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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TheEdenProject Offline
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Age: 21
Gender: Trans Male
Location: Austria

Posts: 74
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Join Date: July 6th 2017

disappointment... - July 6th 2017, 10:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i just feel like a huge disappointment..

i'm 18 and i don't have an own flat and neither an apprenticeship or a job.. i was too stupid for school and now i'm stuck.... everyone is laughing at me like it's really damn easy to get a job or an apprenticeship... so obviously it's me who's the problem... people tell me it's me who's the problem all the time, so obviously it has to be me...

i don't even know who to talk to anymore, everyone is sick of my sh*t.. today i've dissociated for the first time ever and it was a scary experience... i mean i've gotten high before but that felt more weird.. and even in the middle of a discussion so it felt even weirder..
i have no idea if the stuff i write here is in any way even grammatically correct or makes sense but i can't think right now..

everything seems so hard.. thinking.. living.. everything..

and i can't do this anymore.. i've actually made a little plan for my suicide.. and had it since about a week or two...

i just feel... numb.. and depressed...

i've been getting high every evening since sunday (sunday as well) so far. the only day i have left out is this evening. tomorrow i'll be high with a friend of mine.

i'm being left alone in most of my time and i just feel like nobody cares.. not my friends.. not my crush.. nobody..
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Everglow. Offline
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Name: Hollie
Age: 25
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Location: London

Posts: 5,055
Blog Entries: 755
Join Date: January 19th 2011

Re: disappointment... - July 6th 2017, 11:21 PM

Hey there,

First of all, welcome to TH. I'm really glad you've come to us to reach out because going through something like this alone can be really difficult, but I hope that reaching out and speaking about what's going on will help you feel a little bit better.

I want you to know that at 18, you don't need to have it all figured out! I'm 22, and I'll be moving back in with my parents soon, so I won't have my own place and I only have a part time job, however at 18, I had 8 months where I was unemployed despite applying to any job there was. Just because other people have had it easy finding a job, doesn't mean it will be easy for everyone. Times are tough where ever you are. Jobs are hard to come by. Employers are picky. It's not your fault, the most you can do is apply and try your best. I know it's hard but try not to let other peoples judgement get you down. They aren't in your situation, so they can't possibly know what it is you're going through.

I'm sorry things have got so hard that you've planned your suicide. I want you to know that nobody is so sick of what you have to say that you should be struggling with suicidal thoughts on your own. Please never think that. Even if you have to come here and tell someone here about what's happening, please never hesitate to do that. Is your plan in your head or is it written down? If it's written down, rip it up and throw it away. Let that symbolise your intention to carry on fighting. Suicide is never the answer and I promise you there are other ways forward.

There are also healthier ways to cope than to get high. I know it can seem like an easy escape but please be aware of if this is becoming a problem for you. Don't be afraid to admit that if it is, because the worst thing you can do is use unhealthy escapes or coping mechanisms when what you're experiencing is hard and unhealthy enough as it is. Instead of that, maybe write down how you feel onto some paper or a word document. It doesn't have to make sense, but write in a way that lets you express yourself enough that you feel a little better. Or you could draw or scribble on paper until you get the same sort of relief. I know it's not quite the same, but facing problems is always harder than turning away from them, however it can help you address them and therefore fix them.

Why do you think that nobody cares? Could you perhaps reach out to your friends or crush when you're struggling? If you feel comfortable, you could reach out for support, but otherwise you could just send a text or give them a call and see if they fancy meeting up. Getting out and being around other people is a brilliant way to feel better. Most of the time, thinking other people don't care is a misunderstanding, and some time with them can remind you that they love you and would honestly hate to think you're struggling the way you are. I promise you that nobody would want you planning your own suicide. Please don't ever feel like people care that little.

TeenHelp is always here for you. I know you have only just joined, so please use as many site features as you can to receive support! The blogging feature is one of the best I think as it's a fantastic way to vent in your own space, however the chat room and forums are absolutely wonderful and the support and advice the members of this site have to offer is unlike anything else I've seen online! If you're in need of a chat or have any questions about TH, you're welcome to message me any time.

Take care, and please try and stay strong. Remember that even when it's hard, there's always light at the end of the tunnel if you travel along it long enough. You can do this, you are cared about, and you deserve to beat this.

A paradox:
The things you donít need to liveó
books, art, cinema, wine, and so onó
are the things you need to live

- Matt Haig

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
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Re: disappointment... - July 8th 2017, 05:35 AM

Welcome and thank you for posting.

This is a very common and understandable situation. People use drugs to escape. The drugs eventually become another problem. But the underlying problem needs to be addressed.

I see you list as "trans", which could easily be a source of social difficulties, depending on how supportive people are around you.

And I see you say you are not smart for school, which could be two possibilities: either school isn't right for you and your natural skills lie elsewhere, which I'll explain in a moment; or, you've been so depressed you haven't really been able to concentrate on school, or anything, other than trying to escape the depression by using drugs, which is very common among depressed people.

The first possibility is about 35% of the population have the "Artisan" personality type. They are Action Seekers. They love action. They hate sitting in a school room listening to a teacher lecture. School wasn't designed for these people. Schools were designed by people with the "Guardian" personality type, for people who have the "Guardian" personality type. Guardians, which comprise about 50% of the population, (as well as the other 15% not mentioned) do well in this type of school setting. Artisans do not do well. Artisans need hands on training. They want to be construction workers, they want to work with tools, drive trucks, work with their hands, be surgeons, climb mountains, surf waves, ride motorcycles, action stuff like that. Artisans often have "street smarts", are good working with other people, which is something not taught in school, but which comes in very handy in real life (you can become a good manager if you have people skills).

Anyway I don't know if you have the Artisan personality type or not. They unfortunately also happen to be more susceptible to drug addiction than the other types.

Anyway, doesn't matter. We need a path for you right now out of this hole. You're in the worst of it right now. (In a way that's the good news as now you can start getting better.) You do this by finding a community of people who accept you as you are, where you are, who support you on your journey, who understand you're not well right now and currently have limited capacities, but you can get well with support, and rise to your full potential, and you'll feel much better eventually.

Hopefully you can find a Trans support community, and an addiction support community, and there you find people who accept you as you are, because they are just like you, regular ordinary people.

The drug part takes a bit more work to overcome. Don't call yourself an addict; call yourself a person who has a problem with addiction. It's the difference between being the problem, and having a problem. If you are the problem there's no solution, but if you have a problem then you can fix that.

Also it's nobody's fault, because there's a third option: it's the fault of the system itself. (That one takes too long to explain here. When faced with two bad choices, there's usually a third option.)

There are NA groups everywhere and NA-teen groups are becoming popular because it's so common. There's also Celebrate Recovery groups, and other similar groups. Basically people get together, and this tricks the brain into thinking I'm with my tribe so everything must be OK so it relaxes and switches into healing mode.

There's other tricks, like Yoga can be helpful because it helps focus the mind, which in turn helps heal the brain and cure addiction problems, plus if done in a group that takes care of the social isolation problem. Similar is Qi-Gong, and Tai-Chi. Mindfulness Meditation is another way to train the brain away from bad to good.

Recovery takes about a year. It's not an instant thing. It takes time for the brain to heal itself.

Keep in touch! Talk with people here. Recovery is possible. I've known a couple people who have been through it and they've been clean for 2 years now.

Best wishes!
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