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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Taylah Offline
Average Joe
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Name: Taylah
Age: 22
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Join Date: April 30th 2013

Unhappy Idk - April 18th 2018, 12:53 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm always thinking about suicide. I have plans. I want to do it. But I don't. And I'm sick of the thoughts. Therapy didn't help it.
I get self game urges still after being nearly 5 years clean. And I get so close to doing it. Like against my skin close.
I just want to do it.
No one would REALLY care.

If you ever need to PM/VM me you can if you want
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Online
Beauty and Bedlam
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Eli Quinn
Age: 30
Gender: Nonbinary

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Re: Idk - April 19th 2018, 10:47 PM

I think the "no one would really care" thing is a common myth. In my personal experience (I can't speak for everyone else), I would tell myself no one would really care or they'd be "sad" but their lives wouldn't really be affected as both a way of minimizing my own existence and absolving myself of guilt. We are about people, like it or not. If I tell myself they don't really care, I don't have to deal with the burden of knowing my actions would harm the people I love. I think it's really important to point that out. People really DO care, even people you might not think care, like the users on this site (myself included). Many of us have had the struggles you're having and we can empathize. That automatically creates an emotional connection that includes "care." Heck, I once read a post by a nurse about how all medical personnel feel when they see someone die from suicide, or a body come in from a suicide. It was heartbreaking to read, and I can't imagine how that compares to how heartbroken they feel seeing people with so much life to live, dead, because of the demons in their head. Your life touches others', in big ways and small. To erase yourself from this earth would, in fact, cause a ripple effect.

I think it's important to note that SOMETHING is stopping you from engaging in dangerous behaviors, and that's a good thing. Somewhere in you you still have the will to live, have the desire not to go back on five years self-harm free (which is a huge accomplishment, by the way). You can work with that. Something is telling you to stay and it's important to listen to that voice. If you pay attention to when these urges come maybe you could note what thoughts stop you from engaging in them. Sometimes it's hard to pay attention to thoughts but by being mindful about what you're thinking and feeling (practicing mindfulness skills) you can catch them, even write them down. Then you can look at patterns that lead to behaviors and learn where to divert from negative patterns and where to encourage positive ones.

Lastly, I know you said therapy doesn't help, but is there anyone you can talk to? A friend or a partner, perhaps; maybe even your parents? Sometimes sharing these thoughts, feelings, and urges can really take some of the pressure off of them. It helps to know you're not alone, and I hope at the very least you continue to post here. We're a supportive community and we're here for you, no matter what you're going through. Just know: someone always cares.

Please feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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