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MMantlo Offline
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Name: Maddyson
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Unhappy How Bad It's Got - July 11th 2018, 05:21 PM

I feel my Depression and Anxiety had got so bad that i feel like i'm not worth it that nobody likes me for many reasons like i'm fat,useless,horrible i worry so much about my weight that i don't eat at school at all and when i do eat it's at home at dinner but i hardly eat any but if i do eat then i eat o much so i worry more,telling myself i'm fat so then i either cut to punish my self OR throw up later on that night when everyone is asleep.
It's as if my whole life is just a cycle i basically cut my self almost everyday and i can't do it on my arms anymore since everyone think I've been clean for a week or so so instead i do it on my hip or thighs but the thing is i'm going on holiday with my Nan and family (my Nan's my world)and i don't want her to be disappointed so i'll have to wear shorts when we go swimming which i used to do since i don't feel that comfortable with showing my legs or anything since i dislike my body so much.
I'm just so tired of this;Not telling the truth,cutting,punishing my self,all these voices telling me to cut that i'm a cutter i'm just so tired of this one time i had actually had a load of pills next tome one night,i had a really bad break down and kept on thinking 'What's the point?' 'I might as well do this' i felt so bad,i really thought this is the end,but still i didn't tell anyone and put a smile on for the next day.Now a load of my friendship group now know because of this one girl including my boyfriend who i was planning to tell him the next day and then slowly work my way to telling my friends (the not really REALLY close ones but still they're close) but Nope.
I just don't know anymore it's just got so BAD,i feel like i can't do it anymore...
   
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FMcGill Offline
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Re: How Bad It's Got - July 12th 2018, 07:06 AM

Hi,
I just joined this forum today, and I came across your post. I am not a therapist or anything, but I was hoping I could offer some advice.

I went through a tough time in my life too, where I felt the worst I ever had. There was a little self-harm involved, but more along the lines of suicidal thoughts. It was really hard for me, and the only thing that made things somewhat bearable was the Bible. For me, it was my saving grace. I had the same feelings of thinking I was worthless, because I'd just gotten dumped by a boy who made it apparent to make me feel that way every day. I wasn't too convinced that God loved me, or that He cared about me, if He left me to feel so awful and alone for so long.

However, like you, I was wrong. I wasn't worthless, and neither are you. We all go through low times, and some of us go through lower times than others and for longer periods than others. But those moments don't define you. I don't know you personally, but I promise you people care about you. Your friends, your family, and your boyfriend. And even if I am somehow wrong about all of that, God cares about you. We can't see Him nor physically feel Him, but He's there. I like to think He has made us all beautifully in His image, and that includes you.

I know personally that depression is not easy to deal with, and it's hard to tell the people closest with us. But the people who really care about you, will want to help you. I didn't feel like that, so I tried to hide my feelings from my friends who were actually worried about me so long but to afraid to ask me if something was wrong. Just know, there are so many people in this world out there who can help and give you advice. I think the foundation for depression is that it convinces us we are alone, but we aren't. Everybody goes through this, and it doesn't make you any different to have these feelings. But, the feelings aren't true. You're a bright and beautiful individual, and we feed off the things we tell ourselves.

Therefore, it's important to tell yourself the truth of who you are, a soul with a purpose made in the image of your Creator, who loves you dearly.
   
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