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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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I want to die - July 17th 2017, 11:27 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Eh, this is going to be really whiny but whatever...so I've had depression for a long long time now, since maybe ten years old but probably earlier than that. I don't remember my childhood so well because of sexual abuse but it was probably ten. And I've wanted to die on and off for about three years but it's been persistent for two months now. To be honest, I don't even see suicide as that bad. Because I feel like sometimes it just hurts too much and there's nothing to do...and I feel like I'm doing the people around me a favor because I know I'm so depressing to be around and I worry people with my mental health so if I die, I'll set them free. And it hurts for a while but literally no one I know talks about my granddad who passed away last year so they'll care about me for, what, a year at most? I'm not doing the world any favors by being here. I hardly attend school anymore and I just sleep all the time because I don't want to live. I'm already basically dead. I don't have any motivation...I literally have no idea what I'm going to do next year (when I graduate) because it all seems pointless at the end of the day. I'm just going to die anyway and the impact I make on the world will be so miniscule it will hardly matter in the first place. I've really given up on schoolwork too, I used to get As and Bs but now I get Cs (C+, C-) or the occasional D+ but I just want people to hate me. Look, the way I see it:
1. We're all slowly getting older and more helpless, eventually I'll be in a nursing home and I probably slowly forget all the good times anyway

2. Everyone around me will slowly move on to bigger and better things and I'll just be a memory

3. People change, all the time and nothing stays the same so what's the point in making connections in the first place?

4. I'm probably going to die a slow and excruciating death (knowing my luck) anyway so I might as well speed up the process before I find anything to live for

5. Anyone and anything I love will eventually die...maybe even young so what's the point in falling in love only to have it cut short?

6. I'm not going to make any major impact on the world, like I already said...I'm one person. There are seven billion humans, nothing's going to change if I die...it'll probably just benefit the environment anyway

7. I'm never going to be able to do anything for myself...everyone's told me that enough, I shouldn't give them false hopes

8. I feel like everything we do is just busy work...distracting us from death which is always growing nearer

And I mean, I haven't even come out to my family yet. I've only come out to three of my friends. If I do, I know it's going to be hell...I mean there's going to be so many people who just want me dead, I can just do it for them. Even my own father says that gay people shouldn't be able to get married or have kids but I know that I can be a better parent (and so would my gay friends) than he ever was...he was terrible to me. And I'd actually love my wife, all he does is complain about his. I did love a girl at one point...and I thought maybe she loved me too. But we've got...two very different religious ideologies now and unfortunately, we're two very stubborn people. Like I said, people change. Even though I love her so much, she always gets so frustrated because I don't believe what she does and it doesn't work anymore. It'll never be the same. And now all my memories of her have turned so bittersweet and I hate it. And people tell me to grow up and accept that people change but I don't care, it still hurts a lot. I just hate this, I can't find anything good in the world anymore and I just want to die, everything hurts...
   
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Re: I want to die - July 17th 2017, 09:21 PM

Hey so first of all thankyou for coming onto this website and talking about your feelings, I feel that is really good for you and I admire you for your strength to be able to talk about these things.
I am sorry that life is so hard on you right now but I would advise you to keep going and push through your depression, you say your grades are bad and that you feel you have no purpose on this world but you are only 16 and we as kids (because i too am 16) have no purpose on this world other than to prepare to run the world when the older generation is gone. When we are older we will have the jobs and the money and the knowledge to run the Earth and that is when we will have our purpose. You are no useless, you are just young.
Onto friends... I am going to tell you now that there is a point in making friends and communication because it makes people happy, yes of course people are going to change and sometimes it may even be you who is changing but there are 8 billion plus people on this Earth right now and even one person could change your whole life for the better and you may not have found them yet. This is why I want you to live so you can experience finding someone like that.
The world is a beautiful place you should be alive to see it and to see things change and change it yourself.
Now about coming out, you are always going to have people who disagree but at the end of the day the people who love you will come through for you even if it is just a small proportion of the people you know. Your dad will accept you because any parent just wants their kid to be happy and although it may take time you will both get into that stage of acceptance.
Like I said the world is beautiful, it is the people on it that destroy it but you can defy them, you can overcome this and I will assure you that there are people who would want you to overcome it.
Finally, remember you are not alone in this. There are many people struggling like you are and there is a wide range of help across the internet and also there is the hearts of your friends and families, Just talk, be brave, and overcome it all.
We are all going to die someday that is true, but why shouldn't we leave with pride, strength and love. Please don't leave... stay. I hope everything goes well for you. Just remember the Earth is a ball of love and you are included. Stay strong. x
   
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