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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Noire Offline
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Urges making me want to die - June 12th 2018, 08:42 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Triggering: SH

I've struggled on and off with self-harm since I was fifteen years old. While I've gone up to two years without self-harm since then it's rare to go that long without it. In the past three years I seem to have a habit of going two or three months without self-harm and then going back to it. I truly want to go longer without self-harming, I want to be done for good, but I just can't seem to give it up.

I spent most of the last two years in an incredibly deep depression. It was really, really bad. Several suicide attempts and everything. I underwent a lot of therapy and things seemed to get a little better but they didn't really pick up until after I started school again in January. School was a little stressful but I thrived. I only self-harmed a couple of times during the semester. I ended up making all As. I was so proud of myself.

But towards the end of the semester I started having strong self-harm urges. They only got worse as the summer wore on and after I had surgery, rendering me virtually unable to leave the house. I started burning myself to cope, to try and relieve some of the intensity of the urges. It didn't help. I burned so badly I had to have surgery and be in the ICU for six days. I start IOP next week. From the outside it would seem like things are looking up, but they aren't.

While I was in the hospital the urges dissipated but now they are back full force. They make me feel so incredibly helpless and hopeless. I feel like my own mind is a monster and I don't know how to cope. As the urges get worse, the desire to end my life gets stronger. I've already started fantasizing about committing suicide again. I don't really have a method right now but if I get desperate enough I think I could manage to find one.

I'm scared. I don't really want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I want the urges to stop. I've had them for thirteen years and I am sick of fighting them. I've had lots of therapy, especially DBT, so I am very familiar with alternatives, and for a while those work, but I can't find the will to continue to fight and live the longer the urges drag on. I can't seem to make alternatives work longterm.

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Re: Urges making me want to die - June 12th 2018, 09:30 PM

Hi

It really sounds terrible to have such urges to want to self harm yourself. Maybe you can ask yourself, how do you feel after self harming yourself? Do you feel relief for a brief second? If so, maybe self harming yourself works as a sort of coping mechanism for stress. If not is it an addiction? Maybe you can relieve your addiction not by harming yourself but say imagining harming yourself but actually harming or destroying something else (say a stuffed animal) If you enjoy the pain maybe you can combine pain with something like say weightlifting that gives you intense muscle pains but doesn't risk your health. Maybe try lifting heavier weights instead of harming yourself. Next time you have an urge try to figure out what makes you want to want to hurt yourself. That way you can know if you want to feel pain or if you like the feeling of harming something (Stuffed animal).

I hope I was a bit helpful. If you need anything or have any question just send me PM
   
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Re: Urges making me want to die - June 14th 2018, 06:16 PM

Hello Jordan,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now and I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you hugs.

When you keep getting the feeling to self harm can you try getting you're mind off of this for a while if you can. Can you try getting out of the house and going for a walk or putting on music or calling a friend or family member or drawing or reading or putting on a funny TV show or movie to make you laugh some and this can help pick you up a little bit and take you're mind off of what you're going through. With the feeling of being depressed can you try talking to somebody or can you try and Google and find a therapist or a counselor. And see if you can meet with them and talk about what you're going through and let them know that you need some help. Or can you try talking with you're family or friends about this. I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of Hugs to help you.


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