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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Unhappy Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 27th 2009, 07:32 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ever since my cousin died, I've been seriously out of it. My cousin was the same age as me - just a couple of weeks younger. I had to face death, that I could die at any moment, but worst of all - feeling like the black sheep. I didn't feel like I fit in at all. At the moment I thought that was just due what happened and ignored it.

Months later, the primordial wound opened. My deep buried depression about being adopted. It kept getting worse and more confusing as the days went on - now it's unbearable.

It's all I can think about. I can feel myself growing apart from my adoptive parents. I'm getting somewhat bi-polar, switching between thrilled & wanting to search to feeling like I'm nothing but human waste. Signs of chronic depression, as has been pointed out to me online are also surfacing. I can't be let alone in any sort of solitary because I fear where my mind will go.

I've been drinking more and more often. Just to attain the feeling of not feeling. I want to not feel anything. It's too primal and confusing. I feel like a wolf without it's pack. I can't control myself.

Last night was really bad, it was a severe mix of rage and depression. When one would end, the other took it's place and so on. I even cried. I didn't want my parents to notice it, but another part of me did. My Dad asked me to take him somewhere in the car, he had to pick a car up, but in the state I was in - I refused and even showed signs of anger and aggression. I didn't want him to see me this way. My Mom ended her phone call short and told me how selfish I was being. I was breaking down right in front of them, and that's the response I got...

Today I was also having a semi-break down earlier, once again wanting her to notice - to see, I'm crying out here - and nothing. The sickening thing was, I overhead her on the phone telling someone how strong I am and how she never has to worry about me. If only she knew - she just can't see it.

I'm too afraid to out right tell them, because I know whenever I bring up adoption she looks at me differently - like I'm truly not even remotely her son. That hurts a lot. I can't deal with that on top of everything else, but everything else stems from that.

I don't know. I just, I'm all alone on this. I feel like I'm heading towards the worst break down and depression I've ever had and I can't tell my parents about it out of fear and even trying to hide the warning signs, how can they not see it? I'm starting to get scared...
   
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 27th 2009, 07:50 PM

Hi Josh,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through a tough time It definitely sounds like you've been going through a lot.

I kind of understand how you feel, wanting people to notice what's going on with you but at the same time hiding it from them when they might. My mom's made a "I'm glad I don't have to worry about you" comment, too.

But you deserve to be seen, heard, whatever. Because you're definitely not human waste - you're worth way more than that. Inherently, and your expressive writing skills definitely merit something

I know that actually talking to parents can be really intimidating. Sometimes, though, it can be helpful to write down what you want to say - that way, you get all of what you want to say about what's bothering you in terms of what's going on with you and what you're worried about with their reaction, and you don't have to worry about being interrupted or having to having their facial expressions mess with your vocal chords while you're trying to talk to them.

Though, sometimes parents can be really surprising and not react how we thought they would and be rather understanding. My mother tends to be hyper overprotective, and I remember I was afraid that saying something to her even remotely worrisome (and considering I was planning to ask her if I could see a counselor, on her scale that's like red flashing lights worrisome) would get me locked in my room Rapunzel-style. But while yeah, she was concerned, I'm not forever banished to my room and she took it pretty okay. Things could work out okay for you, too.

Well, they definitely will in some way.

And sometimes parents can just be really thoughtless about what they're doing. But that doesn't mean that they don't love you a freaking lot, adopted or no.

And anyway, we're always here to listen

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 28th 2009, 03:05 AM

Hey,
Hang in there, pal. I know things don't seem too good now, but trust me, things will get better. As for your parents, my advice to you, is to go and be direct with them. Tell them how you feel, and just spill it. I know it seems hard but you'll feel so much better once you've told them.
I promise.
   
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 28th 2009, 10:02 PM

jush dont do anything drastic if you really want your parents just like carefully stumble upon the topic like you see your mom looking kind of sad and be like hey mom you ok then she like well not really and you could say well you know my life aint that great either
and im sure your parents love you adopted or not if they didnt they probably would have traded you or treated you meanly and made sure you know your adpoted

have you tried talking to someone anyone a friend neighbor or something you sound like its reall affecting you since your 21 cant you see a counsler or something without your parents knowing
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 28th 2009, 10:44 PM

Somehow my Mom stumbled upon some of the things I wrote on a different site. She could tell it was me due to the number I always use. So rather than having to work up the courage to confront her, she came to me - I felt nauseous at first, but then finally free and like I'm safe again. Going forward, don't have to be scared anymore.
   
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 28th 2009, 10:54 PM

You definately don't, man.
   
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 28th 2009, 11:11 PM

good im happy for you
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Re: Scared, my parents don't even see it. - May 29th 2009, 01:57 AM

Glad we no longer need to feel scared anymore! Another thread that's solved, I'm glad to see so many people with positive outcomes to their problems. Everyone who is replying and helping should feel very proud, and all those solving their problems should too. I'm going to go ahead and close this since the problem no longer exists. If anyone has a problem, feel free to PM me about it. If the OP has another problem arise, please never hesitate to make a new thread! We're all here for you. One big happy family-type thing. :] Take care.


01 // 10 // 11

Baby stand tall. You can have it all.

Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
   
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