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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Fear of failing... - June 1st 2009, 07:34 AM

God, I don't know what to write because it's so hard to put into words... how do I even begin to describe this? I don't even know if this is the right thread, it's leading to depression - but, it's not and is...

Life's a roller coaster, there's the steady, the rise and then once in a while you've got the plunge. I fear the fall. It's like everything is building up towards it, people waiting and watching to see if that moment will ever come. Will you break down when that happens or take it in stride?

As an adoptee, one of the things I've always feared was failure. Since I was a baby. Any word of criticism cut me down to my very core. I have a very little self-esteem, stemming all the way to back then - it's in my 'baby notes,' and everything seems like it can break if I let people down. One note of how bad it is, I fear my father will disown me over bad grades... even though in my heart I know that wouldn't happen.

All my life people have known my love for film, that it feels like the whole community, my family, my birth family (that I don't know) are all watching and waiting to see if I succeed. It's become more in tune to the fear of failing, of not being perfect, of letting them down that's become the motivating force in my life. I lost living life for me as I was burdened by everyone watching.

For the first time, everything in my life is coming together. I've made my first friend (the son of an academy award winner) - since I was five - I have potential friends and a cool roommate for when I get to LA (asked him, even though I feared he'd say no), and an internship at Warner Brothers.

So, my life should be going great, right? Wrong. I'm right at the door now, I'm seeing my future in the distance - that's how close I am. I can feel it. But, there's also the fear that my grip on it isn't tight enough, that'll slip loose and break away... but, due to everything going good now - everyone's seeing me at that door. It's like a guarantee for everyone now, more than it's ever been in the past.

But, what if I fall? I don't think I can survive this time. It's like climbing to the near top of Mt. Everest, with the world watching via live television programming - only to have you fall at the last second. That's how intimidating and ashamed and fearful I feel of the possible fall. It's monumental.

I wish for just once I can live life for me. Because it's what I love, without all these eyes on me. It would make things a heck of a lot easier. If I rise and fall on my own terms, then nothing can ever beat me. But, with everyone watching - I wouldn't only let myself down, I'd let everyone down as well and how could I ever handle that? Might be becoming a winner, but I can't feel it, all I feel is the fear.

"In your life you seem to have it all
You seem to have control
But deep within your soul
You're losing it"

- Breakdown. Tantric.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; June 1st 2009 at 07:47 AM.
   
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Bill Mather
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Re: Fear of failing... - June 1st 2009, 07:52 AM

I have the same roller coaster view on life. I know that you have been through more being older and all but I know what you mean. I have been to the bottom and found secret hatch after secret hatch to make me get lower and lower. I don't know why. But I have felt this way for around six seven months now. It sucks I know. But if it helps, look on the brighter side of things. There may be few depending on what your life is at, but look at the small things, and try to look past the fog that you see at the top of the coaster. Who knows it may bring an up part... Its up to you.


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Re: Fear of failing... - June 4th 2009, 12:59 AM

I feel the same way you do right now. I've had it so much with failing, that I fear getting back up because I might fail again.
All I can tell you is what one of my friends told me: "Failure is a natural part of life. You fail, you learn from it, and you move on. Case closed."


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