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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rivière Offline
Par la rivière
I can't get enough
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Name: Sarah
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It's not fair - September 24th 2018, 07:02 PM

Earlier today reluctantly opened up to someone I love. They're the first person I've been this open with about what's happened to me in quite some time... but after telling them that I had attempted suicide for the 7th time when I was 18, they went really quiet. I asked them if they were ok and they said they were concerned for me as they said they worry about how I will be when I leave.

They instantly went straight to the suicide and kept trying to make me promise them I won't ever do anything. I said to them that I can't promise anything because I don't know what the future will hold. I tried everything I could but for some reason they were fixated on the fact they seemed to think I could do something after we part ways when we graduate from university. It was as if they think I'm 100% going to commit suicide when I leave.

I haven't made an attempt in 9 years. I haven't even considered attempting after I finish university.

They told me something happened to them in the past where they were with a girl and they did all these crazy things like lie to her parents and that he'd even ended up getting her pregnant, and then she ended up committing suicide. It felt like me saying I've attempted suicide before triggered something in them and that because of what happened to that girl many years ago, they think I'm going to be exactly the same. It didn't matter what I said or how much I said I wouldn't, they kept using each thing I said as a reason no make me promise them I wouldn't do anything.

I feel like they're trying to make me promise not to do anything for their benefit rather than my own. Anyone who has attempted suicide will know that it does not matter how many loved ones you have around you, or how many promises you make, when you want to escape, you attempt to escape. Promising isn't going to change that. Yet, they think by me promising, they claim they are trying to 'save my life'.

It seems like this huge leap from me just telling them a timeline of events in my life, to me suddenly, and apparently going to attempt suicide once we have to part ways for good next July.

Of course it's going to be painful. It's going to be horrifying. I will miss them like mad and I will feel like my heart is going to be torn out... but it doesn't necessarily mean I will 'go over the edge' and attempt to off myself.

I can't know the future. I can't make a promise about the future like that, and even if I did, even if I did attempt, I will have broken a promise to them and they will just feel more upset for the fact I went back on my word and committed suicide anyway.

I don't think it's fair to try and force somebody to make a promise they do not know if they can keep. I can't know what state of mind I'll be in a year from now. Maybe I'll deal with it better than expected, but at the same time, maybe it'll be extremely hard and maybe I would consider it. But again, that's in the future, I can't know how I will be a year from now. It wouldn't be right to make that kind of promise.

After they left they sent me messages saying that it's not selfish for wanting to save somebody's life. I would be inclined to agree... except my life is not in danger and I don't need saving... After that they said that next time we meet we'll resume this conversation. I don't know what else I can say to them.

Am I wrote in the way that I think? Am I supposed to just give in and make promises I may not be able to keep?

I don't know what else I could possibly say to them that would stop trying to make me.

I really wished I hadn't bothered opening up to them. I just wanted to spend some time with them before they had to go and I felt like I ruined the moment and that now they know I have a lot of baggage they're going to go away like everybody else.

Life is for living, not for losing.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: It's not fair - September 26th 2018, 10:17 PM

Sorry to hear that when you opened up to someone you trust and love, it didn't go particularly well. A lot of the time, this happens when they don't have much understanding of depression, but it sounds like this person had a difficult time with someone else and is projecting their worries of the past situation onto you.

It's sad that what happened to the girl they were involved with and it sounds a bit traumatic for this person too. At the same time, it is unfair to not listen to you and instead to try to make you promise not to do anything. I do think that for this person, you making a promise would give them peace of mind. But it doesn't really help you since if you were suicidal in the future, you'd need more support and not just being reminded that you made a promise. And promises within mental health are usually tricky because it can be difficult to keep them....which often means feeling worse if you've broken a promise which in turn can lead to more negative thoughts and behaviours.

Of course, it's not selfish to want to help those struggling or save a life. But it seems like this person has jumped to conclusions for a mixture of reasons (what happened to the other girl in the past but also perhaps because they care for you too). I think you are justified in feeling this way, especially since your last attempt was 9 years ago and it's not even entered your mind...you just wanted to be open with them.

Do you want to resume the conversation with them? You don't have to if you don't want to. But if the conversation continues you can say that instead of promising, you can ask if you can contact them if you feel suicidal in the future or ask if there is anything they can think of that might help you in the future, other than promises.

You didn't ruin the moment. And it's not guaranteed that they'll leave you because of what you've been through. And even though it didn't go as planned and feel slight regret about opening up, I think it was brave of you to take that chance!

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Rivière Offline
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Re: It's not fair - September 28th 2018, 11:06 PM

Thank you for everything you've said, and I think you're quite right with much of it, too.

I do feel that they're projecting their worries onto me. They were with a girl and got them pregnant and when things didn't work out, she killed herself. I think he (I'm just going to say he because it's pretty obvious by now it's a guy for so many reasons) fears I'm going to be like this other girl. However she and I are nothing alike, for starters, the age difference, and then there's the fact that she was quite happy and proud that she was carrying his child, whereas I absolutely do not want to get pregnant nor have a child. Thirdly, I have a lot of experience with dealing with depression and suicide, I've also had a lot of various forms of mental health help for it too.

What you said about making a promise is quite similar to what I explained to him. However he believes making me promise will 'save my life'. Which to me only indicates he has never been in such a low position where suicide is the only escape from pain. No amount of promising is going to make a person stop trying to kill themselves if they're that intent on doing it. I also agree with you that I feel he's trying to make me promise for his peace of mind, and that he does care for me. He himself has said that he's doing it because he cares for me... but I don't think he realises how he's coming across.

I did try to discuss the issue with him on Tuesday, but he didn't seem interested and said that it 'wasn't urgent'. I said to him I think it's still important, and at first he agreed to discussing things with me though felt I 'wasn't going to change my mind' so didn't really see the point. Later o in the day when it drew closer to the end of our final lecture of the day however, he did a complete 180 and felt that he didn't want to talk at all. I asked him for an hour and he said, '30 minutes' because he has a lot of work to do... but it was clear he wasn't interested, and I didn't want to be hypocritical and force him to do something he clearly didn't want to do, like he was trying to do with me.

Whenever we meet up privately again, we may discuss it, or we may not... though at this rate I think it's probably best if it's left alone since it seems that while I see his point of view, he just won't see mine. It's clear that what happened in the past has caused him a lot of stress and he obviously feels heavily responsible for what happened to the other girl and doesn't want to make the same 'mistake' again, for lack of a better word.

Life is for living, not for losing.
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