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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MorbidDaisies Offline
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Name: Delwen
Age: 25
Gender: Female

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Unhappy September 24th 2018, 03:48 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi, you may have noticed that I haven't posted for a long while or been doing my duties as a community mentor. I apologise for that. I have been and still is in a dark shitty place. Recently I tried to end my life but I called a random person to take me to the hospital, they let me go after 72 hours.

It's super hard. There is so many times where I just want to tell my family that I'm not doing okay or I just want out. There is a big issue though. You see, I adore my family. My sister is my best friend BUT my family are anti mental illnesses. They simply do not believe that mental illnesses are real. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, super horrible anxiety and PTSD but I'm not medicated because I'm fearful that my family will find out and they are harsh about it. My cousin he is 29 years old, he fought in the army and got anxiety and PTSD from it. When he returned home, instead of family welcoming him home with open arms, he was kicked out and wiped from the family. We aren't allowed to speak to him or speak about him. He simply doesn't exist anymore. My family are harsh, my parents are harsh too. I have been hiding my mental illnesses from them from 11 years now.

11 years is a long time, it's draining and it's agony. I just feel like I need to be normal sort of. To be medicated is what I mean, even though it will change me, make me a zombie in a sense. How do I be brave? How does one take themselves to a doctor and sit in a waiting room waiting to be called? How does one sit in the doctors room and say "Hey look I've been hiding my mental illnesses for so long that I feel like I'm losing grip of reality / or that instead of talking to a medical professional I talk to random as strangers online about my issues kinda like therapy but I get shitty advice back?"

How do I be brave? How do I gather up courage to ask for help? How can I feel happy again?

I just want to add that I recently chopped most of my hair off. I've covered up all of the mirrors in the house because everytime I see myself I just see a person that is not me. I feel so damn ugly and unattractive and disgusting. I'm having a super hard time and I just want to not exist anymore.

breathe. it's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Last edited by .Brittany.; September 26th 2018 at 12:11 AM. Reason: Merging posts
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.Brittany. Offline
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Re: How to be brave? - September 26th 2018, 12:21 AM

Hi Del,

I've missed talking to you a lot and I'm glad to see that you're reaching out for help. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, my mom didn't believe it was an accurate diagnosis. She didn't feel like I was feeling that bad, but I just kept most of it inside of me.

I feel a lot of parents don't really understand what teens/young adults are going through. I understand they had it rough growing up as well, but they didn't have social media, and TV adverts to make us believe we should act/be someone who we are not. With that being said, I completely understand why you're afraid to reach out.

Here in Canada, if you're over the age of 18, you're legally an adult and they can't discuss any medication information with your parents. I do recommend that you look into that option. I know a lot of people are against medication, but honestly, it's saved my life on many occasions.

Another option you have is to invest in a small essential oil diffuser. I use mine daily (I have it on right now). You can get a starter pack on Amazon for fairly cheap and I honestly love it. They don't cost a ton of money as long as you don't go for the popular names. Maybe you could try this and see if it helps?

I hope one of these options help you, ultimately, don't ever forget, we're here for you. You're definitely brave, reaching out for help, is a VERY brave thing to do.

As my best friend Winnie the Pooh would say:

You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Stay Strong. Keep Smiling
Brittany <3

(P.S, I'm sorry if some of this doesn't flow properly, I'm currently sick and my mind is a bit foggy)

“You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”

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