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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Name: jess
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"no reason to be depressed" - June 28th 2018, 07:23 AM

i'm in this weird position where i know what the right answer to this is, but these comments are still getting to me somehow. my ex has this sick way of making me second-guess everything, and sometimes i wonder if things are actually real or if i just interpreted them wrong. that gaslighting was one of the biggest reasons i stayed with him for so long, because i didn't really know if he was the one being terrible to me, or if i was just interpreting the things he did that way.

anyway, in the days leading up to us breaking up i got a little tipsy and started texting him pretty much my deepest feelings. i tried telling him that it's hard to even want to try at life anymore, that i felt like i didn't have a reason to be around, nothing in life is going to satisfy this empty hole in me, and i'm just wasting time by sticking around. he got mad and asked me why i think i should even try to talk to him about my "depression" when i know it makes him mad. i told him that sometimes i just wish he would say something that made everything feel better instead of making it worse. and the hard part was that no matter how many times he made things worse, i kept this hope that one day he would say something gentle and encouraging. i really think all i wanted was to feel that someone actually cared about the fact that i was struggling so much.

for context, my ex has been homeless for several months now. a few months back i gave him more than half the money he needed to start renting a room. it was a huge blow to my financial circumstances, but it made me happy that he wasn't homeless anymore (it also made me happy that he wasn't bitching at me for "never helping him, never giving him money" all the time.) for some reason every situation he gets in just gets even worse. we had a deal that if i gave him the money, he would get a real, full-time job (he does Uber Eats instead of getting a real job). of course he didn't, and he didn't even try to save his money for the next month's rent. so he got kicked out again.
but like i said, everything gets worse around him, because he got into a car accident and doesn't have insurance, spontaneously got a new car (that he will definitely not be able to pay for), and has multiple citations that he has to pay. needless to say, he has a lot of stress. while he could handle things better (such as taking advantage of my many efforts to give him homeless shelter resources, saying that he should talk to his family members and maybe they'll help him out, saying he should be buying the cheapest food possible instead of buying big meals and coffee every single day, etc.) he's doing things his own stupid, stubborn way i guess.

i have a much better material life compared to him, obviously. i have a roof over my head, a job, i'm going to school, and i have a "great" family (his words, not mine.) he thinks that because of those things, i'm not allowed to have problems. and if i do have problems, i can't talk to him about it. (yes, even when he was my boyfriend.)
but to me my problems outweigh any good in life. in fact, most of those "good" things are just making my problems worse. i absolutely hate my job. i am not recognized at all for all of the work i do, but people who do less work, who got hired after i did, and who aren't as good at doing the work i do are getting selected for promotions and higher paying positions. it just doesn't make any sense at all and it makes me feel like shit about myself. (i should say that i don't even expect to get recognition in a shitty minimum wage retail job. but the thing is that other people are getting recognition and they really don't deserve it. in cashiering we have our productivity stats posted on the wall, and i am constantly in the top five, with over 100% productivity. the girl who was hired a few months after i was and who is being considered for a full-time cashier position usually has around 80% productivity.)

i hate school because i feel so lost there. i'm about to be in my second year of college and i still have no idea what i want to do for my career. everything i like doing seems stupid as a career choice and i'm just so stressed out about never being successful. i feel like i'm just wasting my time and there's really no reason to be in school if none of these majors are going to make me happy in life. that's my big fear, is that no matter what major or career i choose, none of them will make me happy in life or give me a sense of purpose. i already know i'm average, and i'm not useful for anything, but school really just shines a spotlight on that and makes everything so much worse.

another aspect of school that is starting to really worry me is my behavioral issues. i was homeschooled until high school, and i could never pay attention in either setting. i've always gotten high grades, but i honestly don't remember learning anything specific in any of my classes throughout the years. i just did the work and i passed. of course i learned some things, but just focusing on lectures and really having things "stick" to my brain seemed impossible.
i've had really bad issues with disrespecting teachers. the majority of my teachers have been amazing and i respected and got along with. but there are quite a few that stick out and i was relentless to those teachers. i mean talking back, making fun of them, rolling my eyes at them, making rude jokes about the class and how easy the material is, and overall just acting really agitated with the whole thing. because i was agitated. now don't get me wrong, this happened with teachers who deserved it. mostly the teachers who would force me to talk in class or make a big scene about it when i didn't talk. during a seminar, a teacher said speaking was optional but you would miss out on points if you didn't talk. so obviously i just accepted the fact that i wouldn't get points that day and didn't say a word. up until the very end of the seminar, where the teacher literally said, "okay jessica you're the only one who hasn't spoken, what do you have to say?" what the fuck happened to speaking being optional? like i don't already hate being the center of attention, duh, now the teacher just made everything worse.
unfortunately teachers still do that to me in college. but when i get into that agitated behavior, i cannot control myself. i'll just say and do the rudest things because i'm so angry. of course deep down it comes from insecurity and being too shy to talk in class. but afterwards i feel very shameful about it and it's hard to face the teacher again because i know it hurts them.

and my family is a whole other thing. i just feel so distant from all of them. i know my parents have given up on me, which is stupid because i could be so much worse. i'm not christian like them, i have sex, i smoke weed, i drink alcohol, and i'm basically satan. but that's it. i'm working and i'm in college, i don't know what more i could be doing at my age to make them proud.
i want to talk to my mom about everything but there just so much i can't tell her. even as a kid, it shocked me to realize that other kids actually told their parents when they had crushes. i never did that because my parents banned dating until college and teased me if they thought i had a crush on someone. because of that, i never talked to my parents about any issues pertaining to my relationships during high school, (that they honestly probably could've helped me with a lot) and of course it stayed that way after high school.
now i feel like i'm always such a disappointment to them. there is absolutely no trust between us. i just wish i could tell them how sorry i am for not living up to their standards.

so there's all these things contributing to my mental health. but honestly i don't think any of them are the sole cause of my depression. i think it's just this deeper level of feeling absolutely meaningless, not only in my life, but in the grand scheme of things. the world as a whole feels completely meaningless. there's just no point to anything. i don't really do anything for fun anymore. everything i do is just kind of bland. nothing excites me anymore or makes me happy to be alive.
unless it does. see, there's this weird thing where i'll get really happy and energetic and excited for life. but it's very brief. in anywhere from minutes to an hour i'll inevitably feel like i want to kill myself and that i'm drowning in the world and all this pain. i'll cry so hard that it hurts my face and i can't breathe because the sobbing is so strong. i can go back and forth a number of times throughout the day. but usually i'm just in that depressed phase.

my ex says that i'm just making up problems to be upset about because i just want to be depressed. not sure how the fuck he came to that conclusion, but i don't want to live like this. i will say, however, that i feel like this is the only way i know how to live. i think i first had depression when i was 12, and i've had it for most of the time in between then and now. like seriously, there are only three or four brief moments in time where i can look back and say that i was genuinely happy. but then something big would happen. i was raped, my new boyfriend choked me out, my best friend moved away, the guy i was in love with changed his mind about loving me too, i was cheated on, i was used to cheat on someone else. i've been blamed for things that i didn't do and have been manipulated and used by many people. worst of all is that i have absolutely no one. i don't fit in with anyone. i can't talk in social situations without having whatever i say echo in my head for minutes after i say it, obsessing over whether it was stupid or if other people think i'm stupid for saying that. i believe that everyone hates me. i tried making contact with my old best friend from high school (her parents hated me and said we couldn't talk until after high school). i invited her to hang out, gave her an address and everything, and she didn't even save the message with the address (it was on snapchat). i want that one person who i belong with. that will be enough of a reason to live.

i want to believe that what i'm going through isn't fake. i really want to believe that i'm not making this up for attention or to torture myself. i don't feel like the things i'm experiencing are fake or made up. but what my ex says makes sense. i have nothing to complain about, do i?


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: "no reason to be depressed" - July 2nd 2018, 04:35 PM

It makes sense that you would want to be heard and validated by your ex, and I'm sorry that you got anything but that. It's natural that when you feel depressed and want someone to understand, to start doubting your experiences of depression, when they don't understand. It can start causing us to think that maybe we are overreacting or something, when the problem lies with the person who can't/won't meet your needs.

While your ex has been homeless and seems to have issues managing money, it doesn't disqualify your experiences, despite having more material-wise. And when we are depressed, things that might seem 'positive' to others e.g. job, school, family can become a mixture of more stressful and us being too depressed to see any positive aspects.

Anytime you feel your hard work goes unnoticed is bound to make you feel worse, especially if others are getting noticed when they aren't reaching the same standard as you. As for not knowing what career you want, that in itself is stressful. But that's not to say that you're 'average' or that whatever you do will be pointless/not give you satisfaction/not make you successful. That's most likely the depression talking.

Your behaviour in school makes sense. You don't want to talk, so when the teachers as you to, as a defence, you lash out at them in someway instead. I've not done that but I've always hated talking in class and would get really anxious and try to avoid looking at the teacher, not answering the question properly just so the teacher can move on to asking someone else instead. Really, all we are doing is just avoiding participating in the class discussion. Unfortunately, it doesn't help us. And it makes sense that you wouldn't want to go back to class knowing that you may have upset the teacher. I'm wondering it it would be possible to let your teachers know that you don't like speaking in class and that's why you act out and perhaps to apologise? It might help to ease the tension a bit when teachers understand why you are acting out and perhaps find other ways of engaging with you.

I understand that it can be hard talking to family members when they have been strict and you feel that overall there is a lack of connection, communication and trust. But maybe your family hasn't given up on? While I can see the conflict between their lifestyle and yours, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is no trust or that you are a disappointment. If you wanted, you could tell your parents that you feel this way, even if you don't go into details.

Unfortunately, some people may look at our lives and think that there is no reason for us to be depressed and we are just attention seeking. But that's not true at all. Being depressed for such a long time can sometimes make it feel like it's all we know. And worse when you've been through trauma. While it may feel that way, it doesn't mean that things will never improve for you.

What you are going through isn't fake at all. And I doubt you are making this up for attention (and even if you were, you'd still deserve help!) We all have problems but its useless comparing. Depression can affect us at anytime no matter how happy or well off we have been. Depression doesn't need an external cause either. Sometimes it just happens. What matters is that you get the help and support you deserve


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