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I'm so unloveable - April 26th 2018, 07:06 AM

I don't really know if it's unlovable or unloveable and I don't really care either, it doesn't matter. I don't care about anything. I'm almost 18, I never thought I'd make it to 18 and maybe I'll actually be right. I am so in love with a girl and I've loved her since last year in high school. She knows it and she says she likes me back but I don't even know if she does or if she's lying. It's really hard because she's in the military now. And whatever, maybe I'm a bitch but I've already accused her of lying to me because she didn't talk to me for a month and a half. Like no texts or anything. I just didn't understand because if you love me, why couldn't you just let me know you're okay or something? I already feel bad enough for saying what I did, that she didn't really like me and I've already cut myself over it so if you're going to be rude than don't even bother. I've already apologized so many times but I truly think she didn't like me.

Anyway, we still talked after that and she still seemed like she was in love with me too and we tried having a long distance relationship. I guess we're still in one, I don't even know anymore. I don't know how she feels about me anymore. She won't talk to me. I've texted her a couple of times since Easter and she hasn't talked to me. So it's been almost a month and I can't stand it. I'm so scared because I love her and she makes me happy but I feel like she doesn't love me back anymore. I think she might've used to love me but I'm scared that she's just moved on. I just want her to say anything. And apparently she's posted on her Snapchat I don't know when (I don't have social media but I found out from someone else). If you can post on your Snapchat, why can't you just text me? I said I was sorry if I said something wrong last time and she didn't reply to that. What else can I even say? I'm so scared that she falling for someone else or something or she just doesn't think it's working out. And I don't want to be clingy, I don't want to apologize all the time or say she doesn't love me or whatever but I'm not confident. And I'm scared she will break up with me because I'm too clingy and not confident enough because she doesn't want to hurt me. But I don't want her to worry about hurting me. Don't worry about me, I just want her to be happy and I don't want to hurt her. If I hurt her, I want to apologize, okay? And I'm not trying to be emotionally abusive. Maybe that's how it seems I don't even know what anymore. And I hate myself so much for the things I say but my mind always goes to the worst possible scenario and it's hard to believe anyone even loves me. I feel like she's just lying because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and I'm scared of being a burden that's why I told her she was lying, I wanted her to find someone who made her happy instead of being with me.

I love her so much and if she doesn't want to be with me, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have anyone else to live for. I don't have anything either. There's no one else that makes me happy and I want to hurt myself because I'm just so lonely, it's been almost a month
and I don't know how she's feeling or why she's suddenly not talking to me. I just feel so ugly and I just hate myself. I felt like that before but when she said she liked me back, I felt like maybe I could be loved. I gave her absolutely everything I could and now I feel like it wasn't good enough. And if that's all I could give and it wasn't good enough then I really can't be loved, can I? I did not cut because I've been clean for like three months or something, I don't know. I guess I stabbed myself with a pen to try and get rid of the urge to cut, I didn't mean to do it so hard because I didn't want to break the skin but it happened anyway.

In the past, a few people have said I'm manipulative and I don't want to be. I don't think I am, I think I just have no self-esteem and it can seem like I'm manipulative. I would never want to hurt her but somehow it always feels like I have, even if people tell me I haven't I just think they're lying. But if it turns out I have been manipulative somehow, I feel like I should just die anyway because I don't want to live with that. I couldn't stand knowing that I'd treated her badly. I don't know what I'll do if she just leaves. Maybe she'll never even speak to me again. Maybe this is it. And if it is, I don't know what I'll do. Honestly, at this point, if she leaves I'm really considering getting pregnant. Like just going out and having sex. Well, I don't even need sex. Just semen. I'm a lesbian but I don't care, I'll have sex with a guy if it means I'll have a baby. I just want someone who loves me and I need someone to care for. I'm so lonely and if I just had someone to keep me alive and give me any kind of purpose, that'd be enough. My girlfriend was the only one I lived for and all I wanted to do in life was to make her happy, that was the only reason I stayed alive I just wanted her to be happy. Even if she wants to stay with me after everything I said, I feel like it wouldn't matter. How can a relationship survive if we can go a month without communicating? How can we even keep it alive?

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't give a fuck if you think I'm an idiot, I've already been called that for talking about some of this stuff online and I don't need anymore people to insult me. If no one loves me, why should I love myself? There must be something wrong with me. I don't know, I just want to die. I can't stand living anymore. Nothing else makes me happy.
   
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