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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rez Offline
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hello again - October 1st 2017, 11:12 PM

Hey,

I haven't made my presence known on this website in a while because of, well, life. For a while I thought I had everything going great for me because everyone always talks about how it gets better and I had a taste of that "better life" for a few months and I remembers how it felt to be happy and not give a fuck (in a good way).

So before I go any further, here's an update on my life:

I'm in college now (currently typing this on a badass computer I built from the money I made from the job I had (quit it because I had to go to college out of state)), I found it rather easy to make friends because there is literally a club for anything if you go to a rather large university like I do. I started going to the gym and working out, something I've been wanting to do for a while. My self-image is improving and I am really happy with myself. I secured a girlfriend for the summer and the first half of September (I'll get more into this). I was going to parties and living life like every kid my age should. I can go to Denny's at 4AM on a Tuesday for a plate of pancakes because no one can tell me not to.

It was great. It still is. But it doesn't feel the same like it did then.

My parents had flown me home so I could avoid Hurricane Irma and and I took full advantage and went to see my girlfriend as much as I could because the next opportunity would be winter break and I didn't want to wait that long. We were doing teenager things the entire week and it was great. I loved it. However, she decided to break up with me the last night I was there. The reason? Well, the TL;DR of the one I got was the cliche "it's not you, it's me." I quickly realized it to be a lie after comparing it to all of the stuff she told me. So the real reason? I don't really know and it really bothers me. You see, I knew why the last one I had failed and I did everything I could to not make the same mistakes this time around; I was really careful about it and I still got the same outcome, but this time much sooner. Note: I wasn't upset or disappointed with what happened, just angry if anything.

It got me thinking that there must be something that I was missing and I was blind. I don't even know what went wrong this time and I don't even know how to fix it for the next time. It brought the old high school me back thinking I was the problem and started wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there? I don't know. But it started the snowball of bad thoughts and practices and now it's a struggle to be as happy as I was. It's not because I feel lonely or that I think I have no one to talk to, because I know I do. However, nothing I do helps the feeling of self-dread that I have. Somehow these feeling have manifested themselves into something that constantly make me feel like a shitty person no matter what I do. It even has gotten to the point where I've made the healthy coping mechanisms unhealthy ones. For example, I've started to go to the gym two or three times a day because I feel myself just being bored all the time. I no longer have the motivation to go out to club meetings and events or out to parties with friends. I still force myself to because I know social interaction is a good thing. I don't sleep as much as I used to (it wasn't much to begin with but not it is much less) because sleep has been re-associated with nightmares and I hate those with a burning passion.

Life's hard, man. I know. I just see myself spiraling downwards again and I don't want to reach that point (again).

tl;dr: I'm an idiot
   
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Re: hello again - October 2nd 2017, 04:31 PM

Hey there, I'm glad to hear your life had improved for a little while there; but I am sorry your girlfriend broke up with you and didn't give a sufficient reason why. I don't think you should beat yourself up over this and feel that dread where everything can fall apart and go to shit at any given moment. Keep on living your life the way you have. Your academics and the current social life is what you live for now, focus on that. Keep on exercising, but don't do it for the wrong reasons.

You say you have people to talk to, why not make the effort to reach out to them? Remember, this girl was the first of probably a lot of girlfriends you'll have. Right now, your focus should be academics and attempting to maintain your social life and health. I'm really sorry this has happened, and it sucks to not get a good enough excuse as to why you're getting dumped. Don't hesitate to reach out again if you have to.
   
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Re: hello again - October 10th 2017, 12:13 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fernweh. View Post
Hey there, I'm glad to hear your life had improved for a little while there; but I am sorry your girlfriend broke up with you and didn't give a sufficient reason why. I don't think you should beat yourself up over this and feel that dread where everything can fall apart and go to shit at any given moment. Keep on living your life the way you have. Your academics and the current social life is what you live for now, focus on that. Keep on exercising, but don't do it for the wrong reasons.

You say you have people to talk to, why not make the effort to reach out to them? Remember, this girl was the first of probably a lot of girlfriends you'll have. Right now, your focus should be academics and attempting to maintain your social life and health. I'm really sorry this has happened, and it sucks to not get a good enough excuse as to why you're getting dumped. Don't hesitate to reach out again if you have to.
You seem to have missed my point.

The girlfriend isn't the reason why I'm posting on here. I mentioned it as the first domino to a chain reaction.

Academics were never an issue in this case. Motivation has never lacked there because I'm aware of how fucking expensive college can be. The risk of losing that much money is all the motivation that I need.

I've been able to maintain the social life, mainly because I force myself to do so.

The reason for my post was stating that it's become increasingly difficult to find the physical motivation to do things as a result of said events and experiences from years past.
   
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Re: hello again - October 10th 2017, 12:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rezno777 View Post
You seem to have missed my point.

The girlfriend isn't the reason why I'm posting on here. I mentioned it as the first domino to a chain reaction.

Academics were never an issue in this case. Motivation has never lacked there because I'm aware of how fucking expensive college can be. The risk of losing that much money is all the motivation that I need.

I've been able to maintain the social life, mainly because I force myself to do so.

The reason for my post was stating that it's become increasingly difficult to find the physical motivation to do things as a result of said events and experiences from years past.
Can I ask you what gave you that motivation in the past? Do you know what that was? If it is something you do know as you must have had it before because you did have that motivation not that long ago going to the club meetings and parties, the gym. I would try and find that again. Something made it disappear over time and you need to find that again.


"Every challenge is an opportunity to prove to the world that you are, Extraordinary."~ Lzzy Hale of Halestorm
   
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