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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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I am going crazy - September 29th 2017, 03:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am going crazy.


I am aggressive by yelling and screaming and crying


I am becoming the people who hurt me.


Everyone expects me to be a zen Buddhist and I'm so far from that



I'm doing all this mindfulness stuff at the program but when I come home I go into abandoned child survival mode

Also at the program, they have underlying racist, sexist, transphobic, anti LGBTQ notions.

They're Jews of European decent and I'm half Jewish and of Arab immigrants.

They are micro-aggressive and I'm starting to feel very alone.

I keep trying to say it is a place to get better and then move on and it is okay to not love it there as long as I'm learning new things and going in recovery. But I'm not really bearing it. Especially when I come home. Don't even know what's worse anymore.

I'm told to pick my battles. Let small things go if I can help it and focus on advancing a relationship as a whole by letting the small annoyances go.

But my sister calling me slow and not wanting to watch the show with me anymore because of it or invalidating me many times over or running to rescue my father after he had his fun of mocking me.

It is hard to let these things slide. Maybe I'm not good at taking teasing.

Bwing called slow really hurts. It is probably true. But she seemed annoyed at me for it and that hurts more than actually being slow.

Her telling me I'm wrong for yelling even though my father made fun of me and she wasn't there for that part. She always comes at the moment that I'm retaliating (instinctively reacting and impulsive but still wrong)

I would calm down if I had the slightest emotional comfort.

He made fun of me seemingly randomly. I don't know why I keep trying to be close to him. Maybe because there's so much pressure to do so.


I realized with my grandmother and my dad there's similar relationships. I want to see my cousins so I'm trying to maintain a relationship with my grandmother and uncles as they're the adults who live with my cousins or are there frequently.
I want to be close to my siblings but they're coming into the rescue everything my father hurts me and I perhaps overreact. The focus is then on my overreaction. And how yelling isn't okay. Whereas he yelled at me, mocked me and so on. I either am passive and take it in and cry later or I start out desperately trying to be assertive and that failing and then me getting angry and getting aggressive through yelling and crying. I also start shaking and sometimes have a panic attack

I am being judged for my response to stress instead of the fact that my father lashed out at me, mocked me, said "it wasn't my intention to make fun of you", said yes I made fun of you and i will not apologize/never apologize, withdrew from the conversation
At some point he said he will discuss it later but trust me when I say that's a way to shut me up rather than stick to his words.
Telling me I'm basically too hyper and intense for the morning and he wants to drink coffee and have the morning to himself than to deal with me.

My sister came in start defending him immediately, saying I'm the one shouting so I'm wrong, make a negative environment, make it all chaotic
I basically broke our already damaged relationship

She came from out of the wood work to say "he wanted to apologize and you said no I don't want you to"
I told her that's the exact opposite of what happened. I said i feel very hurt and wantee an apology or something and he said he didn't want to apologize.
She said maybe but that I'm wrong for hurting his ears from my shouting. "What do you hope to achieve from this?" And to move on and discuss it later etc
I told her you're placing blame on me when I'm shouting because I'm not okay. I was shaking when I said that.
I sorted off saying "this is insane." I don't remember what else I said
Maybe something about how the burden is all on me to respond so perfectly and I called my father's actions bullying and abusive. I'm trying to refrain from using those words because they're emotionally charged and I feel guilty using them but when I'm angry it comes out of me.

I'm tired of all of this.

I am not looking for advice about how to talk to them.

I can say day and night how I feel and use I statements. Before I started yelling I desperately tried to implement what I remembered from what I learned about being assertive. I used -I statements- and such but it got to the point that I couldn't take it. And I was already full of anxiety pretty fast and when I said I feel very hurt, he showed no care about me. And it really stung and then I started crying and saying "I'm talking to you"


Maybe this is the start to the breakdown I was holding myself from having.

I was having suicidal thoughts from before. My support worker suggested I tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts because I never tell her (she never asks either)

I am on the verge of dropping out of all support-therapy and the iop. I'm getting fed up and frustrated and feeling very alone.

I am doing a lot and still feeling very depressed and anxious and not just about my family. I feel hopeless about the future. I feel like I'm a fraud and don't really have ptsd. I feel very awful when I lose concentration or forget my thoughts or feel foggy and fatigued mentally or physically.
I feel like everything really is my fault
I don't really understand why I'm depressed. Nothing is really all that bad in my life.

But it feels bad. Maybe worse than it really is.

because I'm told to let things roll off my shoulders but I can't do it.


I decided I won't come next week. No one will notice because it is a Jewish holiday on Wednesday so it is half a day Wednesday and closed Thursday and Friday.
So everyone will think I'm just not coming in on monday or tuesday because of the holiday coming up

I'm also planning to not come the following week though but there's also a holiday that week and there was a holiday last week so I easily brushed off why I didnt go on wednesday last week

I just feel like being absent for a while

I do have a vague plan but likely won't act on it. I just like having a plan for comfort

I don't think anything can be done because I'm the problem.
   
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Re: I am going crazy - October 1st 2017, 02:29 AM

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and you are going through a hard time right now. When you are going through a hard, you're mood can always change and you start acting differently. Please do not be too hard on yourself, we act like this because we're not sure how to fix the problem that we're going through. Sometimes we are angry and upset and we are expressing yourselves but not how we normally. I'm sorry that you're sister was like that with you and she shouldn't be saying those kind of things to you. When you have siblings you should always do you're best to get along and yes I know that you will fight over things and trust me I know because I have two of them and we sometimes fight over some dumb things so I know where you are coming from. When you having siblings, you should be helping each other and building each other up. Can you try talking to you're sister and letting her know what she said to you really hurt you and this has been bothering you. Maybe you're sister is also going through something and that's why she said those things to you. I know when my sisters says something to me it's because they are going through something. You said that you feel like being absent, can you try and do something to pick you up so that you don't feel lost or upset. I know that you really like to draw and you're really good at it. I love it when you are always posting you're art. Can you try and draw or paint to try and get you're mind off of being upset? I really hope that you will be okay. Sending you lots of hugs.
   
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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Re: I am going crazy - October 1st 2017, 06:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Golfing girl View Post
Hi,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and you are going through a hard time right now. When you are going through a hard, you're mood can always change and you start acting differently. Please do not be too hard on yourself, we act like this because we're not sure how to fix the problem that we're going through. Sometimes we are angry and upset and we are expressing yourselves but not how we normally. I'm sorry that you're sister was like that with you and she shouldn't be saying those kind of things to you. When you have siblings you should always do you're best to get along and yes I know that you will fight over things and trust me I know because I have two of them and we sometimes fight over some dumb things so I know where you are coming from. When you having siblings, you should be helping each other and building each other up. Can you try talking to you're sister and letting her know what she said to you really hurt you and this has been bothering you. Maybe you're sister is also going through something and that's why she said those things to you. I know when my sisters says something to me it's because they are going through something. You said that you feel like being absent, can you try and do something to pick you up so that you don't feel lost or upset. I know that you really like to draw and you're really good at it. I love it when you are always posting you're art. Can you try and draw or paint to try and get you're mind off of being upset? I really hope that you will be okay. Sending you lots of hugs.

I don't doubt she may be going through something. It isn't the first time though and there's layers of this stuff happening plus her running to my dad's rescue even when he does something clearly wrong.
I try to avoid heated topics with her but she brings if up on her own and invalidates me. Like oe time she brought up a sensitive situation for me and said how her situation was basically the same but worse. I tried to not let it escalate.
Other times she just jumps in to reduce my dad after he seriously hurts my feelings and doesn't care.

There's a line between someone going through something and having her irritability leak into relationships and another thing for her to blame others for family conflicts.
She called me slow many times, as well as greedy, and crazy and other things.

She has been rude and justifies it. Like it is okay for her to yell at me even though I didn't do said thing on purpose but if I get angry at my dad for making fun of me I have to be so calm while he plays with me.

I feel so done with talking, with reaching out, with apologizing, with all of that. I love her and care about her and uve been there for her as an oleer sister as best i could, i really stay patient eith her and sometimes spend hours heloing her with a struggle she has but I feel like she doesn't love me or care about me. And that means she is using me. Because it isn't reciprocating respect
I have taken care of her since I was a child. I was forced to babysit at 6 years old. We have a long history of power struggle.

Sometimes we get on really well. We are similar in certain things. But other times she pushes me away and blames me for the reason my dad is in a bad mood

My dad also talks about me to her and other sister when he is angry with me. And she breaks our friendship when me and my dad are not on good terms. Sometimes outright joining into the argument but other times she would be passive aggressive and only later reveal the cold shoulder or whatever else was because me and our dad had argued earlier.

When I tried talking to her she tells me she is always nice to me, I just don't see it. So she is automatically sidestepping the issue and not letting it even be spoken about
   
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