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Chaotic_ Offline
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Name: Cass
Age: 27
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Posts: 119
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My Dysfunctional Brain. - April 10th 2017, 06:07 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My thought process has been all over the place recently. My life is super busy between being a part-time student and running my online business, while trying to have a social life and manage my depression and anxiety, it gets really exhausting.

I'm in therapy and we've kind of noted that a lot of issues stem from "self-worth," issues, which I completely see now that he pointed out. When I get upset, or something happens I instantly start thinking about how "stupid," "worthless," "burdensome," I am.... recently a friend and I got into an argument, and he basically called me stupid and then played the victim because I "insulted his research" aka he pulled a random article off of google, so I referred him to a study done by Harvard. Then he went on to say how it's okay for me to be upset by his words but when I do it there's nothing wrong....but literally all I did was point out that his research was inaccurate and was proven to be inaccurate by people a lot smarter than the both of us, honestly. This happens a lot of with him, we argue, he plays victim. I apologize. This time I haven't because I didn't over step bounds and frankly I don't feel like I owe him anything when it comes to these issues. But I haven't heard from him, and part of me is like "well you lost a supportive friend and you know that not that many people like you, etc." and the other part wants to be like "no, you're worth more than this."

That's just kind of an example of where my head goes sometimes. I also notice that I have a lot of spur of the moment thoughts. For example: *trigger warning* "I should just slit my wrists," "I should go back to cutting," "what if I just rammed my car into that pole." Literally, I think and two seconds later I realize that's ridiculous and that I am not even that upset. Should I be concerned by these thoughts? Are these thoughts I should bring up with my counselor?

I've also had a rough time being motivated into doing what my counselor suggest. He wants me to get back into writing especially around topics like self-worth the issue I have with my life is I'm typically either really good or just bad. So when I'm good I don't really think of the things I need to be practicing and when I'm bad I don't have the motivation. They're are days (like today) where I am inbetween and I can work on it those days typically.

It's just rough. Also, I'm still struggling with my counselor (who I really like and admire and I don't want to change counselors) about talking about situations. He believes that if I can get how I respond to situations under control, then I'll be a lot better off. Which as a social work major, I don't disagree with. He is inherently right. But I also really just need to talk about things that go on in my life sometimes too..

He gave me his e-mail so that I can message him things that are going on, that I want to talk about next time, ways he can change our therapy sessions to make it more helpful for me, and to give him feedback. But I fear that he's not going to want to continue on with me as a patient...also the past two sessions I have went in and I was literally fine and felt like I had nothing to talk about..... I don't want him to take it as "I'm better now," and him push our meetings back to once a month, which is his eventual goal for me.

I don't know, I just needed to vent. If you guys have any advice or kind words, or suggestions on what to e-mail my counselor it would be much appreciated!
   
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