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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lorelei Offline
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Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 03:51 AM

First off: I'm not suicidal, but this is about depression so it seemed like the right place to post. If it's in the wrong place, feel free to move it.

I'm your basic self-sabotaging loser. I stopped calling my friends. I stopped trying to be healthy. I stopped keeping up with school work. I'm just tired all the time. I can't fit into the mold everyone else fits into, and when I try I get exhausted. My grades are okay but I'm behind in credits and nowhere near where I want to be.

I was supposed to be the overachiever. I was supposed to learn French and take AP classes and be the most well-read student at my school. None of that's happening and it just dawned on me that I'm running out of time. I'll be 18 in 1 1/2 years and it's driving me crazy that I'm too tired to do all the things I want to do. I'm just too fucking tired.

I wanted to volunteer at the hospital and learn sign language so I could work with disabled kids. I wanted to have friends and go to dances and analyze fucking Shakespeare with the rest of the Honors English students.

But instead I just sit at home all day, watching TV and moping around because I'm too fucking scared to put myself out there.

I'm so breakable. I just want to be strong. I want to accomplish things. I want, I want, I want. But I don't go out there and get what I want. I don't have anyone I can really talk to. I don't trust anyone.

I just want to curl up in a ball and give up. How pathetic is it that I binge eat and feel exhausted all the time and can't stop obsessing over how disgusting I look? I realized a few months ago that I have a stupid, fat face and all of a sudden I can't trust anyone who ever told me I look pretty.

None of this even matters. If I was a good student or a committed volunteer, maybe it would be enough. Maybe my ugly fat face wouldn't bother me so much. Maybe my antisocial tendencies wouldn't matter as much. Maybe I wouldn't be as afraid. But I'm not a good student or a committed volunteer. I'm a loser and I feel very alone right now.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 04:10 AM

Don't you ever let what's on the outside dictate how you feel on the inside. I know how you feel. It'll be okay, and by the sound of it you have alot of potential. Might i ask what you are afraid of?
   
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 04:22 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by auron_16 View Post
Don't you ever let what's on the outside dictate how you feel on the inside. I know how you feel. It'll be okay, and by the sound of it you have alot of potential. Might i ask what you are afraid of?
Thanks for replying.
I have a diagnosed social phobia and I'm also really terrified of failure. I've heard "you only lose if you don't try," many times but I just feel like I shouldn't even bother trying if I'm just going to fail. That's why I haven't been doing my schoolwork. I'm a perfectionist, so it's really difficult for me to just get things done without obsessing over every minute detail. So I just exhaust myself at the very beginning and then stop trying when it gets too hard to be perfect.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 05:38 AM

Hey there,

sorry to hear you've been going through a tough time I understand the "why-am-I-not-doing-what-I-hoped-I-would" feeling. I just turned eighteen, and I remember each birthday after like thirteen thinking, "Oh dear, only [insert corresponding number here] years till I turn eighteen!"

But even if you haven't done completely everything you wanted to before eighteen, it's okay. The sky did not fall in. I've found that thankfully, there's always time for dreams

Would it help at all, starting back off with building your confidence through doing little things - for example, picking up a book you wanted to read instead of watching TV for one show one day, or scheduling one weekend to volunteer, or finding one afternoon where you could do something for yourself like walking around a park or something like that? Picking one small thing can help get things done surprisingly fast but help it not feel like you have to bear up with everything at once.

Hang in there


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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 05:38 AM

Failure is a natural part of life. You have to learn to pick up the pieces and learn from it, and only after you've mastered that, will you succeed. And how do you know you'll fail if you don't try? You said you're academically gifted, so you shouldn't have to worry too much about failure. As for the social problems, that is a personal decision. You don't need a whole lotta friends. I, for example, prefer having a group of very close friends, with a whole bunch of periphery friends, and that works for me. I have bad social skills, though.
   
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 09:22 PM

Thanks Dancer and Toz
I think I just really needed to rant and feel depressed for a day. Every once in a while that little self-loathing voice inside my head (not a schizo voice, it's just really negative self-talk) gets the best of me. It's something I'll have to work on but I'm getting better at it. I'm going to work on being more productive, too. Anyway, thanks again! It was nice to read something encouraging.

Mods, feel free to close this thread.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 28th 2009, 11:00 PM

well i think i have that little no schizo voice to cause i hear the same things but you really shouldnt give up
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Re: Unmotivated, screwed up, self-sabotaging - May 29th 2009, 01:53 AM

Keep going Laura and we're all here behind you for support and encouragement anytime.
Since everything is solved here, I'm going to follow the request and close this thread. Anyone else with encouraging advice should feel free to PM the user though. If something else arises, feel free to post a new thread. :] Take care.


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