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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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lasflores Offline
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i feel like killing myself - May 30th 2017, 08:46 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i'm always feeling really suicidal. for what reason, i don't know. if i were to die right now, it wouldn't faze me. i want to drown myself in pills of unknown sources and a pool of blood while my body wreaks of tequila. i want my brain to act normal, for the chemicals in my brain to calm down. but if nothing works, why can't i die? the pain is overbearing, it feels as if i'm carrying the weight of a black hole upon me. everything, yet nothing. i wasn't abused. i wasn't bullied by anyone other than myself. why must i be this way? why must i want to terminate a seemingly perfect life? i feel so so guilty for hating the life i'm living when others would kill to be in my position, but i can't get my mind off pulling the trigger to the gun placed against my temple. i'm so lost.
   
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Re: i feel like killing myself - May 30th 2017, 04:26 PM

Hi Eva,

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. The whole concept of having a perfect life isn't something any of us should assume we have. Nothing in life is perfect, not us and certainly not life. Some peoples may seem 'perfect', but in reality, things go wrong, and mental illness doesn't discriminate. There aren't certain preconditions for mental illness. Some factors may come up frequently, but they aren't 100% the only reasons people can feel depressed or suicidal. Don't get caught up looking for environmental reasons for feeling like you do. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone and you don't need evidence. If you are feeling as you do, then there is a way to work on it without fighting with yourself over whether or not you're allowed to feel this way. Your feelings are legitimate and they matter regardless of what you've been through.

That being said, perhaps you can try and figure out what it is that makes you feel suicidal. Don't worry about the underlying causes, but look at what it is that triggers you in the moment. You could try keeping a journal of when you start to feel like this. Perhaps you can record how you feel in the moment through diary entries or poetry/creative writing, and then use that as a way of understanding what happened to trigger you. Once you've established what it is, you may feel better equipped to deal with it, and could perhaps consider speaking to somebdy about it. I would recommend not waiting to identify triggers on your own though - don't be afraid to seek help from someone to support you through all of this. Feeling suicidal is tough enough as it is without having to go through it alone.

In the mean time, are there things you do which bring you joy? If you have a hobby, it may be worth trying to spend a bit of extra time working on it and enjoying yourself, particularly if you're having a bad day. Otherwise, you could try out new things too! Maybe take up a sport or craft and see where that takes you. You could try and improve a skill, such as drawing or photography which will help distract you and help you express yourself too. You could also try going for a jog or a walk and getting some air. While you're out and about, take extra notice of whats around you. As you've said, things can seem perfect, so try and find 5 things that are beautiful, such as the weather, the flowers, the people having fun. Fine 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste - or mix it up a bit and challenge yourself to find different amounts of everything. This way, there will always be something nearby which mkes you concentrate and reminds you that, while things are hard, not everything in this world is so complicated. Some things are simple and beautiful and while it may not solve the problems you're having, they can go some way as to remind you to carry on fighting.

Please don't give up. I know you're struggling to see a way out sometimes, but hurting yourself is not the right thing to do. The things you're facing are things you can overcome. I'm so so confident of that. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and if you fight, you can overcome this.

Take care.


❤ Nana ❤
1953-2016

As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
- Carl Jung

   
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Re: i feel like killing myself - June 4th 2017, 04:48 PM

Eva,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this badly right now. I know life isn't easy and just because other people have it worse or could "be killed if they were in your position" doesn't make your feelings lesser. Feelings don't discriminate against people, anybody can be feeling this way and it's totally okay and should be taken seriously.

I am a bit concerned of your feelings of suicide. Have you talked with anybody even marginally on how you are feeling? If not, I really encourage you too. A friend, family member, counselor, etc. would all be great. There are also plenty of anonymous people (like us!) to chat with. You can always call or text a crisis line and they can help talk you through your feelings.

I know right now the pain is overbearing and life is hard, but I do promise that it gets better. It takes work, but things can change for the best for you. I believe in you. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to send me a message! Hang in there. <3
   
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Re: i feel like killing myself - June 4th 2017, 09:44 PM

Hi there

Thank you ever so much for coming to us here for help. You don't deserve to feel this way and go through it alone.

Sometimes people don't always have a reason to feel sad or low (including having urges to harm ourselves and suicidal thoughts). Even though many people can identity a trigger such as trauma and past issues etc, some times people have a chemical imbalance in the brain. Therapy can help with this and so can medication such as an anti-depressant to level those chemicals in your brain. Have you tried either of these things? If not it might be a really positive step forward to look into it and talk to family about it and even speak to a professional such as your GP/Doctor too.

It might also help to set goals to do each day to stay motivated as well as distracted. I do this and it often helps. Things like getting a bath, cleaning my bedroom, making my bed, making a phone call, going to the shop to buy something I need, spend time in the garden, hoover downstairs, meet a friend etc.

It might also help for you to write a list of reasons to stay alive. This doesn't have to be done in one go but done over time. It might seem like a huge challenge but I think you may be surprised with what you come up with over time. And you can then create it into a poster for example and make it look however you want and stick it up on your wall somewhere so you can see it daily to remind you of the reasons you want to live and also so when you feel suicidal you can just go to it and read it rather than have to search your brain for those reasons when feeling so low which can be really hard.

Having someone to talk too can be very beneficial for so many people. Do you have anyone who you can talk too? A family member, a friend, a teacher, a doctor etc? You can always talk to us to and use other helplines. Its important you don't struggle through this alone. While you're the on in control, talking to people and hearing new and different suggestions to begin fighting back and feeling better can really help too!

Just remember you're never alone. We are always here if you need us and I am sure are so many other people who love and care about you too.

Hope and wishes,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: i feel like killing myself - June 12th 2017, 03:26 AM

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I truly understand. None of us can have this "perfect life". We are all perfectly imperfect. Please don't kill yourself. We care about you, and we want to see you happy. Yes, our lives can be pretty f**ked up sometimes, I agree. But we can make it past. PM me if you need to talk. As a girl who has attempted twice and has gone years upon years of feeling worthless, useless, and having immense hatred for myself, I understand. I can help.
   
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Re: i feel like killing myself - June 15th 2017, 05:46 AM

Read this from this old man ... am always wanting to die, from age 18 to now. use drugs and still want to die even now as an old. NEVER DO SUCCEED. WHY ? Am a me. Decide. And live with all the rest. Love watch sunrises, while suicide is on the mind. Shout while watch lightning thunderstorms and want to die. Honest!!! This all starts at 18 y o and still feel the desire. aint be happen. because say does this say so. LOVE storms and lightning like me. Nightmares are that. Me be as make me. Give a grenade and maybe so do so. Meanwhile, get on with the hard. NO ! Make me as so make ME !! 45 years of this and am not merely alive but expert at epistemology. suicide gun shots sticks in this braining this very now as write this. Jump off the bridge. Aint going to happen as have things to do more than merely useful.
   
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