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No freedom - January 27th 2018, 02:57 AM

My parents are strict asian parents. I have no freedom in this house. I am RARELY allowed to go out with friends and I always have to be back early. Im constantly locked up here in this house. Ive only ever had one sleepover. I was just allowed to hang out woth boys about 9 months ago. I feel like Im going insane being here. My parents are emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive and being here 24/7 drives my mad. What do I do?
They don't allow me to do ANYTHING (im not even exaggerating). Its just day after day coming home and being locked up in my room with my own thoughts. Its causing my anxiety and depression to become far worse and Ive relapsed on cutting. I just dont know what to do. I get good grades, i do what they ask, and overall, im a good child. They just don't let me be me.
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Re: No freedom - January 28th 2018, 06:11 PM

Hey there Sunny,

I understand the Asian parent thing. For a long time I didn't have the words for it so I called it "military style". It is so impersonal that it hurts. It's like there's a lack of emotional connection. If for example, I were to go to an office and the worker was dealing with me in an impersonal office-y way, that would make sense. But it is like a bureaucratic military style atmosphere in what should be a home environment. It is hard to feel safe like that.

You're only 14 and it's hard to do some things when you're only 14. But you also have an advantage for realizing how problematic things are from a young age.
You have a few options here. Something maybe you can try is going to a youth organization if you have one locally. You can tell your parents something vague that sounds academic. Because I know for my family and other Asian families, the most important thing in life are academics and getting a job, so if you can connect the need to go to a youth organization to improving your academics, they might be more willing. It isn't lying, because improving your mental heath will in the long run improve your academics. But overall, know in your heart that doing this step is for yourself. It's just easier to get them to be on board with you if you made it about them and their demands.

Because parents can be draining, try doing something to counteract it and to fill you up to keep you afloat and moving to the next stage of your life, where hopefully you won't have to be around them as much. You have roughly 4 years till youre 18 years old which in most countries means you'll be of legal age. There are a few things you can do in the moment. There are logistical things such as starting to learn to drive a car, getting little gigs here and there if possible and save up, looking into colleges away from home, or even learning to cook on your own so by the time you're 18 you'd be much more prepared to live independently. All of these are helpful things but try not to do them all at once. It is overwhelming!

Another thing you can do is more therapeutically, trying to be a healthier person for yourself. For instance, something like cutting, to begin exploring healthier coping mechanisms. I'm not saying to stop completely, that may seem too hard right now and that's ok. But begin exploring alternatives. Maybe start seeing a counselor at school. Maybe, start writing down things that bring you hope, just to keep you going when you feel helpless.

Right now, there are things out of your control that are frustrating and restricting your freedom. But it won't be like that forever. You can't change who they are or how they treat you. But you can use the power you do have to make things a little brighter for yourself. To build yourself up. You can use the little ounce of freedom you do have to improve the way things are, while you're here. It sucks like hell but you're going to get through it when the time comes. It's just hard right now. And if you do want tips about how to get out, we can PM about that, no problem. But it might help if you spoke to a social worker or someone more locally.
What does using your ounce of freedom look like to you? It can mean listening to music that YOU enjoy. That's something no one can take away from you. Your self expression is also something no one can take away. You can write things, journal, you can come here and talk. You have value and you're going to find your way out. Everyday you can do a little something for self-care and believe it or not, that's a lifelong skill and something like building self-esteem, self-care, and self-expression are things that will really keep you going through this hard time.

I'm wondering how things are at school in terms of seeing a school counselor? What are your thoughts on this? Is it possible? I know it isn't possible for everyone. But at school, your parents can't take that time away from you so if you can find a way to see a school counselor during school hours without having your parents find out, that would be ideal probably.

If you're in your own room with your own thoughts, something that helped me was texting, skype, social media to talk to in-person friends and online friends. Or another thing is to confide in your friends about how things are, though if you have friends with old school parents too, they may or may not be as aware as you are, which means you may get invalidation. Though if you do need to vent about your parents, I believe TH is willing to listen and I know quite a few people who can relate, though not having Asian parents necessarily, but having a broken home.

We have spoke in the past, and I know you have a lot of strength within you. It can just feel like you're drowning. But you'll find a way through this. When you're a little older, you can do more things and maybe roommate with someone, maybe dorm at college. You'll find something that works. And we're all here right beside you <3
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Re: No freedom - February 7th 2018, 10:42 AM

Sorry to hear your problem. Try to convince them.
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