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My life is meaningless - December 31st 2017, 02:56 PM

I don't know why I'm posting here because I'm not really looking for sympathy or advice. I don't even know what I'm doing. Does it matter anyway? I don't think anyone cares why I'm posting. I wish I could die. I would've died a long time ago if I had a gun. My life is meaningless. I can't do anything. I'm not smart, I can't sing or dance or act, I don't have any talents, I don't even have a good personality. I'm fat and ugly. I used to exercise everyday and diet but I just didn't want to anymore. You know why? Because if I stop, it makes me fat and that makes me feel awful about myself and it's a worse punishment than exercising too much to begin with. Sure, I can drive but I don't because I'm too scared. I don't have a job. I want one but I'm too scared to get one. I don't have any real friends. I don't go anywhere. I don't have any hobbies. I used to think that all I needed was my girlfriend to be happy. But I'm sure she'll leave me soon enough, I wouldn't blame her either. She's too good for me and she deserves way better. She's so much more successful in just every area of life. And she's not even here anyway, she's in an entirely different state now. I had one reason to live and now I don't so it's come to this. I just don't know why I've got to be such a terrible person. Why couldn't I just be normal? Why are the simplest things so hard for me?

If I died tomorrow, who's going to show up at my funeral? No one. They wouldn't even have anything to say. Anything good to say. There's this stupid butterfly project that you're supposed to do to keep you from cutting. The only reason I don't cut now is that it hurts like hell and I don't want to even uglier when I have all those scars on me. I already had like double digits of scars and I'm trying to get rid of them. You're supposed to draw butterflies to represent the people who wouldn't want you to cut. I only have two. You can't seriously tell me that's not pathetic. One's my girlfriend and the other is a "friend" who I met online. I'm pretty sure I'll have zero soon enough. At least then I'll be able to cut whenever I want because no one would care, I guess.

And I mean, you can see why people hate me. You probably hate me. I hate me too. But I don't care. Sometimes I want to make people hate me because being rejected hurts a lot, it hurts worse than cutting and doesn't leave any scars. I wish I'd just die. But dying is so hard. I've researched a lot of methods and I don't even know what to do, it almost seems like a waste of time to even try. But I don't want to live this life anymore. It'd be doing everyone a favor, all I do is take up space and waste resources anyway. At least people can't say I never think of others, better someone useful takes my place.
   
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Re: My life is meaningless - December 31st 2017, 03:32 PM

Hey. First of all, I care. Your girlfriend and your friend care. And I'm sure loads of other people on this site care. I've been where you are. Still am, sometimes. But you have to know that there are people who want you here, right now, alive. It's good that you're not cutting anymore- any reason not to is still a reason. But please don't go. Sure, another person may take your place, but we value you for you. You are not unlovable. You are a human being worthy of being here on this planet. And no matter how hard it is to see that sometimes, I hope you know that deep down. Just please stay here. For your girlfriend. For me. For your friend. I'm free to talk if you need to. Just remember, there's always someone out there in our lives who loves us, even if we don't know it ourselves. Stay safe, and please tell someone if you feel like doing something life-threatening.
   
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Re: My life is meaningless - January 1st 2018, 12:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
I don't know why I'm posting here because I'm not really looking for sympathy or advice. I don't even know what I'm doing. Does it matter anyway? I don't think anyone cares why I'm posting. I wish I could die. I would've died a long time ago if I had a gun.
I'm very glad you're posting here, and I want to remind you that there are people who care. All of us here at TeenHelp care. And we want to help. I've been where you are, and at one point it felt like the only thing keeping me alive was that I didn't have a surefire method to end my life. But you know what? Looking back, I'm so grateful for that. The fact that I didn't have a way to die meant that I had to find a way to live. It was hard, and it was painful, but it was worth it. The same holds true for you. Feeling like you want to die doesn't mean that it's the right choice or that you have to act on those urges.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
My life is meaningless. I can't do anything. I'm not smart, I can't sing or dance or act, I don't have any talents, I don't even have a good personality. I'm fat and ugly. I used to exercise everyday and diet but I just didn't want to anymore. You know why? Because if I stop, it makes me fat and that makes me feel awful about myself and it's a worse punishment than exercising too much to begin with.
Respectfully, I would like to disagree. Everyone has a purpose, and talents, and a collection of good traits that makes them who they are. Sometimes they're very obvious, like when somebody has an undeniably beautiful voice or a captivating ability to dance, but sometimes they're a lot more subtle. Maybe your talents are things like being able to tell good jokes, or actively listening to those around you and making them feel supported, or being easy to talk to. Maybe your talents are things you haven't even discovered yet, and one day you'll find a hobby or a passion that makes you go "yes, this is what I'm here for, this is what I'm meant to do". It doesn't matter if people expect you to be traditionally book-smart or good at dancing or anything else. What matters is that you're here for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is just yet. As for having a "good personality" - what does that mean to you? What traits define "goodness"? Everyone has aspects of their personality that they don't necessarily like, but the encouraging thing about this is that once you recognise those aspects, you can work on them. Think about some traits or habits that you'd like to develop, and go from there. For example maybe you want to be more patient, or outgoing, or supportive. Those are all traits you can cultivate, and it's much better to work on specific goals like this than lament the fact that you don't have an overall "good personality", whatever that is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
Sure, I can drive but I don't because I'm too scared. I don't have a job. I want one but I'm too scared to get one. I don't have any real friends. I don't go anywhere. I don't have any hobbies.
This is actually an excellent place to start. You know what you're scared of, which means that you can start taking steps to overcome that fear. Think about why you're scared of driving and getting a job, and then look at ways you can work through that fear. Maybe you could have someone help you, like a family member or counsellor. You could also look into places you can go, and ways to make friends. Make little goals, such as "today I'm going to talk to one new person" or "today I'm going to go to one new place", and keep building on those until you're doing new things, meeting new people, and feeling more confident for doing so. Are there any hobbies you're interested in? Maybe something you think sounds cool but you're not sure how to get started? Well, now's the time. Look into resources and guides, look for clubs and societies near you, and see how you can go about getting into a new hobby. Learning something new can actually be a great way to pull your mood up and make you feel more excited about life again, so I would highly recommend it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
I used to think that all I needed was my girlfriend to be happy. But I'm sure she'll leave me soon enough, I wouldn't blame her either. She's too good for me and she deserves way better. She's so much more successful in just every area of life. And she's not even here anyway, she's in an entirely different state now. I had one reason to live and now I don't so it's come to this. I just don't know why I've got to be such a terrible person. Why couldn't I just be normal? Why are the simplest things so hard for me?
I would recommend talking to your girlfriend about this. She's your partner, she cares about you, and she can help if you let her. It's very easy to look at someone we're close to and think "I'll never be as [good/smart/funny/pretty/talented/whatever else] as them", but in the long run that's a dangerous mindset to be in. It doesn't matter how good and successful your girlfriend is, because she is not you. You're on different paths, and it's useless to compare yourself because life isn't a competition. It's a journey. Your girlfriend can be successful in her own way without that impacting your own success or worth. As for being "normal" - well, that's overrated anyway. And I can definitely relate about things being hard. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself for struggling with things that those around me can do easily, but then I remind myself that I shouldn't feel bad about my starting point. Everyone starts off with different abilities and challenges, and that's fine. There are things I'm good at, and things I'm bad at, and I firmly believe it all evens out in the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
If I died tomorrow, who's going to show up at my funeral? No one. They wouldn't even have anything to say. Anything good to say. There's this stupid butterfly project that you're supposed to do to keep you from cutting. The only reason I don't cut now is that it hurts like hell and I don't want to even uglier when I have all those scars on me. I already had like double digits of scars and I'm trying to get rid of them. You're supposed to draw butterflies to represent the people who wouldn't want you to cut. I only have two. You can't seriously tell me that's not pathetic. One's my girlfriend and the other is a "friend" who I met online. I'm pretty sure I'll have zero soon enough. At least then I'll be able to cut whenever I want because no one would care, I guess.
Your worth is not determined by how many people would come to your funeral. It's not a numbers game. It's about making a difference where you can, and living your life the best way you know how. This is not the end of your story, and there's so much more you have left to do. Think about all the friends you'll make, the family you could have, the place you could hold in the world if you just fight through this dark patch now. If the butterfly idea didn't work for you (and, to be honest, it never really worked for me either), then try something else. There are so many alternatives you can use (and that's only one list, there are so many more out there), and it's okay to try one that doesn't rely on thinking about people who care about you. Sometimes it's enough just to work through an urge yourself, or to do something because it's the best thing for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WideEyedWanderer View Post
And I mean, you can see why people hate me. You probably hate me. I hate me too. But I don't care. Sometimes I want to make people hate me because being rejected hurts a lot, it hurts worse than cutting and doesn't leave any scars. I wish I'd just die. But dying is so hard. I've researched a lot of methods and I don't even know what to do, it almost seems like a waste of time to even try. But I don't want to live this life anymore. It'd be doing everyone a favor, all I do is take up space and waste resources anyway. At least people can't say I never think of others, better someone useful takes my place.
The thing about hate is that it's an active emotion, and it's exhausting. Most people don't have the energy to hate others all the time, so even if it feels like people do hate you, it's probably not true. And even if it was, so what? If someone is petty enough to hate you, they're probably not the kind of person you want in your life anyway. Look for the people who will love, support, and validate you, not the ones who will hold grudges and dislike you for silly reasons. You said that you don't want to live this life anymore, and that's really important - you don't want to live this life. So make a new life. Make changes now so that you can live the life you do want. You don't have to stay stuck where you are. You have control of your life and you can make it what you want it to be. And don't ever think that if you did end your life, you'd be making room for somebody "better" to take your place. That's not how the world works. This little patch of the universe that you're occupying right now? That's yours. Nobody can take that from you. If you were to leave it, then that place just stays empty. There will be a you-shaped hole that nobody else will be able to fill. You're not taking resources or space away from somebody else. You're just occupying the space that the universe made for you, and you have absolutely every right to do that. Things may be bad now, but they won't stay that way forever. I hope this helped a bit, and I hope your pain eases soon. Best of luck with it all, and take care of yourself.




just because it hurts to go on
doesn't mean the battle can't still be won
;
   
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