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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Have to make it until Sunday - July 31st 2020, 07:39 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]TW: Grief, mention of SH and suicide:

Okay, so I've been going through a really hard time recently - my best friend died three months ago, and I clearly I haven't been able to get over it. After that, most of my friends sort of left me on my own. I made close friends with some people who I kind of knew before and they've been lovely.

I'm worried that I'm going to shove them away though, between bouts with depression and grief, self-harm struggles where I've literally had to hand over razorblades, and thoughts of suicide (that I haven't mentioned), frankly even though I know I'm a good friend when I'm good, I'm a terrible friend when I'm bad, and that has been frequently lately.

It got to the point last night, I almost cut, I have two and a half years clean. One of my friends let me stay with them for awhile, and I made it to today.

I kind of feel like I'm at a point where if I'm not 100% honest with them about my feelings, I'm not going to get anywhere and it's going to end terribly. So I made a goal to tell two of my friends today, and actually talk about my grief in depth vs. "i miss my best friend," and to actually open up about my problems, and to even tell them "I feel empty inside, and I don't want to live, but I don't want to die yet, I need someone to help me figure this out." I kind of have an order that I want to go in, and the first person I want to talk too can't talk until Sunday afternoon, which is less than 48 hours but to me that feels like eternity. I'm trying to hold out until Sunday, but I'm worried I can't. My friend, who I'm talking to on Sunday, also told me I have to bring all of the razorblades I have, their recovering from substance use and told me that razor blades were just as bad for me as their choice of drug was to them... which I understand. I just, I don't know how to do this. I have two of my other close friends I could talk to before, but I'm closest with the first one and therefore need to say it to him first.

I think that I was hopeful that I could say it all today and be good, but I can't and having to hold all of this in me for two whole days sounds like so much pressure right now.

Any thoughts would be helpful.[/size][/color][/font]
   
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Re: Have to make it until Sunday - July 31st 2020, 11:22 PM

Hello, thank you so much for coming onto Teenhelp and telling us about what you have been going through. I am so sorry that you have been having a hard time with this and hope that you will be okay soon.

When you have lost someone we can feel so many things and that is totally fine to do and I am so sorry for you're loss. One of the ways that can help you is to write a letter and put everything in it that you are feeling and then you can rip it up and throw it away. By doing this it can take some of the hurt that you have been keeping inside of you and come out and you can feel a little bit better. Also finding something to get you're mind off of this for a while, going for a walk around you're house or putting on funny movie or TV show or drawing or painting or reading or writing or finding something else that you can do and do that for a while.

Would you be able to find someone to talk to about this and let them know that you are having a hard time? Maybe someone in you're family or one of you're friends and see what they can do for you. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs to help.


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Re: Have to make it until Sunday - August 1st 2020, 07:02 PM

Hey there. I am sorry you are struggling so. I've been there and it's absolute hell. For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly strong and brave for handing your razors over to friends. I had to do that for years and only just recently feel healthy enough to have objects like that in my possession, unsupervised. So it's okay to ask others for help with that. You've made it so far and you should be really proud of yourself!

Honestly my best advice is to not think about the two days. It's much. MUCH easier to approach suicidal/self-harm thoughts in smaller increments of time. I would suggest that, when you have a particularly strong urge, you tell yourself to wait fifteen minutes before acting on it. Then during that fifteen minutes you distract yourself with another activity, preferably one that matches the intensity of your urges. Oftentimes after fifteen minutes it's forgotten, but sometimes it's not (as that's what usually happened to me). Then you just start over, and you keep living in the present moment (not watching the clock for the fifteen minutes to be over) until you don't feel the urges anymore.

Grief is a powerful thing, and I doubt your friends see you as a bad friend. Everyone's mental health suffers at some point and it's unrealistic to be expected to be there and present during those times. It sounds like you have good friends and I imagine they understand.

Along those lines, sometimes it's better to seek professional help. If you can't afford or find a therapist, you can call or text hotlines. Those can be good in times of crisis. If you truly can't stay safe I know it's scary but you should go to your local hospital emergency room and ask for help. You may be placed in a psychiatric facility. They aren't exactly fun but they're not as bad as people make them out to be, and you can get hooked up with good help and resources there.

Good luck, and if you need anything PM me. I am here for you.



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Re: Have to make it until Sunday - August 4th 2020, 03:33 AM

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your sharing here on TeenHelp.

I'm so sorry regarding the death of your best friend - words cannot describe the grief we feel when someone so close is no longer with us. And the aftermath, where we deal with the consequences and with our own mental trauma, can be just so confusing and difficult. I can empathise how overwhelming it must be; like Emma said, writing down your feelings for the time being (until you can meet with a person to talk about it) is a great outlet.

At vulnerable times like these, you are doing the absolutely right thing by reaching out to your close friends. And you're right, it's better to be 100% honest and let it all out - the more we keep to ourselves, the more it'll prick us. You also did the right thing by handing over those items which would cause harm.

Seeing that it's now already past 31 July, I believe you would've met your friend and spoken to them. I really hope it went well and you feel better now. Even if it didn't, don't worry, because you can always reach out to someone else in the coming days, possibly the second close friend you had planned to speak with.

Remember that it's NEVER too late to speak up and ask for help, especially professional help. Like Eli said, there are trained people out there who can assist us during times like these. Crisis hotlines are incredible especially during those excruciating moments when we're utterly distraught and have nowhere to go and no one to seek.

If you need to speak to anyone, you can always drop me a DM.

Take care!
   
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