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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dust and Ash

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Exclamation I'm ready to give up - April 9th 2018, 06:47 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know how much longer I can take feeling this way. I'm trying to hold on, to find the positive in life. I see no good thing in the future. My brothers are now going through things I went through. My dad called them motherf*ckers because they were roughhousing. It has taken a toll on my brothers because apparently he does that a lot. They can't talk about it without bursting into tears. And I can't say anything because if I do anything that my parents think is wrong then I get sent away. Every time my dad does something to my brothers, all I can do is shut down. I hate that I feel this useless. I cannot even protect my 12 and 9 year old brother from this pain. My 14 year old brother, he doesn't even care. He just laughs and joins in with my dad. My family is tormenting my younger siblings. It kills me. I hate it so much. I try and I try and I try, but I cannot do anything right. I have no motivation anymore. I used to be so social, but now social events are one of my triggers. I went to a quinceanera, and completely lost it. I couldn't dance. I tried to lift up my foot, but I couldn't. My stepdad tried to dance with me and I ran off. I had to hide in the bathroom to calm down. I didn't self-harm because I didn't have anything to do so, besides pinching myself.
I just want this to end. It hurts to breathe. I see no point in it. I can't do anything right. Nothing at all. I feel annoying when I talk about these things to my friends. The guy I wanna be with, I feel like he would be in a better situation without me here. I feel like my brothers won't go through the pain if I'm not here. Everything would be so much better if I just disappeared. I know it. I've wanted to get better, but I have not heard from any counselor and my parents do not mention taking me to see one.
I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to leave. I hate this feeling. I hate it.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: I'm ready to give up - April 10th 2018, 04:42 PM

Sorry to hear that you and your brothers are going through so much. But please don't blame yourself for not being able to protect them. That's not your responsibility....your parents shouldn't be treating them this way. At the same time, you aren't useless. You are being there for your younger brothers, just by listening to them and validating what they are going through. Believe it or not, that helps more than you might realise!

I'm saddened to hear that your 14 year old brother joins in with your dad. Sometimes young people copy their parents to fit in, get something out of it, or because they don't realise that what they are doing is harmful. It doesn't excuse your brother joining in at all, but it does help to explain it a bit.

You are doing the best you can, but it's understandable that you feel you can't do this by yourself. I understand that you don't want to say anything in case you get sent away....but is there anyone that you trust that you can talk to about this? It sounds like you could do with support for yourself too, especially seeing as it's affecting your life in terms of being social and just wanting to hide from everything.

You aren't being annoying when you talk about these things to your friends, although it may be that they don't know how to help or what to say to you. That's no-one's fault though and definitely not yours. Remember we are our worst critics so it's entirely possible that the guy you want to be with wouldn't be better off without you, and your brothers certainly wouldn't be either.

Have you tried approaching counsellors? There might be one at school, or you can ask for a referral from your doctor, or you can try checking out free/low cost counselling in your area provided by organisations and charities. We also have some hotlines that you might want to check out too.

Hang in there


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Dust and Ash

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Re: I'm ready to give up - April 10th 2018, 07:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celyn View Post
Sorry to hear that you and your brothers are going through so much. But please don't blame yourself for not being able to protect them. That's not your responsibility....your parents shouldn't be treating them this way. At the same time, you aren't useless. You are being there for your younger brothers, just by listening to them and validating what they are going through. Believe it or not, that helps more than you might realise!

I'm saddened to hear that your 14 year old brother joins in with your dad. Sometimes young people copy their parents to fit in, get something out of it, or because they don't realise that what they are doing is harmful. It doesn't excuse your brother joining in at all, but it does help to explain it a bit.

You are doing the best you can, but it's understandable that you feel you can't do this by yourself. I understand that you don't want to say anything in case you get sent away....but is there anyone that you trust that you can talk to about this? It sounds like you could do with support for yourself too, especially seeing as it's affecting your life in terms of being social and just wanting to hide from everything.

You aren't being annoying when you talk about these things to your friends, although it may be that they don't know how to help or what to say to you. That's no-one's fault though and definitely not yours. Remember we are our worst critics so it's entirely possible that the guy you want to be with wouldn't be better off without you, and your brothers certainly wouldn't be either.

Have you tried approaching counsellors? There might be one at school, or you can ask for a referral from your doctor, or you can try checking out free/low cost counselling in your area provided by organisations and charities. We also have some hotlines that you might want to check out too.

Hang in there
It is just, I promised them long ago that I'd protect them if they ever got hurt. I told them that I would take care of everything, and now that they are actually getting hurt, I can't keep my promise. They don't like talking to anyone because when they would try talking to my mom, she'd get them in trouble. And my other brother, I don't even know his deal. I don't care what his excuses are because he knows what he is doing. He is probably trying to get something out of this. I know that is what he is doing. He is so good at manipulating people, my parents even agree. They say he could be a lawyer because no one knows that he manipulates things. However I do know, and it sucks because people will believe him before me.
And the guy... yeah, I've came to realize that he doesn't want to get attached to me since everything has happened. He doesn't want to get involved, and I understand. I actually saw him earlier and got a small kiss. Enough to make me feel kind of better, but he tried to get away from me as soon as he could without seeming mean. I noticed it though, and although it hurts, I just have to deal with it. I mean, no one wants to be threatened and harassed and possibly injured just because I talk to them.
My parents don't even talk about me going to a counselor anymore. They try to take me out and have been making me visit family, and it doesn't help at all. I do have the school counselor, but she has been busy due to the end-of-course exams, so I don't wanna bother her. I haven't seen anyone. I only have my friends to talk to, but I'm slowly distancing myself. I can feel it. I don't want to talk about my problems anymore, and plus my mom has cut off all contact outside of school with my closest friends, so I can only talk to them in and going to class.

I'm doing okay right now. I just feel like I have no one to turn to anymore.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: I'm ready to give up - April 11th 2018, 03:20 PM

I bet your younger brothers think the world of you. You might not be able to actually stop them getting hurt, but you are there to listen to their concerns. You sound like a very loving, caring and protective sister

Is it possible for you all to try to avoid dealing with your brother? Manipulative people can be difficult to deal with, especially if they twist things or you worry that people would believe him over you. But that doesn't mean that you should put up with his behaviour either.

What do you mean that no one wants to be threatened, harassed and possibly injured because you talk to them? If it's your brother you are referring to there, then the issue isn't that the guy doesn't want to get involved since everything but more how your brother seems to be influencing things. This guy seems to like you quite a bit, enough to give you a small kiss. Have you tried talking to him about how you are concerned that if he gets involved with you, he might get hurt? If he doesn't know what's going on, then he may be unaware of your worries.

Would it help to bring up counselling again with your parents? If not, you might want to consider talking to the school counsellor. She may be busy with those taking exams, but I'm sure she'll be able to find some time to listen to you. Your concerns matter, especially when things are getting in the way of your life and getting you down. You deserve help

It's understandable that you don't want to talk about your problems anymore. It can be draining going over things all the time. But becoming withdrawn and isolated may only make you feel worse too. How come your mom has cut off all contact outside of school? Do your friends know this? It must be hard only being able to talk to them in and going to class....if you can't explain things to them, then you might want to do it the old fashioned way and write a note/letter explaining that your mom has cut off contact. You don't have to tell them everything else if you don't feel like it, but it's still good to keep in touch with friends and have conversations/do things that take your mind off what's going on.

Glad to hear you are doing okay. Totally understandable that you'd feel like you have no-one to turn to anymore. But we are here for you, if it helps


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Dust and Ash

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Re: I'm ready to give up - April 11th 2018, 03:39 PM

Thanks. And actually, I'm referring to my parents. They have threatened people and I've read their texts between one another (it was an accident I swear) and they were talking about harassing the people in school that they don't like me hanging around, like the guy. He knows the situation, and my worries. My parents keep saying that if they see him ever, they'd probably end up going to jail. And with my friends too. My parents have told me that they are bad influences and don't care about me, when really they are the only ones I have known to care. I'm slowly losing friends because of me having no contact. I don't know why my parents are cutting me off from everything. My friends know of everything, and most of them don't care what my mom says and keep saying that they won't ever leave my side. But there are others that are slowly drifting away from me because of how my mom is. She acts all lovey dovey in front of friends and family members, but with just our family alone, she can be unpredictable.

My brother just keeps to himself. He doesn't talk unless he wants something, and he usually gets it. I can avoid him, and that is what I have been doing.

And I don't know how to really talk to my parents about counseling again. I've never been good at communicating with them (which they tell me is no reason to not talk to them), and I am often terrified of what they might say. I'm scared that they will blow me off like many other times.

Thanks. Kind of reassuring to hear that people are here for me.

I'm worried about the summer though. The only way I can even access internet is through my school laptop, but I turn it in at the end of the school year. I won't be able to talk to anyone about anything that has/could happen.


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