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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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I've Given Up - April 7th 2017, 01:53 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel like I've tried everything and it's failed, so I can finally quit. I've held on for 15 years trying to believe that it would get better and working my ass off. All I got to do was watch everything fall apart while being blamed for doing it to myself. Even my therapist (expert in disorders related to mine) is at a loss. She referred me to a psychiatrist for medication and I took their first available appointment in JULY. I'm doing an intake for voc rehab on Monday, but after multiple people with the same condition told me they either had a negative experience or they couldn't be placed, I don't see much point. I don't think I can take another disappointment. My therapist believes that my attitude is causing the problem, I've always said that it's the opposite. The effects of growing up with this have caused the depression and when I've done everything I can and nothing has worked what the hell am I supposed to do?! No amount of "positive thinking" is going to fix this! Positivity takes effort at this point, and it's never been worth it. I can go in as hopeful as possible and I just end up crushed. Living with this is like watching a train wreck; I can see disaster coming, but there's NOTHING I can do about it, then I get blamed for running myself into the wall. I know rebuilding my life is my responsibility, but if nothing I try works and the resources I reach out for don't help there really may be no way out. I'm really starting to see why this diagnosis has such a high suicide rate and I'm wondering why I didn't just do it 15 years ago. Look what it would've saved me.

We delayed our session an extra week because there's nothing more my therapist can do until I meet with voc rehab. I agree that going in before then would just mean going over all the same stuff we've been stuck on for weeks now. She's convinced that I won't know until I try and that if I can just have some success at SOMETHING, then I can start getting out of this. I'm convinced success will not happen for me and if I fail either way, giving up is a lot less work. Everyone is convinced that someone else has my answers and I'm convinced they don't exist. I'm one step away from having to apply for SSI which I'm virtually guaranteed to be denied. I'm officially a worthless waste of space and my only purpose seems to be everyone else's punching bag.


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"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte

Last edited by Kate*; April 7th 2017 at 05:41 AM.
   
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Re: I've Given Up - April 7th 2017, 07:19 AM

Thank you for writing. I apologize I don't recall what I've said in the past. Was it Non-verbal Learning Disability?

Does that mean you don't read "information" in other people's eyes?

Possibly your counselor isn't specialized in NVLD? I think you are correct that your therapist has it backwards.

have you been seeing a psychiatrist yet? That can help a lot if it's a medical problem. (Deep depression to the point someone wants to die or cuts themselves is a medical problem and the right medication can bring a patient up out of that state.)

Finding one friend or small structured social groups can also help greatly. For me it helps greatly if the group activities are structured enough so I always know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Support groups can be wonderful if one can find them. (Similar to AA groups, except I don't drink so I don't qualify.)

I myself have decided not to allow myself to get my hopes up whenever I find what looks like a perfect job for me, or any job for that matter, as I've noticed I take it really hard when I get that boilerplate rejection email. I take it way too hard! So the only way I can think of to avoid that is to just apply for a job, write it down on my spreadsheet of jobs I apply to and keep track of, and then forget about it and don't think about it at all, and especially don't allow myself to become hopefull that I'll actually get an interview. That way when I don't get the interview the let down isn't very far.

I've studied a lot of books on Body Language, I have apps on my cell phone that help me practice reading facial expressions. I read all the books on Aspergers.

What helps me a lot, I've probably already mentioned this before, Mindfulness Meditation. (Can substitute Yoga, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi.) This really cuts down on the anxiety after a few months of doing this, which in turn makes it a bit easier for me to engage.

Also having a Question Bank of questions I can ask to make conversation. (I can send you what I have so far if you're interested.)

Now I'm a bit more prepared to engage with other people in social situations. I have a toolbox of Question Bank questions so I can start a conversation and keep it going. I also know how to end a conversation so i can exit. (Good to know so I don't have anxiety entering a conversation.) I'm more relaxed because I meditate a lot. (Exercising a little seems to help a lot too.)

I've reached the point where just recently I took on someone else who has similar problems and I'm starting to teach her everything I know. (Last step in mastering something is teaching it to someone else.)

I'm considering starting a support group. Not exactly sure who it would be for or any details.

I'm also trying to look for a vocation where my deficit is actually an asset. Such as working with mentally ill people. It doesn't bother me if they become angry or are out of touch with reality or whatever, I can easily tolerate such things, which apparently "normal" people have difficulty doing. So there, my deficit is now an asset. Plus I'm really bright and intelligent and do a lot of reading because I'm curious to learn more.

I do see the world differently. Some people tell me that's a strength, as I can solve problems that other people find intractable. But it can also be a deficit, as I can't always understand other people's questions. It's as if I've traveled back in time to medieval times, and I see a sick child, and I think, "This child needs some medicine," but the town folk start talking about witches and spells and deamons and other what to me is comlete nonsense, but to them it's how they view the world and interact with it, but I don't speak their language. Yes I have a solution for their sick child (let's assume I have a pharmacy back in my Tardis).

Oh, and start that SSI appliation ASAP! My understanding is even if you initially get denied, if later on they do approve you, the approval goes all the way back to when you initially applied, and you'll get a large sum of back pay, so the sooner you apply the better!

Sorry I guess all I really have to offer is suggest take an easy yoga class, or meditation class, or find a group meditation, or structured support group. (I spend a lot of time just doing things to keep my mental health well.)
   
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Re: I've Given Up - April 7th 2017, 07:51 AM

In my particular case, I seem to pick up or read more than I'm supposed to be able to with it, but I don't respond correctly. I mean well, stuff just comes out more bluntly than I intend it. That's part of why it's so frustrating, I had my life ruined on the assumption that I "lack empathy" when I don't actually lack it, I just can't express it appropriately, so I'm supposedly going to harm people. We also tend to have a ton of learning issues, slow cognitive processing, and executive functioning issues.

Therapist isn't an expert in NLD, but in Aspergers, which since NLD can't be considered a diagnosis, is probably as close as I'm going to get to a professional with experience who might kind of get it. She told me last time, she's not even technically treating the NLD, because "There's nothing to do for it."

I've never seen a psychiatrist before and was hesitant to start medication. If therapy could help I figured I would try that first before going on anything. After 6 sessions therapist referred me. Their first available appointment (which I booked) is July 3rd.

I'm virtually guaranteed to be denied SSI, and I REALLY don't want to go on it. So, we're trying voc rehab first. If I can get a job where I make enough, then I don't need it, and if I can't be placed, it'll strengthen my application because I'll have proof that I've tried everything to get a job and failed. I know people with this who voc rehab failed to help and they still didn't get SSI, I've learned to expect the worst.

Most structured support groups are either too specific (must have a given diagnosis), or I'm over the age limit.


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Re: I've Given Up - April 7th 2017, 11:20 PM

I studied body language, thinking it would help me read others. I ended up becoming more aware of my own body language, making sure I'm sending the right body language message.
   
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Re: I've Given Up - April 18th 2017, 02:44 AM

Hello Katie! I am absolutely sorry for you when I read this, and all of your other threads. I wish I can do anything to remove that pain from you.

>> My therapist believes that my attitude is causing the problem

- He is completely wrong. It is this thinking that other people instill to me that caused me in a miserable state for the past few weeks. But I fought that thought, and I know its comepletely wrong of them to say that. I am very sorry that your thrapist, supposedly the person you trust the most, had said unbelieveable words like this. Its very hurtful, I know. Its like blaming a frail patient who is unable to carry heavy objects, because he is sick, not because the object is heavy. This is completely wrong.

You dont choose what you feel at all. I personally know how much you struggled through your life for so many years. If its just a matter of choosing, why wouldn't you choose happiness, right? I am sure you would have chose happiness. But it doesnt work this way, sadly. You are right, its the problems you had in your life that makes you felt despair and depressed. And for your case its because of the disorder. YOU DONT CHOOSE TO HAVE IT! I am completely pissed with anyone who said otherwise!

I am absolutely sorry that I can't help much. If anything I can do here, it would be to remind you that you are not the cause of your sadness. Your therapist is completely wrong with that. But you can choose to try again, and we are all here to give you the strength to try again, okay?

>> I'm really starting to see why this diagnosis has such a high suicide rate and I'm wondering why I didn't just do it 15 years ago. Look what it would've saved me.

- Kate, there is a reason why you are still here. You are an amazing person who can do good things. I know you really don't see any hope in your future. But the fact is there is hope everywhere. Its okay if you don't see it, we shall be here to let you see it one day. We are all here for you, we are here.

>> I'm officially a worthless waste of space and my only purpose seems to be everyone else's punching bag.

- I completely understand why you think so. I understand! What you saw is rejection, isolation from other people, and that's what the result shows. So you are making the conclusion that you are worthless. I know, its that simple, I get my results and I make a conclusion from there, it makes sense and nothing can be wrong isnt it?

I want to tell you that this is absolutely false. I understand why its very hard to accept the fact that what you see doesnt imply what you are. I struggle with this fact for years as well. I thought everything is simple, that if I do well, I get good things, and if I get good things, I am good. But its not, sometimes you are a good person, but you still get bad things. But that doesnt mean you should give up on hope. Good things will come, and when they do, embrace them!

I know why you can't see hope because of the disorder. I know, there are many people who are bad, and they treat you very badly. I am very very sorry for that. If I were you I would also be in the same situation as well, that isolate everyone I see and rather choose isolation than trust. That's exactly what I do before I get out of darkness back then. But, a very big but here, there are kind and good people around us. They are compassionate and will try to understand your sufferings, and will never treat you badly. You are not everyone's punch bag. You deserve so much more than this. And also, you have us! We are all here to listen and help you. One day you might choose to give up on your life, but we will never give up on you. We are always here to try to fill up your strength and to let you keep going. Because we see hope in your own life! We will never give up to let you see hope.

Because we genuinely care for you. We offer help solely for a reason: To help you and make you happy. There are people out there which will not only consider about their needs, they will think about yours too. And we are here to let you realize this. The world has hope in it, remember that!


You can be better. If ever you want to talk, dont hesitate even a bit to write to me, anytime.

Ivan.


Do my best at everything I can to live a happy, perfect life.

Happy life won't come by being happy everyday. Struggle and always work hard.

Forgive other's imperfection, they will work hard about it once I point it out to them, just like what I should be doing.

On the other hand, never tolerate with my own mediocrity. Never slack and always strive improvement.

Never settle. Never give up.
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