me. I'd rather be alone, but as we all know, isolation is never the best idea. You deserve friends who will be there for you and support you, you also deserve to be able to reach out for help and support.

I do hope that you start feeling better soon. I recommend reaching out to a counselor or doctor and let them know how you're feeling. Just remember, you're not alone, we are all here for you.

Stay Strong,

“You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”

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Re: I actually choose to be depressed... really?! - March 30th 2017, 10:26 AM

It certainly sounds like a medical disorder. Depression of the type you describe is a medical disorder. You can't talk your way out of a medical disorder. (In fact that's one of the clues, talk therapy doesn't help much.)

The other people apparently are not familiar with this type of medical disorder. They try to make sense of it but they can't.

Chose to be happy is like saying chose to not have cancer. It's not possible.

Happiness is a condition of the body. That may seem counterintuitive, but it's how the body/mind thing works. Fix the body and the mind starts working properly again.

A psychiatrist doctor can find a medication that works for you and the brain can slowly heal and then you'll eventually feel much better. You'll reach the point where can be happy. The meds don't make you happy, they fix the underlying problem so you can be happy.

(It took me a while to realize the problem wasn't with the picture, the problem was with the camera.)
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