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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rainbow Cookies Offline
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Name: Emma
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Location: The TARDIS

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Join Date: March 7th 2015

I知 back - January 2nd 2019, 05:39 AM

So it’s 2019.

The last time that I was here was 2016. I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school and everything felt terrible because I couldn’t see the end. Graduation was just so far away and I didn’t think I could ever make it. But I got better. Now it’s even worse. Before I had the hope of looking forward to my future and what was to come. I was convinced that the challange was to get older and go to college and get a job. The future was what I needed.

Now I can’t find a point. Im a senior and I’m not looking forward to anything. In the past no matter how terrible I’ve felt, I’ve always been able to say, only one more day, or one more week, or just wait for the weekend, or wait till you graduate and have a job and a life. The only thought I have now is I’m going to die eventually, what does it matter when? Why does anything matter. It won’t last. Everything is temporary.

I can’t find anything to look forward to. It’s not like I don’t have something that I want to do with my life. I’ve applied to colleges, have plans, know my career and like it. It’s just, it doesnt matter. I can’t get myself to actually be excited.

I can’t get myself going o want to do anything.

I dont want to kill myself, I just dont want to wake up tomorrow.

I want to go to sleep, but I know if I do I’ll have to wake up.

Living is just so much work for nothing in the end.

"The quickest path between two points may be a straight line but it is by no means the most interesting."-The Doctor

Me- Do you ever feel like you about to crash into a sign?
Friend- What?
Me- I mean mentally, emotionally and physically, because I do right now.
Friend- No
Me- It's a very specific feeling.

Last edited by Rainbow Cookies; January 2nd 2019 at 05:40 AM. Reason: Typo
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Amaranthus Offline
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Name: Kylie
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Re: I知 back - January 3rd 2019, 10:00 PM

Hey Emma,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. When did all of this start? I know you said you've felt depressed in the past, but when did you first start to notice it getting worse? I know that your senior year of high school can definitely be stressful - do you think that might be a contributing factor? Was there a specific event that triggered it?

Have you ever discussed this with anyone or been in therapy? If not, I would encourage you to reach out to a supportive person in your life, whether that's a teacher, a guidance counselor, or a therapist. This is a lot to manage on your own, and it sounds like it might be helpful to talk it over with someone and maybe get some help. You've already reached out to us here, which is a great first step!

I know that things seem very bleak right now, but please hold on and know that they can get better. What would be most helpful to you right now?

Take care!
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Hailey12 Offline
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Re: I知 back - January 4th 2019, 05:46 AM

Hi Emma. I'm so sorry to hear about everything that you're dealing with right now. It sounds like you're going through a lot, and as a result, it's understandable that you'd be feeling very hopeless about it ever getting better. That's a really difficult feeling to just sit with.

Talking about it here is a great start, and I encourage you to keep doing that! Have you told anyone else? Close friends can be a great support network, and I also encourage you to let an adult know what's going on. Parents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, etc. - whoever you might be open to trusting with this information - can be an amazing source of support, and many of them have probably been through this kind of situation before! They'll likely be able to relate to what you're going through. (Disclaimer: Keep in mind that if you choose to talk with someone who is a mandated reporter, they may end up needing to talk with your parents. But don't let that stop you, unless your parents finding out would put you in an unsafe situation!)

I also strongly encourage you to try seeing a therapist. Real-life therapy is nothing like what you see on TV, and it really often does make a huge difference! If cost or insurance is an issue, your school probably has a counselor or psychologist you can talk to. And if you ever find yourself seriously thinking about suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to someone on a hotline (or call 911). There are even options where you can text a hotline, if making the phone call sounds awkward, and you don't even have to talk to them in person!

It sounds like you have plans to go to college, which is awesome (truly), so I'd also like to emphasize that you are only about 7 or 8 months away from your entire life changing. College is pretty much the most life-altering experience I can imagine, and by September, absolutely nothing about your life is going to be the same! That can sound terrifying, but most of those changes are probably going to be really positive, and college is the perfect opportunity to start over with a blank slate. A lot of people are able to completely reinvent themselves and their lives and get a lot better. Just leaving home and having that autonomy and a totally fresh start often makes a monumental difference. University/college counseling centers also almost always offer therapy to students for free. I know that you're really struggling to believe it at the moment, but you DO have so many things to look forward to - you just don't know what they are yet! And they're coming so soon.

Please hang in there. I really relate to your story, so if you think it would help to talk more about anything, please don't hesitate to message me! I wish you all the best.
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