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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Regular TeenHelper
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Name: cassieee.
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i'm running out of hope and sanity. - May 25th 2009, 08:46 PM

this life,
well it's not working.
i can't stop the pain and nobody really cares.
if i died, it would be whatever.
people claim they care but i don't think soo.
home alone, bottle of pills, well i don't know what the could lead up too.
i miss my mom but she won't be back until the middle of this week.
she's the only person that might give a damn in this whole family.
and i'm saying "might"
so i went over to my youth pastors parents house yesterday because they invited me to a cookout thing and it was a family you know and you could feel the love... i never really feel that here. and i'm not comfortable around people but i was around everybody there and i was comfortable, maybe because they included me, i don't know... i wish my family could be like that. but everybody just basically ignores everybody.

i just, i don't feel like i'm good enough for anybody and basically that makes my feelings "childish" i guess, I don't know. I need to stop the "pity party" but whateverr. I don't care about that stupid advice anymore. I don't feel "childish" a lot of people my age are but I never had the chance to be because I'm to busy worrying about my family and my personal problems to ever actually do whatever... I don't know.

I'm not feeling this anymore.
I woke up, felt horrible, tried to sleep off the feelings of depression but woke up and felt the same way and from there have been crying off and on, gotten yelled at by two people who are supposed to be there, too scared to talk to the rest of the people who are there, my ipod decided it wanted to stop playing music so another escape gone, can't read, can't write, can't do anything but think and i'm thinking i want to end this thing called life.

when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
SillyEvee Offline
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Re: i'm running out of hope and sanity. - May 26th 2009, 06:07 AM

Hold on!
Your family is obviously not what you'd like it to be, but it sounds like you're getting a sort of adoptive family in your youth pastor. Remember, you're mom's coming home in a day or so. You want to see her, right? There's a strong chance she'd be completely DEVASTATED if you weren't there when she got back, right?
It's not a pity party. Your feelings are real and valid and deserve recognition. You deserve love and if you're not getting it, it's because of otherpeople's shortcomings, not yours.
Hang in there. Really. Find something to anchor you. Find a book, a painting, a song. Hold on to Jesus if that works for you.
If you can, find a copy of Kate Bornstein's Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and other Outlaws. It saved my life. Maybe it can help you with yours.

Congrats Canada's Juniors! 5 in a row!
Last Sunday morning, the sunshine felt like rain.
Week before, they all seemed the same.
And oh, I ain't wastin' time no more
Cause time goes by like hurricanes, and faster things.
--The Allman Brothers Band

Things seem impossible until you start to do them.

PM me anytime. I love to talk. :]
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Name: cassieee.
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Re: i'm running out of hope and sanity. - May 27th 2009, 11:34 PM

i'm sick of my parents lying.
or getting my hopes up and letting me down.
maybe lying isn't the best term.
but today; ugh.
my mom promised we could get this dog we had him picked out and everything, then today we get to the dog shelter and she was like "well, I don't think sooo.." so i was obv. upset. so we get in the car and she starts going on and on about other stuff, well "your a cutter," "you talk trash about us" "the people you talk too aren't soo spiffy" and I was just like "SHUT UP." I snapped and I lost it. I seriously, just lost it. She was like "Ha, I'm going to cut myself," sooo by then I was just sooo p/o because she came at me. I was like FINE GO AHEAD YOU DONT KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT ME. then she was like 'im giving your cell phone bill to your dad" because i went over and i was like, "is that supposed to scare me"
i just want to leave.
i want some place to go and chill out for a few days. but of course, they won't let me leave. we were supposed to all go to the lake this weekend but fuck that at the moment, i can't handle it. i don't want to run away but i can't stay here. i cant live. i can.t

when life is in discord; praise ye the Lord

keep your faith alive.
we're not alone <3
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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I've been here a while
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Re: i'm running out of hope and sanity. - May 27th 2009, 11:47 PM

Hi Cassie,

I'm so sorry that your mom was like that. Parents don't realize a lot of times the effect their words can have. I'm so sorry she wasn't more caring. I can definitely understand wanting to get away; but take a deep breath - if that's not an option at the moment, we'll figure out a way for you to get through this where you are. Because I know that you can do this. I have faith in you.

So, I've found that when I can't actually physically escape where I am, it can be helpful to find other, productive ways to "escape." Like blaring music through my headphones and living in the lyrics for a little while. Writing stuff out - whether it's what went on or just a "here's my own little world that I'm going to go live in for the moment" type of thing - can also help.

Any of that sound like it might remotely work?

Hang in there.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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