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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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hollyberry06 Offline
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Exclamation I need help! - October 14th 2017, 01:58 PM

I'm a 15 year old living in the UK with my Mum and Twin Sister. I've just had a HUGE argument regarding my Mum and that pushed me over the edge.
I've never told anyone this, so here goes:

Basically, my life is falling apart.
I don't enjoy anything I used to like anymore- I used to watch a lot of anime but even that seems boring. I hate Art even though it used to be my favourite subject. At school I just sit with my head on the desk just thinking. After school, I reluctantly do sub-standard homework and then just browse the Internet on my laptop. I never feel happy and I'm always annoyed at things.

I'm also always in the shadow of my sister. Even when it comes to picking a college! She already knows what she wants to do, she is better at every subject, always gets higher grades and does better than me at everything. The worst part is when people compliment her and completely ignore me! Even teachers do it- they get us mixed up and praise me for my sister's grades and I have to tell them that it's not me.

Next year, after my GCSEs, I have to go to college and I am so scared for it. I have to come up with where I want to go and what I want to do and inside it freaks me out. I can't sleep, I just lie awake, stressed out of my mind. It's so hard to focus when school and my family are just shoving it all down my throat as if I wasn't stressed enough.

School is a big thing. I completely hate it. Nothing goes right anymore, I keep flunking tests even though I'm a top student. I get bullied A LOT at school, for liking anime, for being very shy and quiet, for being an introvert, for being strange to them... It started almost 5 years ago and everything went downhill. It completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence and made me hate myself. Now, I can't even ask a question in a shop without freezing up and looking dumb. I can't even ask a teacher to go to the toilet in a lesson! It made me think I was a disgusting, ugly blob with no friends. Now I can barely look in a mirror without almost gagging. I think I'm hideous so mostly wear baggy jeans and hoodies to hide it.

I have no friends, especially not in school. I have to hang around with my sister who is petty and easily irritated and a massive drama queen and I hate it. There are a few girls who I talk to outside of school, but I feel like they're only my friend because we're technically abliged to be friends because our Mum's are best friends. No one shares my interests and it makes my life miserable.

Now a big problem: my Mum.
She's really insensitive about my problems. Stressed about college and my GCSEs? Shouts at me for stressing, tells me to deal with it and tries to come up with dumb ways to not be stressed. She gets annoyed at ME for going to open days at colleges that SHE PLANNED because she had to get up early on her day off. She works a full time job and uses it as an excuse to never do any housework. I have to do most of it because my sister is a lazy thing and never pulls her weight. She never even washes her own dishes! I don't want to tell my Mum because she'll get annoyed and tell me to go to counselling. I put this on here because it's relatively anonymous and no one knows me. She has almost no patience and acts really rude to me about the smallest things. Like, she'll come in from work and get angry that we DIDN'T CLOSE THE BLINDS. I'm not even kidding here....

But the reason I'm saying all this is because I think I have depression.
I don't know and haven't been formally diagnosed but I've looked it up thoroughly and most of the symptoms apply to me: I'm lethargic, don't like what used to be enjoyable, never feel happy... Things like that.
I really want to know whether I have depression but I don't have anyone I can ask about it. I can't tell my sister because she'll be a drama queen about it, can't tell my Mum because she'll get annoyed at me, can't tell my school because they'll tell my Mum... It's the worst feeling.
I think I'm also anemic (Really lethargic and I have no energy, our family has a history of low metabolism and thyroid problems) and I think I might have social anxiety (I cannot go to a party, I cannot stand in front of a class, I panic when my name gets called on the register, I can't even say hello to my Mum's friends!).

All this makes me think...if I really should be on this earth, why does all this happen to me? Should I just end it now, commit suicide?

I need someone to help me, someone I don't know...please?

Last edited by hollyberry06; October 14th 2017 at 02:10 PM. Reason: No reason
   
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del677 Offline
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Re: I need help! - October 15th 2017, 06:08 AM

Thyroid? I saw the word Thyroid. Low Thyroid could easily cause all these problems! Low Thyroid causes depression. It's one of the things doctors check for when someone is depressed.

Go get your Thyroid level checked. (You're lucky you live in the UK where you get free health care. I hope it means you can just walk in anywhere without your parent and get treated.)

I like anime. I love anime! I'm shy and quiet. I'm an introvert. I'm strange. Do I know you? Are we related? I'm not your twin sister am I? (I don't think I'm strange; I think everyone else is strange. The world confuses me a lot.)

Life got much better for me when I went to college. The quality of people I was surrounded by jumped considerably. (I think only the smart people go on to college. The bullies all became drug addicts or car mechanics.)

Your twin sister probably has a huge attachment to you. Twins usually do, especially identical twins. She'd probably be devastated if anything happened to you, and she'd have to go to therapy for a long time to get over it.

Where's your dad?

I suppose your mom's a single mom? She sounds way stressed out! Trying to raise a family of twins as a single mom. (Find her a boyfriend? She needs help!)

Sorry I can't help your mom. I know she'd probably relax a little if instead of fighting, you just agreed with her. It might throw her off. Like she's expecting a fight, but if instead you just agreed with her, even if it's not true, but remained calm (not easy), "Yes you're right. The curtains should have been closed. Sorry I did not close them." She'd probably be startled that you agreed with her (even if it's stupid; especially if it's stupid and irrelevant!). By the 2nd or 3rd time, realizing there's no confrontation coming from you, she'd probably respond with "It's not your fault. Sorry. I'm just very stressed." Then you'd say "Sorry". And maybe she'd start talking about how hard it is to be a single mom of twins. That's your chance to listen. If you can get her talking, and just listen, don't try and fix anything, it's the listening itself that is the fix (as you'll find out).

[Right now both people are talking, yelling, and no one is listening, because each person wants to be heard, and no one is going to listen until they are first heard. Someone's got to break that pattern and be the first to listen.]

(This would be easier if you had a counselor to guide you in this.)

The best way you can help your mom, is to become less reactive. This can be achieved by practicing Mindfulness Meditation. There are apps you can download onto your phone, guided meditations. (See "Headspace" is one. Look at the short animated videos at the beginning of lessons 3,5,7,9.) Take 10 minutes out each day to do this mind exercise, and check back in 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, may start to notice a small difference. Keep doing it and notice the change.

If you're smart don't worry about flunking tests. Just get your thyroid checked. Depression causes the mind to slow down, I lose my memory, my ability to think, my ability to do anything, I can't even drive a car anymore. I become a complete moron. Get me out of my depression, it all comes back, my memory returns, my intelligence returns, I become a genius. (A stupid genius, but that's another story.)

Depression and stress will cause all the symptoms you describe. All that freezing up, can't even ask to go to the toilet, it's all a natural result of excessive stress and depression. All those symptoms will disappear once you de-stress and fix the depression (which is a medical problem, like low thyroid can cause it. I know it seems weird to think a pill can fix all these problems with the world. I didn't believe it myself when my doctor suggested it. Sounded like the dumbest thing a smart doctor could say. But hey, I already tried everything else I could think of that was rational and logical, so might as well try something completely illogical, like take a pill to fix the world around me. It fucking worked! God damn it! Stupid idiotic doctor was right. In hindsight it wasn't just the doctor, it was everyone telling me the problem wasn't with the picture of the world I was seeing, the problem was with the camera. I think it was much easier for them to see it from the outside, than for me to see it, being inside it.)

Well that's good news. Your condition is temporary. Your mom has problems, which aren't your problems. Separate her problems from your problems. (Well you may suffer when she has problems, but at least it means the problem isn't you, it's her.) She has a higher power and you don't have to be it.

Sorry I can't actually solve anything. You need someone to talk to. Come talk here anytime. (I think the UK is very well set up with support groups of all kinds. I think they lead the world in that regard.) Best wishes!



   
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