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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Jordan12 Offline
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I donít know anymore - March 8th 2018, 02:44 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I’m 15 years old , about to turn 16 in a couple of days. I have been struggling with depression for about 3 years. My parents are divorced which had been really hard on me. Ever since 7th grade where I actually felt like I was noticed, i got pantsed one day during gym exposing my private parts especially me being Asian, people made fun of me for a couple weeks traumatizing me and causing my sadness to start. I liked a girl in 8th grade becoming obsessed with her, she was everything someone would dream about. There has been the middle school football jockey who would take her attention causing me to be depressed over this thinking I was stupid enough to fall for her while she didn’t even know how I felt for her. I moved to Germany to hopefully forget my past in middle school and hope for a better future with my dad since my parents are divorced. The start of 9th grade started out perfectedly. I made friends, hang out, and got good grades. My friends and I went out to party’s and that’s when I started to drink and smoke because it was cool and fun. Although it really wasn’t for me , I just wanted to fit in with other people and this was how I did it. I started having suicide thoughts during the time contemplating what was the best way to end my life and see what actually happens when you die. I started starving myself where I was 5”11 and only weigh around [Edited] pounds once I got back to the United States with my mom. I got held back that year and bombed every class I went through after the 1st semester. While I was I Germany I was hoping that I could become homeschooled but, you can’t become homeschooled In Germany due to the law which made me mad at my dad for not letting me go home during Christmas break. I cried almost 3 times every week in Germany, I skipped school and took the bus and snuck into my house while my dad was at work. He tried taking me to a embassy clinic which tried helping me talk through my problems while I was uncomfortable talking about them especially in person. I skipped school enough that he was forced to send me home gladly because my dad never knew how I felt even though I had balled my eyes out one day in the car talking about my problems that I didn’t fit into the school and got made fun of for being Asian. He doesn’t understand and I don’t think he will ever because this is his first time taking care of me in school. I returned to the United States looking like a toothpick. My mom doesn’t even believe in my depression and just turning down my online homeschool offer. 9th grade starts again and I see my old friends , embarrassed to tell them I’m in 9th grade although they already knew. It’s past 1st semester and it’s been goin g smooth although I don’t even eat lunch in school , I just go to the library because I don’t know where I would sit. I’m sick one day and these feelings I experienced I thought were gone came back. I wanted to skip school, I wanted to feel wanted by people, I wanted to be homeschooled so I can just avoid these people I once thought were friends but I just pass by and say hi, and I want to forget my past and focus on the future. But I just can’t , im scarred about what happened. I’m lonely now I have no one to talk to, if I talk to my family I don’t think they will take it seriously and just suck up and continue school. I sometimes think it would be nice to be dead, to forget everything and see what’s up there for me. I’m in dire need for advice, I want to be homeschooled but they most likely won’t reason with me. Am I being irrational about all this homeschool bs? What should I do??

Last edited by .Brittany.; March 11th 2018 at 12:37 AM. Reason: Please don't include weight numbers.
   
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Re: I donít know anymore - March 9th 2018, 05:21 PM

Hey

I'm sorry your parents are being a bit irrational about this. Is there any specific reason why they aren't letting you be homeschooled? It might be good to bring that up with them, as depending on where you live the laws regarding homeschooling could be pretty strict.

Regarding your depression and all that, I want to let you know that you are worth it. No matter what. You being in this world makes a difference, even if you don't realize it Secondly, you deserve to get help with all this. You don't have to go through this by yourself. If you can get in touch with a school counselor, or a hotline, anything, I would see about going for it. I know it can be a scary thing to do, but after that first step forwards things might start to look up.

Wishing you well, take care


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Re: I donít know anymore - March 10th 2018, 02:24 AM

Hello and welcome to teenhelp It's great that you have joined and thank you so much for sharing this with us and you have done a wonderful job.
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and I hope that you will be okay soon. Can you try talking with someone about this to help you. Could you try taking with a teacher or the school counselor at you're school, or a friend or a family member if you can. And let them know that you are having a hard time with this and need some help.
Also try to do something to help you to be okay for a while. For example going for a walk or having music on or putting on a funny movie or TV show or calling a friend to talk with. You can also try to write a letter and get everything out on paper and then you can rip the paper into a whole bunch of pieces and throw it away. This can help you with what you are feeling. I hope you will be okay soon.
   
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