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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Peace out - May 5th 2017, 04:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am beyond done. The amount of suffering i experience on a daily basis is unreal.

I am not in control of my conditions. There are people around me who get to control my life. I have no other way to escape. I am trapped here and forced in isolation. Who knows, maybe my Internet will be taken away from me next.

The suffering is never going to end.


The majority of today i cried and hugged my stuffed animal. In between getting yelled at, yelling back, peeling potatoes and washing dishes as I was demanded to do so. Taking a walk at night shaking and scared and going back home and crying. And thrn my dad comes into my room while I was crying and shaking to tell me I owe him an apology for talking to him while he was busy.

He ignored me for the entire day whenever I tried talking to him he either qas busy or he yelled at me, sometimes about something unrelated to what I said. Thrn I asked him a question snd he ignored me so I asked it again and I I said "can you answer my question?" And he yelled at me and i started crying.

He has time for my sisters
He has time for himself
He initiates conversation when he wabnts me to spend MY time doing something HE wants but I don't get a second thought and if I make myself too visible he is angry. But if I disappear for too long he also gets angry.


My older sister started yelling at him for yelling at me and he yelled back, he cursed at he (the equivalent of "go eat poop") and I told her to stop becsuse she is making it worse. My father hates me more for my sister's behaviirs now becsuse he thinks I prompted her to step in.

I was so upset and overwhelmed, I took a random item and scratched myself eith it because I have no idea where I put my blades. I wanted to kill myself right then and there.
I left for a walk. I can't call a hotline becsuse apparently my father and sisters have followed me on my walks in the past and spied on me while I talked on the phone to a crisis counselor so I can't talk on the phone anymore when it comes to discussing my feelings.

My other sister woke up, and instantly sided with my dad. Probably becsuse she heard my voice and as per usual thinks I'm the one causing trouble. So she comforts my father while he vents about me in front of me while I'm in my room and have no place to go besides back outside which is frightening considering that last time I was a block away from a gun shot scene.


My other sister was probably told there's a fight at home.
She called home and apparently she asked to speak to me. She told me to relax, calm down "everyone knows you can scream the loudest, you don't need to prove it"

You see why I hate life? Does ANYONE see why i hate my life or am I the overly sensitive one here?
I am seeing a psychistrist tomorrow. I don't know how to summarize the years of suffering. I don't even know if I will be asked about my suffering. I might just be asked about my symptoms. I honestly don't think my symptoms are exclusive to major depression.

But what stops me is that I'm too tired and too scared to deal with the consequences. But that doesn't mean the thoughts and urges go away.
   
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Re: Peace out - May 5th 2017, 08:25 AM

Wow I am so sorry you are living in that environment. That is definitely not a good environment to be in.

If you could get out of that environment then definitely yes you could start the healing process and you'd be fine in a year (it would be quite a year though).

Right now it's like you're just constantly being wounded again and again, over and over, so healing can't really take hold and begin.

You have an older sister who actually cares about you and wants to help you? It takes only one good person to make a huge difference in one's life. If she could just give you 15 minutes of quality time each day, it might help. I don't know.

Well I hope you can keep coming back here and keep us updated. Any positive human contact no matter how remote can be helpful. I'm glad you get to see your psychiatrist tomorrow.
   
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Please call that story back.

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Re: Peace out - May 5th 2017, 10:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
Wow I am so sorry you are living in that environment. That is definitely not a good environment to be in.

If you could get out of that environment then definitely yes you could start the healing process and you'd be fine in a year (it would be quite a year though).

Right now it's like you're just constantly being wounded again and again, over and over, so healing can't really take hold and begin.

You have an older sister who actually cares about you and wants to help you? It takes only one good person to make a huge difference in one's life. If she could just give you 15 minutes of quality time each day, it might help. I don't know.

Well I hope you can keep coming back here and keep us updated. Any positive human contact no matter how remote can be helpful. I'm glad you get to see your psychiatrist tomorrow.
What makes you think I would be fine in a year? How did you calculate that?

My older sister does NOT care. Note that she yelled at my father and thry fought, but I was not spoken to. She used MY SUFFERING as a way to segway into a fight that is selfishly motivated. I asked her to stop and she would not. She was okay with doing sonething that i know would make my situation worse, she would not hear me out, she argued with me "sorry but I have to" Sorry but she didn't have to. My father punishes ME for their fighting becsuse it started with me. She was okay with escalating things just for her ego. Please don't ever tell me she cares. That's beyond untrue. None of them care. Period.

And guess who is gonna get the blow harder now?
---------->me <------------


I will see this psychiatrist for the first time. I don't know...
   
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Re: Peace out - May 7th 2017, 08:23 PM

I hope that things will improve for you.. I know how hard it is to be in that negative zone because it feels like everything's so hard in many ways. But the fact is that you can make it through it and you have all our support . You deserve happiness in so many ways.

And if your family doesn't care about how you feel, then they need to learn more about siblings and love because that's the foundation of a happy family.

I'm here for you to rant to and I want you to be happy.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

I've been here a while
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Name: Violet
Gender: Other
Location: Koolibah tree

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Re: Peace out - May 14th 2017, 11:27 PM

I share a room with my dad and being around him so much is very uncomfortable. I never know if he is going to start yelling or be in a bad mood. He tells me I'm going to cause him cancer. He opens the windows very wide at night even though I'm freezing. He ignores me when I need him most. I can't be alone because he doesn't respect me wanting the door closed or not wanting my sisters to come and go as they please becsuse he us fine with it and even encourages it.

There is constant fighting. Then theres a short time of "peace" (more like a ceasefire) . Just like a war. I can't bare through it anymore. How much more can I take?
   
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