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-   -   Feeling Lost.... (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t152520-feeling-lost/)

Chaotic_ August 9th 2017 05:15 AM

Feeling Lost....
So anytime I've been feeling down I've literally just been trying to bear my soul, whether it's on here, a text to a friend or an e-mail to my counselor. Apparently kts supposed to be "therapeutic."

Tonight I'm feeling down and it's mostly because I don't have any reason to feel the way I do. I feel unloved and lonely. But I literally have so many friends. My best friend is driving down Sunday to see me and I made a vague status about how I get to see my "best friend" this weekend. Two different close friends were messing around and were like "I didn't know you were coming to see me." I get texts and phone calls almost daily from certain people. I live with my fiancé. I have zero right to feel this way.

I'm also struggling with knowing I should feeling said emotions and others. Like my fiancé took me to a country concert and he hates country music, but he knows I enjoy it. It's so hard pretending I'm having fun, because usually I know that I would be having fun, I know I should be having fun, it's just I can't make myself feel that emotion. I can't make myself feel anything, really.

I've been trying to tell myself when these feelings occur that I'm not my depression or my anxiety. That I'm still me, that I'm still the fun loving girl, who is kind, passionate, goal oriented, loving, caring, fun and outgoing. I try to myself that I do enjoy things: I love music, sports, I love being outside, I love going to the lake and swimming and canoeing, I love to read and write, I love to rollerblade with my dogs, I love walks in the park with my fiancé, I love chatting with friends. I try to remind myself of who I am, but I don't feel her anymore. It's like she's a long lost friend that I don't know anymore, and I don't know how to get her back and it's so frustrating when it's 1:00am and you can't sleep because all of these thoughts keep you awake.

I'm falling behind.
I'm not bringing enough money home because my work ethic is shot.
My apartment is disaster because I don't have the motivation to clean.
The only thing I feel like I have going is that I can appear presentable, calm and happy when I'm outside of my apartment, all the while I'm internally screaming for something but I don't what that something is.

Celyn August 11th 2017 10:34 AM

Re: Feeling Lost....
It sounds like there is a disconnection between everything that's going on around you (having daily contact with friends, your fiancé taking you to a country concert etc) and how you seem to be internalising your feelings by appearing calm, or feeling that you have no right to feel the way you do. The problem with emotions is that even though you acknowledge that you usually enjoy things and feel happy, you feel that this is how you should feel. But with emotions, especially with mental health and in particular depression, sometimes we don't feel much. So how you are feeling now, isn't wrong or that you have no reason to feel this way, it's just how you are feeling. I do understand wanting to hide your feelings from others, especially if they have gone to effort like your fiancé or your best friend. But I wonder if that makes it a bit worse, in that now you feel you have to pretend as well? You can't force yourself to feel a different way, and sometimes a little self-acceptance that you aren't feeing much these days may help to take the pressure off. It may be worth letting the people close to you know that you aren't feeling much these days, so that you don't have to pretend so much, and that they can try to understand and support you.

It's great that you remember that you are not your anxiety or depression, because you are so much more than that! It's a struggle and it's a part of you, but it's not all of you. The way that I tend to think of it is that you are still you, but perhaps struggling a bit at the moment. There's nothing wrong with that, we all have our ups and downs in life, and depression and anxiety can make these moments feel worse or last longer. But you know that you still have many good qualities and interests, and that when the depression starts to lift, you'll be feeling much more like your self! I understand that it can be very difficult wondering where all your energy and enthusiasm went, and that you don't want to let the depression and anxiety take over. But it won't if you keep on remembering who you are and accept that you are going through a bad patch right now.

Understandably, depression can make you feel less motivated and more lethargic when it comes to work and household chores. Cleaning can seem like an impossible task, I know! But maybe breaking it down a bit, perhaps focusing on one area, start small or do the easy things first and perhaps only take a few minutes cleaning, depending on how you feel. Just a little bit a day can make a difference, even if it doesn't seem like it a first. It can also help to ease the depression a bit because despite having less energy than usual, trying to keep a routine and being a bit productive can help us to feel a bit better in the long term.

I hope that writing it out helped you- it can be therapeutic at times, simply just writing out feelings and even better if you feel heard!

Remember to look after yourself too, and treat yourself kindly :)

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