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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Bree
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Question Ugh!!!! - September 3rd 2018, 12:19 AM

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I have had this teen help account for a very long time now. Iím not even a teen anymore, Iím 20. I would have thought that this many years later Iíd be fine. But it always Fíin comes back around. I am on a constant cycle of up and down. I have been told I am not bipolar and I do not have cyclothymia, so why the F do I go up and down from happy and sad. Why do I have a couple great weeks and then I get in a fight with my boyfriend I feel like killing myself, or cutting or starving. I have not done any of those actions for YEARS!! Yet I have those thoughts. Yet I canít Fing handle life. I feel like no matter how HARD I try, not matter how much self awareness I have, no matter how many years pass, or how many goals Iíve achieved, I come back to this mental state. I come back to feelings of being lazy, gross, stupid, worthless, fat, ugly etc. it never changes. Itís gotten less and less intense, and definitely gotten less scary. I have made SOME progress as I have hurt myself in ears. But the mental cycle behind it continues on. And no therapist has helped yet. I love my boyfriend now, he is amazing. Yet I always feel like I am letting him down, like Iím too lazy and I F up. Like our fights never get better, no matter how much psychology I use to try to change myself for the better. I donít know what to do.

If it is meant to be, it will be.
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Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
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Re: Ugh!!!! - September 19th 2018, 07:20 PM

Sorry you haven't had a reply yet!

Even though you aren't a teen anymore, you are more than welcome to continue using TeenHelp. We are all susceptible to mental illness regardless of age and it's very common to have times in life where we are coping well and others where we aren't. This can sometimes make us feel like we have bipolar (although if you are seriously concerned about having bipolar, you might want to get a second opinion from another professional).

It's really good that you haven't tried to kill, cut or starve yourself, but it's understandable that when your emotions are running high, you might still have those thoughts. They were a coping mechanism for you, even though they were unhealthy. I'm wondering what other coping techniques you use instead? It's okay to have these thoughts as they are just thoughts, but it's good to remember you don't have to act on them, and instead find distractions or other things that help.

You have worked so hard to get to this point, I can understand how frustrating it is to have a setback. But you will never go back to how you used to be as you've come so far since then. When you have these negative feelings of yourself, try to be gentle on yourself instead. Things might not have gone to plan, but that doesn't mean you are lazy, gross etc. You don't need negative thoughts so perhaps when you are thinking these things, you try to catch yourself and remind yourself that these thoughts aren't helping you so you don't need them.

You have made a lot of progress with self-awareness and it shows in that you keep trying to improve things. But it also sounds like the fights you have with your boyfriend cause a lot of distress to you....to the point of feeling like you are letting him down (which isn't true!) It's okay, and even healthy to have disagreements with partners, but it shouldn't end up in a 'fight'. Is there a way to disengage or de-escalate a fight? For example, if you notice either yourself of your boyfriend getting louder and more angry, perhaps say that you'll talk when you've both calmed down? Or perhaps text each other what you want to say instead so that both of your feelings get heard but without it resorting in a fight? I'm also wondering if you and your boyfriend might consider couples counselling? It might help to ease the fights a bit as you'll learn how to talk to each other without fighting. Remember it takes both people to work things out!

HelpLINK and Live Help Officer
Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3

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