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PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
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Name: Kianna Libra Blue
Age: 26
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Join Date: October 7th 2011

I Want An End. - November 21st 2017, 11:48 PM

Normally, I keep to myself as I've given up on trying to get help. But in all honestly, I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm done, tired. Absolutely exhausted with this so-called 'job' of taking care of the person who gave birth to me. I'm tired of always being around her, around them. My family. To those who have read my post's before about my 'past'. It's no longer about that. Now, it's how things are now. I've recently turned twenty-five in the last few months. Recently taken to loom knitting to deal with my aggressive tendencies and spent more time in my room than anywhere else in the house as the season's changed and it's now a lot colder than I'd like. Anyway, I'll put it plainly.
As I grew up, it took me a great deal to develop mentally. I was increasingly withdrawn in life because of my stepfather's abuse and being raised in that situation. Apparently, my brain works differently(most likely a form of high functioning autism, I don't know for sure) and I spent a lot of time between acting like a young adult or a mentally deficient child who didn't quite know how to react to everything. I've developed the habit of hiding in my room, where it was safest. Tuning everything out, staring at people until they stopped berating me and left.
It's the same even now. She keeps saying she's always 'let me have my own choice' in things. But that is a barefaced lie, and I've allowed it. My mother is one of the most controlling people I've ever known, and I've grown dependant on her damned 'guidance'. My sister in law tries to help, but she doesn't quite know how because mother is an unstoppable force of nature. My brother is ever caustic. Other than constantly being an asshole from hell, he's never tried being kind, or straight with me. He's 'a lot like his birth father' mom will always say.
As of now, she constantly tells me what to do. I have no choice in the matter. She'll use psychologically manipulating tactics to feel horrible about myself for not doing what I need to do. Or helping her when she asks. I will help out, I will do what I need to do. But she and my brother practically DEMAND I do what they ask and it grates on me. It makes me angry because I cannot afford to say no. They make my life a living hell otherwise and I can't say a damn thing about it. I want to scream at them, to fucking break things and hurt them. Beat them. Set something ablaze to work off all the damned frustration, pain, and rage I've worked so hard to suppress. It's been this way for five years almost now and I'm not quite sure how to change it. I have a means in which to call and get therapy, but I've long since given up on feeling like some sort of fucking stranger is going to help me change things in my life.
I want to write books for a living, make enough money to take care of my family and get the hell out of this place, away from them. But I no longer have the will to do it. This place, this damned family of mine is sucking the life and will out of me. I keep going to sleep praying I'll never wake up, but I always do and it breaks my heart. I want to die. I want it to end. I want the earth to be destroyed so I can finally have rest from this entire situation. I'm in a constant state of limbo and I don't quite know how to change it. I no longer want to. Despite how much I feel I can no longer cry or do anything to express it. I'm always under their control and I'm comfortable there.
I constantly feel like I need someone by my side, helping me feel comfortable and being through my side through the process of calling and actually getting help because I'm too afraid of going to my mom and even my sister in law with it. I'm always afraid, always sad, always struck through and stuck in god awful apathy no matter what I do or attempt to do something different.
I can't drive because of my crippling anxiety yet. Much less be in public. I don't know what to do anymore, or how to change it. I want away from here, even if for a day just to relax and detox. I'm so tired, so damn done with everything.
   
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I Want An End. - December 3rd 2017, 08:31 AM

Hello

It sounds like your mom and bro are giving you more grief than you can handle, and that there's no outlet for your frustration and pain. But I do think that sometimes people can't really be relied on to be on your side all the time.. but one suggestion I'm thinking of is a cat.. you could get a cat for a pet. These animals are full of affection and will always love you even more than you love them, because thats how they are.

Also I do think that you should probably look at things from a different angle.. rather than it being like " There's no way out " you can look at it from this one " I'm a blessing and I know it and no one can make me feel bad because I know what I am and I'm better than everyone else thinks I am, and one day I'm going to be able to live life... my way and be happy just the way I want to be. " That should help you stave off your mother's psychological attacks and also enable you to be strong whatever the challenge you face.

Perhaps you should also take up a hobby so that you'll have even more things to look forward to. The way you described your situation makes it seem as if there's too many cons going around so much so it obscures the pros. But you can make your own blessings and passions... you can try something new. Whether be it graphic design or something.. you'll be able to find fun and help you distract yourself from whatever's going on.

Don't lose hope.. we're all here for you!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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