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TH Anonymous Offline
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I... Just don't know - December 21st 2018, 09:30 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[SIZE="a"]I don't know what's wrong with me...
I don't even know where to start...

I have an unhealthy relationship with eating, my sibling physically hurts me, and it feels like just tied down. The ringing in my ears drives me crazy, one of my parents has cancer, my grades aren't good enough for me, and I hate myself.
To feel in control, I resort to video games and the internet. Sometimes I cut my upper arm, or when I'm angry, I bite my arms and hands and claw my skin.
I feel hungry but full at the same time, despite how much I eat. I want to exercise to lose the extra fat and gain proper muscles but I have no energy. I want to drive, but I'm terrified of losing control of the car.

I want to talk... But I have nearly no where to go. I don't want to come off as complaining....[/size]
   
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Re: I... Just don't know - December 21st 2018, 05:51 PM

You definitely don't sound like you are complaining. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and it's not complaining to reach out for help, and to be feeling upset by all of the external and internal turmoil you are going through. I hope you know that it's ok to be reacting really strongly and negatively to all of this stuff; it sounds really intense and you shouldn't have to just ride the storm with a genuine smile on your face and be filled with joy. It's ok to acknowledge that what you feel is valid and know that it's not complaining to be honest about what you are going through.

With that aside, I think there are a number of issues to handle. First of all, I would like to recommend that you contact family and children services. It is unacceptable for a sibling to be abusing you. If you have a parent with cancer, your parents might not have the capacity to control that child's behaviour and I think it is imperative that you take control and make sure that additional resources are provided to your family (e.g. access to support workers, respite care, and whatever therapeutic services you need for your mental health and whatever services your sibling needs to stop being abusive).

Also, I would encourage you to look for support groups for kids who have parents with cancer. You could probably call the hospital or clinic where your parent is receiving treatment and ask if they can recommend such a resource or look it up online. I know people who have gone to such programs (e.g. support groups because a parent/sibling has cancer, or a support group cause a parent is an alcoholic etc.) and such things tend to be super helpful.

I would also like to encourage you to seek out therapy for the self-harm and eating disorder, as well as a nutritionist for the eating disorder. If possible, you could also join a gym or community centre where you can focus on fitness but make sure you're mindful about what's an appropriate level of fitness.
   
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Re: I... Just don't know - December 21st 2018, 06:57 PM

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're dealing with right now. You're shouldering a lot of really heavy stuff. That's a lot to try to handle.

I second what the above poster said about reaching out to a therapist, nutritionist, etc. If cost/insurance is an issue (as it is for many people), your school almost certainly has a counselor you can speak to for free, and you can also look for therapists who take payment based on something called a "sliding scale." In other words, they may not charge you as much money if you're in a tough financial situation.

I also wonder if you might be struggling to find support from your family members. Often, when a family member is going through cancer, some other members of the family can feel ignored and unsupported because everyone is so preoccupied with taking care of the person who is sick. This can make you feel like you're less of a priority. However, you may also feel guilty for feeling this way! This kind of situation can bring up a lot of complicated feelings. It also sounds like you're probably feeling very unsafe because of the abuse from your sibling, and like your parents are probably not in a position right now to do much about it (although I think you should definitely still talk to them about it and see what they can do, because this should not be happening to you).

Are there other people in your life who you can reach out to? Friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, pastors, etc.? Working on building a support network outside of your family might be really helpful in getting through this. You shouldn't have to do this by yourself - you deserve to feel supported!

Hopefully this helps, and I truly hope your situation starts to improve soon. You're dealing with some really tough stuff, but you're still fighting, and that is a huge testament to your strength. Hang in there.
   
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Re: I... Just don't know - December 23rd 2018, 07:47 PM

Hi, you don't sound like you are complaining at you. You sound like you are more concerned for your own well being.

First, taking the steps to speak out about your issues is huge and I congratulate you on that accomplishment. Let's first tackle the sibling physically hurting you. This should be reported to an adult or someone in authority. This should not be happening and is giving you stress you do not need. Turning to video games and the internet is an OK outlet, but I would recommend further that you open up more and talk with a professional about this. As for the harming of yourself of course you know that this basically stems from your feeling depressed and anger not at yourself but of the things that are happening around you. Once you find outlets such as opening up and bringing your issues out, journaling, meditation, coloring, whatever it might be the destructive ways of handling things will become less and less. Good Luck and if you ever want to chat please message me.
   
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