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Proud90sKid Offline
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Haven't been here in a while but: I have been doing really bad - July 28th 2019, 05:36 PM

Hey- I haven't really posted in a long time. I am not sure how many of you remember me or not. But I have been doing really bad for a while. Everything feels like it is spiraling out of control. I have lost myself. In many ways, I have lost hope in life. For example: after a long time of heavy alcohol and drug use- I don't really feel as focused in my studies anymore or able to achieve the same level of ability that I used to in my grad program.

My body feels broken ( I basically cannot drink anymore because when I do I will get very ill for several days and this only started this year) , my life feels broken, my hope feels broken. When I started my grad program, it was like a re-birth- I had been at home for so long without direction after college. I had a passion for my field and actually read in my free time. Also actively tried to date, etc. Then I just basically lost focus and hope in life after a couple of years. It was a slow regression that then picked up speed. Next thing I know I haven't lifted weights in 2 years and I have no career, no significant other, no close friends I can go see right now in person, and I haven't been out of bed pretty much all weekend. I feel so bad right now that I don't even know if what I am feeling is anxiety or depression or maybe some physical ailment.

I feel like I have lost hope in everything. In college didnt really do therapy - at least not seriously. As I still had my youthful optimism, I felt like I could just "figure it out on my own and I still had time". When I was young - the world seemed optimistic even though I was actually struggling with mental illness back then-- felt that anything was possible in my life- maybe I'd be living in some beautiful tropical country someday, or what if I start a company and do something BIG. But therapy was at least something that was supposed to work. It was always there when I needed it. Well after college, I tried therapy and took it seriously with several therapists. It didn't help. Mostly because my issues mainly stem from having Asperger's (which -when I was 20 years old - was also something that I felt that I could just "overcome" by somehow rewiring my brain by changing my thinking). Asperger's doesn't respond well to therapy and now I feel like I will always feel upset having my social and emotional needs unmet.

It feels like I get more and more hopeless each year. Every time I try a new thing that I think will help- it doesn't or it does help at first then fucks my life over (like drugs and drinking).

But now I am in the mindset that nothing gets me excited anymore. Happy things dont make me happy. When I learn I passed an important exam or really anything- I feel nothing. Sometimes I continue to feel like shit even after the cause of my anxiety or feeling bad has gone away.

My parents were happily married at my age,living in a house, and already had my brother. I could possibly fail out of my grad program and not have any direction after that.


All of my dreams are dead- and it seems like all "normal activities" are boring for me. I feel no volition or anything to do things like go to the beach or amusement park anymore. I really have no interest in anything. I don't even try to talk to girls anymore- even if they seem interested I really don't even want to pursue it. I feel like I will fail because I have struck out with dating every time in the past. I won't make that 6 or 7 figure salary that I dreamed about- won't "outgrow" my social problems, and won't be someone great who discovers something new. I feel like a nobody who can't even socialize normal. Nobody will ever want to date me or hire me. I think I will end up dying alone with no family someday. It hurts so much when you feel like hardly anyone cares at all about you. It makes you feel disconnected- and then when I fuck everything up with drinking or taking drugs to cope- I end up letting my family down and losing their trust - and that just makes me feel worse because they are ones who care.


I feel like I have slowly but surely dropped completely out of life. Except now I am 26 almost 27. When I was home after college and had no direction- it felt bad but I still felt young and felt like a future was ahead of me. Now I don't have that feeling at all.


I don't know how I got here. In grade school, I was the kid with the highest ambition. Was seen as one of the promising students throughout college and early grad school too. But then I just sort of fell apart. I havent been out of bed really all weekend - even to eat. I feel so bad.


I ruined everything. And not drinking feels isolating too. I want to do the same social clubs that I used to do and see my old drinking buddies again.
   
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Re: Haven't been here in a while but: I have been doing really bad - August 5th 2019, 05:25 AM

You need to do therapy right now. Try not to feel down in the dumps, how you feel depends on how you look at things. You need to find a future. There many cases where those who see themselves as beings without a future end up shining brighter than anybody out there.

Those clubs are available. You can join clubs that are on and about, and you deserve better than to do this to yourself.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: Haven't been here in a while but: I have been doing really bad - August 7th 2019, 06:48 PM

I remember you. I'm sorry to hear you are having a really difficult time at the moment, but it's good to see that you have checked back in with us

As someone who is facing slightly similar issues, I understand. You aren't alone in this.

Drinking and drug use, while it may seem like an escape at the time, may only lead to more problems later on. It also makes sense that it would affect your ability to be focused and motivated to study, even for some time after. If you haven't already, you should try seeking professional help to quit the drinking and drugs.

You mention that when you started your grad program it felt like a re-birth after being without direction after college but you later lost focus and hope and I'm wondering if you can think of any reason behind that? Understandably when you realise that you have no career, no significant other, friends close by etc. that you would feel more hopeless. It also makes sense that you might not have previously taken therapy seriously and felt that you could figure it out on your own. I also understand that Aspergers and therapy don't always go well together. That said you might want to keep trying with therapy or find someone who specialises in or knows about Aspergers. I'm not sure what it's where you are but here there is more research into Aspergers and therapy and how to make therapy work for those with Aspergers.

Having Aspergers can definitely make life difficult and you may feel lonely, that none of your dreams will ever come to fruition and you may have spent a lot of time and effort trying to change or 'fix' yourself, only to feel disappointed when it doesn't work. This can understandably leave you feeling anxious and depressed about your life.

While you can't do much about the Asperger's, there are still some things in your control. Firstly, try not to compare yourself (easier said than done, I know). When you compare yourself to your parents, all you are doing is making yourself feel worse about where you are in life. Everyone reaches different milestones at different rates and your parents would likely have faced different challenges to you so it makes no sense to compare.

Secondly, your dreams are not dead. You might have to make some adjustments but that doesn't mean you can't achieve the things you want. For now, it seems like the depression and anxiety are affecting you greatly and it may help to get therapy to help you overcome these issues. Try to break your goals down into small and realistic things that you can work towards achieving. For example, even though you wanted a 6/7 figure salary, your smaller goal would be to get a job that allows you some financial independence. With time, you could set your sights on a more higher up position that would allow an increase in your salary.

When we feel depressed, it's common to lose interest in things we once found enjoyable. You could still go to the beach and amusement parks though. You may find that getting out and actively doing something can help to ease some symptoms of depression. The irony with depression is that we often don't have the energy to do things but it can help to do the opposite and be active in some way. You could also try new things to see if anything sparks your interest. At the same time, try to be gentle on yourself. Depression is a horrible thing to go through and you can't force yourself to be happy or be exactly the way you used to be. You will overcome the feelings of depression over time.

I understand with Aspergers that a big part of that is struggling socially so I understand that this could affect dating and friendships. But it's not impossible to have these things, though it will take some effort on both parts, like any relationship. I know it's hard when previous relationships haven't worked out but I'm a big believer in using previous experiences as a learning curve. Being self-aware and reflecting on what did and didn't work out can help you when it comes to new relationships.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. It sounds like your family does care about you though. Is it possible to open up to them and let them know how you have been feeling and that you are struggling at the moment? You deserve their support and it sounds like they may be concerned about your substance use.

Your experience of being a promising student during your school years only to find yourself having dropped out and feeling lost and falling apart is quite common, more so with Aspergers. But you can get through this. You still have time and you still have a future. Keep reaching out for support and taking small steps to reach your goals. Take care


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