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Unhappy Please help cheer me up - January 15th 2018, 01:09 PM

Trigger warning for self-harm and suicide




I'm a 17 year old girl and as most of you probably know, I was dating a girl in the Navy so it was like a LDR but I just...fucked up. Well, to be fair, I think she fucked up too but I probably did more. So, whatever, I know this was wrong and stupid but I texted her and asked if she'd be my girlfriend officially (like we'd date exclusively) and she never answered me. Like, it's been over a month and she never answered. And I tried to get her to talk to me, I tried to change the subject but she still never answered me. I said like Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, all that. We used to text just about every single day too. Obviously, I was hurt but I kept giving her more and more time because I wanted to trust her. And I know I shouldn't have asked such a big thing over text, you don't have to remind me. Like I said, I spent over a month waiting for her. I cried a lot, I actually got sick from so much stress because I couldn't work out why she wouldn't just talk to me. I am trying to recover from cutting and I broke down and actually got the blades out of my pencil sharpeners, ready to cut myself but I didn't because I had a bad experience with blood recently so I didn't. I just don't understand because I really thought she was going to be the one and I thought she felt the same.

The more I thought about this, the more I started to think about our past together. Basically, I think I can't even count how many times that she cancelled on a date and the excuses always seemed a little far-fetched, certainly not something that'd take the entire day but I trusted her anyway because I'm naïve and an idiot. It always felt like she had to leave (when we were texting) at times where we were talking seriously about our relationship...or I was anyway.

So, I'm still hurting really bad (like really bad) but I sent her a text saying not to worry because I wasn't going to bother her anymore and that I'm sorry if I troubled her. I said that I really thought we had something but maybe I was seeing things that weren't there. But I also said that if she didn't like me, she should've just said so and not made excuses or lead me on (and I feel like an asshole about that) and that it was unfair to leave me waiting for a month. I said that I'm not mad (even though I am) but I'm hurting, that I hope she finds what she's looking for in life and that she can be happy. I mean, I bawled my eyes out typing that message and I'm still crying now but what am I supposed to do? I didn't want to say those things but I can't spend my whole life waiting on someone and slowly pining away, right? I don't even know if I did the right thing. I wanted to blow up at her for ghosting me but I knew that wasn't the mature thing to do.

And maybe you guys don't understand it but she was my entire world. I know it's cliché but no one will ever know how much she saved me. I don't even know if she knows it. What do I have now? Nothing. I don't want to love anyone else. I never wanted anyone else. I'm always going to be thinking of her and what we could've been, if I ever find anyone else. And everyone told me she was bad for me but I was just so stupid and I didn't want to believe that. I believed in soul mates and love at first sight and all that bullshit. So now they can all have a good laugh about how dumb I am, I guess. I knew she had been hurt and frankly, had some "daddy issues" and she thought she was a bad person. And I promised I would never, ever hurt her and that I'd take her away from all that but guess what? I failed and I think I just hurt her again. Because I acted like I'd always be there and then I said I was leaving. But I don't know what else I'm supposed to do!! Would you have done any different if a girl didn't speak to you for over a month?

I don't even know what to do, I just keep crying like she's dead or something. I can't sleep. And I want to kill myself. Because I wanted to kill myself before I met her, I tried to [Edited]. Then I met her and I stayed alive for her. I don't have anything now. I have a training shift at a job in two days, I start the actual job in four days and I'm a fucking mess. Can someone please give me advice or tell me something, anything to cheer me up? I just want to give up.

Last edited by .Brittany.; January 16th 2018 at 10:10 PM. Reason: Please don't include forms of suicide attempts
   
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Re: Please help cheer me up - January 15th 2018, 06:23 PM

Hey. I'm really sorry about your shitty situation. Love hurts, right? Especially when that person was the only thing keeping you standing. But sometimes, we have to move on. Love sucks, and it can break your heart to bits when it ends, especially if you still feel it. But you're still alive, you know? Without her, you're breathing and walking and talking to us. You're still a functional person without her. And I know that it can be hard to see that, but that's why we all are here. You can get through this, and I for one am here to support you all the way. Replying to your things on here, you've begun to feel like less like a person behind a screen and more like a friend to me, and trust me when I say that I feel for you and your situation. There are probably people on this site that can put this better than I can, but I want you to know that I would miss you. And I'm sure there are others who would too. Have you tried talking to someone? I know everyone says that, but it's sound advice. I'm here to PM, and there are lots of other people that are here on this site to help you too. I wish you all the happiness this world has to give. Please don't go.
   
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Re: Please help cheer me up - January 16th 2018, 12:03 PM

Hello.

In a way, you remind me of myself .. except that in my case.. a lost best friend robbed me of all my motivation .

But the fact is that..I know that she's human, and the rest of us are too. I know that she meant a lot, and the way she suddenly showed ya the cold shoulder isn't so nice... but for you, there's something, someone out there for you to live for. Love will pave the way.. but first you need to love yourself. I know that you were a mess before she came into your life, but things will get better. If you get yourself into new groups, new experiences and do more things that you love, you may one day rediscover that zest and enthusiasm you once had.

I know how painful this is.. my lost best friend was basically my main topic for like 50 of the last rant/ depressive threads I've made on here, so I know how it feels like to lose someone that's so precious to you.

But there's something, someone out there for you. believe this.

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: Please help cheer me up - January 16th 2018, 02:19 PM

Thank you both but I just made things so much worse. Basically, I started venting to one of my friends and said that I wanted to try and force myself to be straight and a Christian because I thought it was my only shot for happiness. And I said it was easier. I mean. It would obviously be easier to be straight than gay and I pointed out that 90% of people are straight and I felt like I'd be alone forever. I was always told by my old counselor to reach out to people and I thought I was supposed to talk about it with someone and I thought they were people I could trust. Well then, one friend didn't say anything but the other got pissed and said she's trying to embrace her sexuality and find independence and that she couldn't deal with my negativity, that I needed to see a psychologist. She said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. So, I said that I wasn't forcing her to and that I didn't even mention her sexuality.

And I went on to say that I know I'm unstable and toxic and annoying so I didn't blame her for leaving, that I'd leave too because I only hurt people. That I didn't know how to properly have friends but that she deserved to be happy. She said not to guilt trip her which I didn't think I was doing. I was literally trying to make her feel better about leaving. I just can't win. I ended up just blocking her number and deleting the conversation from my feed thing because we were just going back and forth and it was annoying. Then I proceeded to cry my eyes out, I'm still crying now too because I'm just such a shitty person, I even told her that. I just don't deserve love or friends and I wish I'd die. I literally only had three whole friends in the world, now I might only have one. Two if I'm lucky. And I cut myself, I cut myself for the first time in months. It didn't hurt but my hands shook and there was just so much blood. I hate myself, I just destroy everything and everyone. I just feel like I don't even deserve happiness or kindness because I'm such a horrible person, I just can't keep my mouth shut.
   
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Re: Please help cheer me up - January 16th 2018, 02:28 PM

You're not toxic,you're someone who's going through a lot of feelings, the likes of which could create a cornucopia of mental anguish and pain.. and frankly anyone would make bad decisions if they're going through all that. You are not alone.. you have us, and as time goes by, you'll have more people in your life , and things will change for the better.

We're all your friends too.. so count on us. We've got you!

You are more a blessing than you think you are.. you deserve to laugh,live and love. This experience will probably teach you just how valuable friends are..

Fortunately, friends are everywhere waiting to be made.



You're not horrible.. rather the opposite of it.

Hold on to hope.. because hope 'll always extend its vice-like grip to you.. and it won't let go.
Darren


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: Please help cheer me up - January 17th 2018, 12:36 AM

Hey, you're not a toxic friend! If anything, your friend wasn't accommodating enough to realize the things you've been going through. We all say things we don't mean when we're in distress and in pain. If your friend couldn't see that, then she's not a good friend to begin with. You have more than two friends. You have all of us here on the forums. Sure, we can't be there in person, but rest assured that we care and we're here to see you through. I'm available to rant to if you're having a bad day; I'm used to being on the receiving end of rants, and I'll never judge you for what you say. As for the cutting, it's ok. Almost everyone has relapses sometimes. The important thing is to come back stronger than before. You deserve all the kindness in the world, and I sincerely hope that together, we can get you through to the light at the end of the tunnel. Best regards and lots of hugs.
   
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