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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
Nothing Began Everything
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Name: Raphael
Gender: Nonbinary (They/Them)
Location: California

Posts: 337
Blog Entries: 13
Join Date: February 27th 2010

I've resulted to nothing - July 25th 2017, 07:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

There's no hope for me. No chance for escape. Abuse just fucking revolves around me doesn't it?
I feel after this past semester I have few friends who genuinely like me. No problem, few friends is ok to have as long as I have friends right?
But at the moment I want to tell them that I'm feeling low and, if it wouldn't be too much of a bother from them, for some love and affection or words of encouragement of some sort.
But that's abusive, no?
It's tying back to the thing that happened back when I posted about those friends-not-friends. That whole drama. It haunts me.
I unfollowed and blocked those people off social media. I want nothing to do with them now. I don't want to talk to them ever again.
I don't think they'll be returning to school this next semester anyways. And if they do, I'll just have to deal.
See, anything I want to do, reach out to friends when I feel low, think that no one likes me, talk to someone about my problems, confess feeling left out or excluded, that's abuse. Because that's what E said I was doing abusive.
I don't even want to do a joke or something in case it being problematic or something. Insulting in some way I don't see it.
See, the thing is, they said this and that is bad, but they never told me because they were scared or something.
It's all my fault.
It's like mother always says
it;s like my therapist said
its like what they said
its my fault.

I'm scared to do anything with friends in fear that they'll think it's bad and then feel like they can't tell me because I've established some sort of fear in them (???) and then it's all abuse?
After all, my abuse with my ex never happened and it was all me.
It was all my fault

I want to be better and closer friends with my current friends but I just
I don't know.
I just
I
I'm an abuser?
Says one person.
The other person never said anything to me. They stopped contacting me, talking to me, all that.
And then here's the thing!!

When E and I would talk, sometimes we would chat about how we feel about other people. And when E confronted me with the abuse thing, they said I was influencing them to see people in a certain way. But thing is is that they would kinda trick their way to making me talk shit about people. "Oh how do you feel about X?" "Oh but don't you ever get this feeling about X?" "I think this about X don't you think the same? No? They did this and that what do you think about that?"
We'd talk shit both equally about people. That day we were all talking about Sam? They all partook in talking shit. It wasn't only me. T even talked hella shit about them not liking the smell of weed or whatnot idk.
Yet I'm the only one talking shit and being abusive.
Well, maybe they've won. They've made me feel like I can't do anything in fears that it's abuse.
Maybe that's a way they're abusing me?
In any case I'm worthless.
I can't even think for myself and be certain in me not being abusive.
Why bother living anymore.

I have stored hella risprodol. I might just OD, not deadly dose but enough to make me feel like I'm going to sleep for certain.
I wish I could do something to ruin them. Get vengeance or something. But honestly, I can't do anything.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Sense Prevails Offline
Never for my - Aw Mold Nigh
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Re: I've resulted to nothing - July 26th 2017, 02:59 AM

Dear Raphael.

First off, don't do anything that'd worsen yourself. Be Safe.

Secondly, I feel like you've lost sense and replaced it with anxiety, anxiety based from not having approval to a depth you've found solid enough that you could establish a never-dying bond upon.

I feel like this has been an underlying problem lurking in your past and now, you're panicking such a problem is plaguing your future too.

You clearly show signs of need, want, affection and sheer love. Yet, you've not displayed just those emotions to the people you wished you'd of reached out too, or atleast, what they've told you. Is this because they're bad people at heart? Or what have you been displaying alternatively? What do they see?

A mask of emotional barriers thats hiding how you really feel? A mask that perhaps blurs the line between a joke and insult? Tell them how you Feel instead of showing them what you're Trying to feel.

Either way you perceive your situation, you should find the people you love, feel like you can open up too - and Do Just That and Nothing More. Open up and move on from the overly toxic dread abandon you're getting from these scenarios. I advise you talk to resolve and do so with honest hearts.

Opening up on such a level with someone will help you perceive better judgement of any improper wording or "masks" that may come-about in a situation, stopping things you might say otherwise.

In either case, you're not alone in this mindset, it's common and sadly I don't know you to an extent I wish I did, but i'm sure, from what i've read here, you have enough cares in you to make a resolution that'd build a foundation for friendships that would give you support for every battle in your life to come. And if not? well, there's always the private message option that's just a click away on my username.
   
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