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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I'm losing everyone - June 15th 2019, 01:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

About a month and a half ago, my partner of five years dumped me. That was difficult. I still have a lot of anger, sadness, and resentment about it, which gets complicated because she and I are still very close. I actually left the house for about five days to try and get my head straight, and I did feel better when I came back to the house. But then my roommate left to go visit some friends for a week. She had also been dating my partner (for even longer than I had) and my partner dumped her, too, a couple of days before she left on her trip. Our "polcyule" was already breaking up, which was sad in and of itself, but then after my roommate gets back from her trip she tells our ex partner and me that she wants us out of the house. There's no timeline on when but it needs to happen.

My partner and I are shook. We had all planned to be together forever. This was our future; it's why we bought a house together. But it's not meant to be, and she and I are devastated. There's been much crying and avoiding the house on both our parts. I'm living in a hotel again, and my partner, S, is spending a lot of time with her girlfriend in a town a little ways away. It looked like it might be okay, though, because we were going to stay together. We were going to get an apartment together, stay family together.

But then today I had to go and ruin it by getting upset. We got in a huge argument and were both very upset. We were both quiet in the car on the way to dinner. When I asked her what she was thinking, she said she wanted us to be happy living together, but she didn't know if we would be happy living together.

I've lost everyone now. S was the only one who cared. When I asked my friends on Facebook if I could crash on someone's couch no one said a damn thing, either time I needed to leave the house. Hundreds of friends, and no one has a couch? It really hurt. Especially because some of those friends off the top of my head and couples in houses with no children. No one makes an effort to reach out to me, or asks me to hang out. I always have to do the asking. My whole world became about S and A. They were the only ones who cared. Now A, my roommate, doesn't care; she wants to kick me out and never see me again, and S thinks we have too much conflict to live together.

I feel dead. I can't eat, I can barely sleep. I have energy but inside I am dead. I have no motivation, no concentration. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow but I doubt she'll put me on an antidepressant. I don't want to live this life anymore. I've lost too many things, too many plans, too many people, and I'm sick of getting kicked where it hurts. I'm not actively suicidal but I probably wouldn't care if I died, and if things go the way they are going that passiveness might change to active thoughts. I've already been fantasizing about methods, I just can't do any of them. Because of all my self-harm I've got VERY limited access to anything that's lethal, unless I want to get really creative, and I don't feel particularly bothered enough to do that.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make my life better. I've been trying since January, when I first went to the psych hospital this year, but things have only gotten worse. I don't know what to do.


Love joins
Love unites
Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


"A Million," by VNV Nation
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Re: I'm losing everyone - June 25th 2019, 07:24 PM

Hi, Jordan,

I'm sorry it's taken so long for you to get a response. I know you've posted since this and were debating whether to go to residential or school. It sounds like you've been trying to think of ways that you can improve your life, which is something to be proud of!

I'm sorry that you've been going through such a hard time. I believe you have moved back in with your family since posting this, and it seems that is proving difficult. How are things now? Maybe it would be a good idea to go back to residential for a little bit just to get yourself stable again, and then you can go from there.

Even though I know that this is far easier said than done, try to remember that you have the power to turn things around. We can't always control other people, but we can control ourselves. What is something small that you can do today to help you move forward? Nothing is too small or too silly!

I have seen you around and can tell that you're a good person, Jordan. We all stumble and go through rough patches from time to time; it doesn't mean that we are bad or somehow worth less than others. I know you feel very alone right now, but try to remember that you can get through this! You can take steps, even small ones, to improve your situation. And if you feel unsafe, please don't hesitate to reach out and get help - we care about you!

I wish I could offer better advice. Hopefully this helps at least a tiny bit!

All the best,
Kylie
   
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Re: I'm losing everyone - June 25th 2019, 09:44 PM

Kylie, thank you for your response.

I'm living with my mom and her husband for the time being, but I have to go back home after I get back from seeing my grandmother on July 5th. At that time we have exactly one month to move out. Things are a little better between me and my roommate, and S and I are happy about the new apartment, but life still feels pretty rough. I am less suicidal though, so that's nice. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that in the next month urges to self-harm are going to increase again. I don't want to at this time but I can see being home alone as stressful enough to put me in that situation, and I live right by a store and a gas station, so buying tools is all too easy.

I think the small steps I'm taking right now to move forward are going to physical therapy biweekly and trying to find a therapist. After New York I also want to go back to IOP. I think it could be very helpful. I don't know what to do about residential- I honestly don't think we have the money at this point, what with moving expenses, but if we do I might consider it. I'm just really stubborn and want to try and make things work on my own, you know?

Thank you for saying I'm a good person. While I know that I am, it's hard to feel that way, especially because I blame myself for my family falling apart. I tell myself if I just hadn't had so many mental health episodes, so much self-harm, S would still be with me, and she and A could still be close, and we'd still have our family. But S says that's not accurate. She says you could remove anyone of us from the equation and make it seem like it was all that one person's fault. I don't see it, but I'm trying to trust her. I'm trying to remember I have some good in me.


Love joins
Love unites
Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


"A Million," by VNV Nation
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Re: I'm losing everyone - July 2nd 2019, 04:02 PM

Hi again, Jordan!

I'm very happy to hear that things are going a bit better. It makes sense that you would want to try some things on your own; choosing to go to residential can be a tough call. If you find yourself feeling unsafe, though, know that it's for the best.

I'm glad that you're trying to remember that you have good in you. It's always hard when we start second-guessing our actions and want to blame ourselves for something that has happened. We could all drive ourselves crazy with those 'what-ifs' scenarios... I know I certainly do! But in this case, I don't think there's any real way of knowing whether your relationship would have worked out if you hadn't had mental health issues. It might have, or it might not have. Try to stay in the moment and focus on what you can do to help yourself move forward. Easier said than done, I know!

Thanks so much for the update! It's always nice to get those.

All the best,
Kylie
   
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