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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Please call that story back.

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It's official - July 3rd 2017, 12:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

There's literally no point. Just literally, no point.
Im being tormented every single moment of my life.

I don't know if this is real bullying or im being dramatic or what. But the last 2 days I've been having panic attacks and crying spells throughout the day and I don't see it stopping anytime soon.
Oh and I called a crisis line and their suggestion was "do something nice for them like bake them cookies" And to pay rent. I tried doing steps for both (joined in on chopping veggies to help with meal prep and talked to my dad about how much rent I should pay. Neither worked out. My dad sais we would talk about it which means it eill never happen *I have 23 years of experience with him. It wont happen) and the helping with lunch, they pushed me away and said they plan to kick me out of the apartment and they all knew that's the conclusion before even informing me. And like.... I remove myself from the situation and come back a few hours later and they're talking bad about me. Making fun of every little detail about me down to the fact that I don't like dark chocolate. Making serious insults about my character. This was not even 2 minutes of trying to eat dinner. They also didn't want me eating at the table with them (they said dinner time for so and so and reiterated only so and so family members can come and excluded my name) So I took my plate to eat someplace else and my sister follows me like "oh my god she better not touch my laptop. Hold on I'm going to save it"

God damn it I just wanted to eat something. I didn't ask for this.

.... I'm done.

The peace out remains from my last thread. Even though I was beginning to feel okay at some point. Well it was up and down but I'm done being on a rollercoaster.

Now I have to think about going to a shelter ALL OVER AGAIN
Just like last month. And the months before

I just thought I can survive summer and I would think about shelters and moving out in mid-August after certain things happen like my summer job. But guess not. I can't wait that long.
   
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Re: It's official - July 3rd 2017, 03:20 AM

Im sorry to hear about this. About your family... f**k them (sorry, not sorry) You seem like a genuine person. I am currently on vaca without wifi, so i cant post much here.
PM me if you need to talk, please. I would definitely like to continue this discussion if we can. Sending lots of love your way. Stay strong




Life's a tough b**ch, but you are tougher. Go show it who's boss. <lots of love and hugs>
   
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Re: It's official - July 4th 2017, 02:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wonderlust View Post
Im sorry to hear about this. About your family... f**k them (sorry, not sorry) You seem like a genuine person. I am currently on vaca without wifi, so i cant post much here.
PM me if you need to talk, please. I would definitely like to continue this discussion if we can. Sending lots of love your way. Stay strong
Thank you Sanjana,
Well my dad is now saying whether I get kicked out is my cboice. I devidence my own fate based on my actions and how well I control mysekf. So basically if I cry and go out of control and then get kicked out because of that it would be my fault. I'm scared. He won't give me a date or time frame. He keeps using ambiguous language
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's official - July 4th 2017, 04:46 PM

Hey There,

I've commented on a few of your threads before. I am sorry that nothing seems to be getting through with your family and that they are treating you like total garbage. Just remember it doesn't reflect your character it reflects theirs. You are a good person and worthy of love and respect.

I see that you mentioned a shelter. I know that seems like a really scary idea but there are a lot of good shelters out there that have a homey feel to them. I work at a homeless shelter and honestly it's really nice. I would do some researching. At the one I work at they help you get a job, save money and all of that in order to help you get on your feet and be able to successfully live on your own. You would have a lot more support than you're getting now. Just something to keep in mind.

I hope you can find a summer job and all of that and get out of that toxic environment soon. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's official - July 4th 2017, 05:26 PM

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Originally Posted by Chaotic_ View Post
Hey There,

I've commented on a few of your threads before. I am sorry that nothing seems to be getting through with your family and that they are treating you like total garbage. Just remember it doesn't reflect your character it reflects theirs. You are a good person and worthy of love and respect.

I see that you mentioned a shelter. I know that seems like a really scary idea but there are a lot of good shelters out there that have a homey feel to them. I work at a homeless shelter and honestly it's really nice. I would do some researching. At the one I work at they help you get a job, save money and all of that in order to help you get on your feet and be able to successfully live on your own. You would have a lot more support than you're getting now. Just something to keep in mind.

I hope you can find a summer job and all of that and get out of that toxic environment soon. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.

Thank you Cass. And thank you for sharing your experience working at a shelter. It makes me think maybe there's a good shelter.
But ftom what i heard the shelters here are not good anf very scary. My psychiatrist said "you wont survive a shelter" I live in a huge city and we have a lot of homelessness. I did look into shelters though the last few months. I found a few. I've contacted them. I've contacted domestic violence hotlines. I've contacted runaway hotline and the local crisis line. None of them got me any further.
I can't go directly into a non profit shelter. I have to first go to the city's single woman adult shelter and stay there at least a night or two (maybe more, no clue) and wait for them to place me in a shelter and make the transition.
To go to the city shelter I'm not allowed personal belingings. This part stumps me. What do I do then? I don't get how I can go someplace overnight without my phone, documemts, a little cash etc.

One organization is a recovery program+shelter and they said part if their program is I can't have a job within the first 60 days. It is very structured. It isn't an emergency shelter. The lady had told me to go to the ER if i didn't have a safe place to go that njght. I managed to return home because I didn't want to go to the ER. It was a long and complicated thing.

The thing is, I do have a summer job. Starting tomorrow actually.
But after 6 weeks, I'm back to no income. I can work 25 hours a week maximum based on the youth summer job program. That's the rule. Then there's a possibility I would have to pay rent at home (again, ambiguous language and rules are not clear but I risk getting punished unpredictably because I have to guess the house rules)
And I have expenses like transportation. So it is good that I'm saving but it will take a long time to really move out.

The only chance I cant get my hopes to high but....I go to a day treatment program and I was on trial before but got officially admitted and now I'm working one on one with a support worker and basically she may be able to connect me with benefits like food stamp, referral to apply for disability and reduced public transportation fee. Theres a wait list for supportive housing but thats something im lookinginto too. Thing is, aND j may be catastrphizing but i feel like i eI'll be rejected for disability income, and have to wait so long for supportive housing. I don't know how much longer I can take.

These things would help though. She also mentioned making a safety escape plan. Like in case I'm in a literal emergency what I can do in that moment. I'm sure that will include the city shelter. Or if there's a walk in shelter I don't know about but I've done research.

Anyway, I feel hopeless overall but some days I tolerate it better. Other days I just collapse and can't get out of bed and spend the day crying
   
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Re: It's official - July 6th 2017, 07:30 PM

I'm sure that is all very tedious and tiring, but I am so proud of all of the effort you are putting in to get out of your situation.

Different shelters have different rules. Though it is a big confusing why you can't have any personal belongings at the emergency one. Typically personal belongings are allowed, at least in the city I work in. I would just remind you that the emergency one's are more temporary than when you get into the non-emegency shelters. The non-emergency shelters tend to be a lot nicer.

The shelter that's also a recovery program doesn't seem like this worst option. It might be rough not being able to work but they will supply all of your needs in the meantime. A lot of shelters like this want to make sure you are personally ready to take on a job. I would keep it into consideration if you have mental health issues.

I'm glad you're in a day program. Hopefully at the very least it gets you out of the negative environment daily. I'm sure the workers there will also do their best to assist you so that you can find somewhere to live that is a safe for you!

Keep moving forward with these options and I think that you will eventually be okay. Also, remember that sometimes it's okay to not be okay, all that matters is that we try and never give up!
   
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Re: It's official - July 9th 2017, 10:47 PM

I'm just so tired of this chaos.
Now I'm not bring kicked out and don't have to pay rent hut watch how I will be punished and controlled next month for not paying rent. I'm so frustrated.

They were nice to me for a couple of days and they're back to occasionally insulting me or alienating me till it gets full blown.
Like my sister threatened to decapitate my stuffed animal and she had it in her hands and I started screaming and like everyone was mad at me for reacting.

Work is tough but I'm getting through it I guess. The support worker meets with me on fridays. I stopped going to the day program except Fridays now. She hadn't got back to me about the applying for benefits thing.

I still have SH urges and part of me wants to give up because life doesn't seem worth going through. It just doesnt. I'm tired all the time, I am not doing well internally even when externally it isn't that bad. I'm still doing hadly. I'm still stressing out. I don't have like motivation but not just laziness or boredom. It is a deep disengagement. I don't know how to be a person. I don't know how to be human anymore.
   
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Re: It's official - July 10th 2017, 04:52 PM

You are an extremely sweet human being and you need to have more faith in yourself. Plenty of human beings are nice people.. plenty of them can be terrible. Just be yourself and remember that you deserve to have some happiness, some peace of mind.

Your dad needs to be more understanding, but I do think that you have what it takes to overcome this.

Stay strong and remember that we got your back..


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: It's official - July 10th 2017, 05:43 PM

I understand your feelings.
Honestly the back and fourth that your family is doing to you probably is also causing some stress. Whether or not they know what they are doing is another story. My hope is that you're still trying to find a way out of your environment.

What you're sister did is awful. Nobody deserves to be treated that you are being treated. Do you support workers and such know what is going on at home with your family? Also, is there a reason you changed to just Friday's for the day program? Just out curiosity. You don't have to answer

I understand the lack of motivation and disengagement. That's what happens when we're in low moods. What kind of hobbies do you have? Maybe trying to do them will help you out even just a tiny bit!

Stay strong.
Life is worth it.
It might not seem like it now, but one day it will.
   
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Re: It's official - July 11th 2017, 02:53 AM

Quote:
You are an extremely sweet human being and you need to have more faith in yourself. Plenty of human beings are nice people.. plenty of them can be terrible. Just be yourself and remember that you deserve to have some happiness, some peace of mind.

Your dad needs to be more understanding, but I do think that you have what it takes to overcome this.

Stay strong and remember that we got your back..

Thank you Darren. I appreciate the support. I can't be myself because I don't know who myself is lol. But I get your point.


Quote:
I understand your feelings.
Honestly the back and fourth that your family is doing to you probably is also causing some stress. Whether or not they know what they are doing is another story. My hope is that you're still trying to find a way out of your environment.

What you're sister did is awful. Nobody deserves to be treated that you are being treated. Do you support workers and such know what is going on at home with your family? Also, is there a reason you changed to just Friday's for the day program? Just out curiosity. You don't have to answer

I understand the lack of motivation and disengagement. That's what happens when we're in low moods. What kind of hobbies do you have? Maybe trying to do them will help you out even just a tiny bit!

Stay strong.
Life is worth it.
It might not seem like it now, but one day it will.

Thank you Cass for continuing to reply to this thread.

I guess i should have been more direct about the day treatment program. It operates 9-3:45 Monday through Thursday and Fridays is half a day and my job is 9-4 Monday-Thursday and no work Fridays, so that's just the common day that fits into my work schedule. My job is only 6 weeks total. It ends around August 16th or so.

Yeah, she knows how I am with my stuffed animal. I go to sleep with it every night and my other sister already pulled off the tail and the foot (or the foot came off on it's own, I forget) so being told she'd decapitate it was upsetting enough but the fact that my other sister had actually done it and they both glorify that moment like it was something to celebrate. They're all like "remember the time I pulled off your [stuffed animal] cat's tail?"
And like they giggle and stuff.


I am struggling to find hobbies to be honest. I mean I have interests but I don't commit enough; I jump around a lot. I guess when a poem strikes me, I write it out and share it on Self Expression. I am losing interest in writing poems to be honest though.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's official - July 12th 2017, 08:12 PM

Hey,

No Problem! Anything to try and help you out even just a little bit.

I figured it had something to do with work but I don't like assuming things on my own. How is work going for you? Is it good to be outside of your family for at the work week and on the Friday during your half day? Also, will you do the day program full time when you're done with work? Sorry, that was a lot of questions. :P

I understand when hobbies don't even feel like something we're interested anymore. Depression will strip life away. I wish I had more awesome advice on how to help that, but all I've got is to keep pushing and trying to continue with those hobbies even when you feel like you don't want too.
   
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Re: It's official - July 13th 2017, 02:27 AM

Work is okay-ish. There's a staff member who told me she was concerned about me and asked if I was okay. It is a story in itself and I can PM it to you. But basically she said she'd check in with me again. I haven't opened up to her much and I am thinking of being more honest but idk.

Other than that, it's frightening that we will be working from a scaffolding (that metal rodded construction thing) we did the training today and we learned all the ways we can get injured or die and it's all so scary! I am so afraid to get someone else injured! I wont be able to live with myself at all if I dropped something from a higher story and it landed on someone and hurt them or if I slipped and fell and collapsed the whole thing. I don't care about myself so much.....like I am more afraid I would be alive but severely injured or disabled than if I were to die. And my biggest fear is someone else getting hurt especially if it involves me making it happen even if it were an accident I can't cope. I stopped working with kids because of how much I was blamed for things and it was so hard to deal with, stilll not over it.


I didn't know scaffoldings were so dangerous! I just thought haven't thought about it so much but now I am afraid to even walk underneath one.

Yes, when I finish the 6 week job I will return to the day program full time. I may end up finding another job but I honestly just feel drained but I need to work if i'm going to move out. It's either that or disability income and the fact that I'm working 24 hours per a week and the maximum for staying on disability is 45 hours a month I think. So I guess I am doing it as stressful as it is. I already feel like quitting though. I already feel like not coming in tomorrow but i am trying not to go down that rabbit hole.


Today was a more "chill" day at work in the sense that we had a 4 hour training for the scaffold which was a guy lecturing and then a quiz at the end and then shortly after went to a museum exhibit where we were free to roam on our own and then meet at a certain time to wrap up. So it helped having that more introverted school-y type of day. I am worried about the "practical" days like the painting and the serious art making days or the generating and developing creative ideas and concepts days.


But when I came home things fell apart pretty fast
It's like no amount of hours away from them can predict when things will go bad at home. It's a horrible feeling to think you're going to be okay and then turns out you're way worse off than before. It shakes me up and takes days or even weeks to recover from one of these things. Imagine tons of them happening again and again...I mean taking away some time helps but then a lot more happens in a compressed amount of time anyway instead of it being spread out.
   
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Re: It's official - July 13th 2017, 07:06 PM

If you want to PM me the story, I would love to hear it and maybe if you need help sorting through your thoughts or what not!

Sounds like the new job is a bit scary and challenging, I get that. I used to worry when I was a teacher that I was going to mess up really hard. I think all jobs have "scary" parts to them, but if you're trained properly you should be fine. I believe in you and you totally have this.

As for when you stop, I'm glad you're going back to the day program as it seems to at least help even just a little, and sometimes we need every inch of help that we can get. Maybe chat with someone about working versus getting disability. My sister is on disability for a heart condition.... she can work a part time, but like you said can't go over a certain amount of hours per month. But with the mixed income from disability and a small part time job, you should be able to make ends meet on your own. If you don't think you can work full times and support yourself I would look into it, and talk to someone (maybe at the day program) that could help you out!

I am so sorry that when you get home you fall apart. Is that mostly because of the family situation or does it stem from everything in life? When I lived at home, I was living in a somewhat bad situation, not to the extent of yours but I can relate to being out of the house and convincing yourself your fine, and then coming back and nothing has changed and just falling to pieces. I've been there. Right now it's going to be hard until you can get out of that situation. But it will eventually get better. Keep hanging in there, and PM me when you would like! I try to check in at least once day depending on how busy my schedule gets.
   
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