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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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I'm a freak... - May 24th 2009, 05:16 AM

All my life, the only thing I wanted to do was be normal. I'm not. I'm nowhere even close. I've always felt like there was this hole inside of me that I tried filling with everything under the sun, I finally found what it is a couple of months ago. I never had parents, or real parents anyways. They disowned me when I was born. I've always been alone. I just want to feel like I belong, I want to know what true happiness feels like - at least once in my life.

The funny and sick part about this are things are actually working out for me. I got all A's, more or less, this semester and have an upcoming internship with Warner Brothers in a month. But, still, it's like I'm so cut off from feeling - I went numb so long ago - or my life's so full of shit that not even that can bring happyness. I mean, people would naturally be estatic? Me, I'm just numb to whatever events would bring happiness.

Birthday? Let's just say every year, on that day, I want to die. Because on that day I look back over my life and hate what I see. A freak who always wants to pretend to be human, but not able to get his act together. It's like my whole life I've been cursed to be an outsider.

I'm a failure. If my fourteen year old self saw what I've become, he'd ask what happened - how and why I never lived up to the dreams I had for the future. That I tried, but never found a way to fit in. Not many friends, and those I do have I don't see often. Have no girlfriend, never even kissed a girl before - which is beyond pathetic. Plus I always have a fear that one of these days my "new" parents will abandon me just like my birth ones did. I mean, if my own mother couldn't love me - who can? I mean, I get that from everyone. Knocked down by my peers, by my teachers, no girl wants to be with me, and I feel like a failure as a son. Maybe my birth parents were right to leave me- I'm waste. Just a product of their mistake to be thrown to the side, enough people in my life just keep on reinforcing that.

Only my closest friends know how much of a wreck I am. My parents? My family? Comically, they think I'm strong - that I'm a survivor. Yeah, right, exactly. I deserve an academy award for how much I've fooled them into seeing what they want to see. Can I tell them? Can I show them who I really am? That I'm their freak son? No, because they'd never see me the same way and I couldn't handle that. Psychologist? Well, can't trust him - word will get out, I know it will.

And I have this weird dysfunction in that I can't talk. Well, I mean, I can talk - but, not like I want to. I open my mouth to speak when I want to and nothing comes out, I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to say. I'd like to be able to talk, I know I can, but I just - I can't.

Eventually I either pull out of something and run the other way. I don't even feel like I belong in my home now. Like my parents don't want me there. I'm not even their real son. I've had a rise in aggression and anger towards them lately that I can't easily explain.

I just don't know anymore. It's not all the time, but it's a lot. Every summer and winter is miserable, my birthday is suicidal day, the rest of the time I'm numb. It's easier to be numb, to lock everything away - it's easier to run. But, whenever I return back home it's like - god - I just can't handle it anymore!!! I want to just get the fuck away from here. I don't feel safe, everything in my life is turning upside down and it only happens when I'm at home for an extended period of time. It's gotten to the point this summer that I'm starting to hear voices inside my head even tormenting me and kicking me when I'm down. I guess my birth parents had it right, I am a mistake.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; May 24th 2009 at 05:32 AM.
   
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Re: I'm a freak... - May 24th 2009, 07:10 AM

your are NOT a freak and just because you or someone else says you are not normal doesn't mean that you are not normal. it is a citizen thing that says anything outside of such and such isn't normal but it is all bull in my opinion.


Helen: I'm someone who has chosen to embrace the broad spectrum of our reality.

​“Levity helps keep far more insidious things at bay.”
Dr. Helen Magnus, “Sanctuary For All”
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“Feeling safe is something we all need.”
Dr. Will Zimmerman, “Sanctuary For All”
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“We learn more from failure than from success.”
Nikola Tesla, “END OF NIGHTS” PART II
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“Life without purpose isn’t… life.”
Will Zimmerman, “PAVOR NOCTURNUS”
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Re: I'm a freak... - May 28th 2009, 03:05 PM

Josh-

You're not a freak by any means *hugs*. Actually, you sound a lot like me. Although, I chose to be numb.

I agree with you that it's easier by far to be numb and cold. But I don't think it's better for you. I think numbness sort of kills people's insides.

I dunno. I just feel really bad for you. My step-mom's a foster child advocate, and I've seen the system. I know how bad it's gotta suck for you that your birth parents "gave up" on you, but you're not a mistake, not a waste.

It's really hard for me to talk in posts, but if you ever want to talk privately, you're more than welcome to PM or VM me, at any time...

I promise a quick and honest reply....

Until then *hugs*


xx
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Re: I'm a freak... - May 29th 2009, 07:06 AM

The thing is though, I am what I say I am... and what I am, I don't like.

There's a part that I have to still hide from people, a fear that if they find out the whole truth it would tear them away from me. It's not just being an adoptee - it's the kind... the monsterchild - the destroyer. This is a theme that's brought up again and again in tv series and films, the bad seed destined to become the bad guy. I really relate to that...

Let's just say several things happened in my past that I can't come to terms with.

This fear has also shown up in some of the things I write, this fear of being born evil - different. I try to keep it locked in it's cage. But, when these feelings start to explode out of me, especially when thinking about being given away at birth, it's like - I literally feel like an animal. A wolf. I'm scared of myself, that one day it will take over.

Could just be trauma and fear over almost killing someone, like a second away from doing it, that gave me this feeling... but, at that age, how could I have it in me to kill and enjoy the thrill of it? Even if it started out of wanting to save someone, I can't excuse myself for what's inside of me... maybe it's everything in my life all rolled into one and I'm over-reacting, I don't know, all I know is - I don't like being scared of who I could become.

I have two instincts... run in and save people & uncontrollable rage and having 'scary thoughts' that haunt me at times and one I've come close to going through with... which is the real one? Can I fight part of my nature and become the protector, or was I doomed from the start to become the destroyer? Which side is real?

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Re: I'm a freak... - June 1st 2009, 02:44 AM

Josh, You're not a freak. And don't worry about the girls, man. They're SERIOUSLY overrated.

Learn to trust. Try a psychologist. They're contractually bound not to talk about anything you say unless it threatens you, or anyone else around you. Mine was.
PM me, man, if you need it.


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Re: I'm a freak... - June 4th 2009, 01:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh View Post
I have two instincts... run in and save people & uncontrollable rage and having 'scary thoughts' that haunt me at times and one I've come close to going through with... which is the real one? Can I fight part of my nature and become the protector, or was I doomed from the start to become the destroyer? Which side is real?
Josh:
It's human nature to want to protect those we love the most. It's also human nature to destroy what we hate.

Both 'sides' of you are completely normal and acceptable, and we just need to find a way to harness the energy inside your heart and put it where it needs to be.

Have you found a set of triggers, yet? There's normally some pattern that causes the behaviors you've described. Maybe it's an emotion, or a person.

Try and find a certain something that makes you tick, and we can go from there. I'm always here.
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