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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
punk rocker with attitude
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Name: Jennifer
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it's geeting worse - June 4th 2009, 04:23 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

As you all know by now I'm bipolar and my meds aren't working. I'm not quite sure if it's better to put this in the self harm or the suicide part. But I'm about ready to break.

It's been two horrible days all I want to do is curl up and scream. Yesterday, my ex found out that i was lying to him about being with other guys because I wanted to keep him at a distance because I was afraid he'd hurt me. Then I went through a bad suicidal fit and he got on my case about that's the reason why he's not with me, the fact about the lying and i have this problem. I know he's not right for me whatever but jeeze. Everybody got on my case about everything yesterday.

My mom wasn't happy with my job of choice i was a cam girl meaning i got naked in front of cam for money. So she said I couldn't do that. I got a laptop from rent-a-center put under my friends name. That really made my day worse.

I was unmedicated because my medications cost too much and it's hard to keep them in supply and either way the therapist thinks it's not right.

It's even gotten to the point I had to move the ice cube trays and remove the razor blade from the kitchen so I didn't hurt myself or kill myself.

I've gotten to the point I'm selling my guitar for $200 and getting money from my friend who isn't hte same one that I got the laptop under for my laptop and I'm thinking I"m undeserving of money or anything like that. It's gotten that bad.

I'd rather not rant anymore because it's not fair to anybody to ear.

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off. ~ Miley Cyrus

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: it's geeting worse - June 4th 2009, 09:22 PM

Hey Jennifer.

I'm sorry that your medication isn't working for you right now. It must be very hard for you right now and it's understandable that yesterday made you feel worse. However, yesterday is in the past. I think that it'd be best to try and sort things out with your ex so that would be one less thing to worry about - you don't need any extra stress right now.

I can understand why your mother wasn't happy with the job that you chose, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It shows that your mother is interested in looking after you although I know that it can be frustrating if it's something that you wanted to do. If you are completely positive that you'd be comfortable with that job then you could still consider going through with it - you are 22 and old enough to make your own decisions. Saying that, there are other jobs that may be more suitable for you and your mother may be more approving of - perhaps you could ask her to help you to find a more suitable profession?

Is there any way that you could find some financing for your medication? I think that if you believe it could help you somewhat, it would be worth finding the money for - your health should always come first. You could consider talking to your therapist about this further - they may be of more help than me as i'm not sure what the situation is in Indiana for getting finances/medication.

It is a very, very positive sign that you've removed your razor blade and that you're trying to keep yourself safe, it's important that you continue to take these measures to protect yourself. You should be very proud of yourself for being this strong and managing to take measures such as that. It is fine to 'rant' too, Jennifer - it's better to tell people how you are feeling rather than bottling up your feelings.

We're always here if you need to talk more. Take care.
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Re: it's geeting worse - June 5th 2009, 05:00 AM

Hey Jennifer,

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear about the bad days

But like Stephanie, I did notice a few things that kind of made me pause and go "wow, she should be really proud of that." Like realizing that your ex isn't the right person for you, and trying to do what's best for you in terms of being around him - it's really amazing that you're sticking up for yourself. Keep doing that.

And moving the razor blade - it's soooo great that you took that initiative.

You're a really cool person, and everybody deserve to get help of whatever sort when they need. And everybody deserves a chance to rant. So don't ever hesitate

Hang in there.

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: it's geeting worse - June 10th 2009, 11:40 PM

thanks guys i'm doing almost 100% better today

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off. ~ Miley Cyrus

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Re: it's geeting worse - June 12th 2009, 03:56 AM

I am glad you are feeling better. Like the others said you should be proud of yourself for some of the things you did; like getting rid of the razors and ice cube tray. This shows what a strong person you are and how badly you want to get better and stay better. Awesome job!

You said you struggle with paying for your medicine and I totally understand where you are coming from. However, have you considered talking to the doctor you get the medicine from and explaining to him the difficulty you are having with obtaining/paying for your medicine? Sometimes doctors are able to work with their patients and give them free medicine(through samples) and what not. That usually depends on your doctor and the type of medicine you are taking. Some medicines don't come with samples. It is never good to go without medication because the 'comedown' can lead to you feeling worse.

Sometimes drug stores have medication plans for people who don't have prescription coverage(I am not sure whether or not you do so I thought I would put this out here). My brother doesn't have any type of medical or prescription drug coverage and he recently had to get medicine, he was freaking out about it but then he got some information about some drugs stores that supply their own type of prescription coverage or give medicine for cheap to people who don't have coverage. You could always look into that. I don't know where you live but places like walgreens, walmart, longs drugs store and what not have those types of plans. I would really recommend you looking into that.

You said you have a therapist, have you talked to him about the way you are feeling? He/she might be able to help you. You also said that your therapist didn't think the medicine was right; what did you think of the medicine? Did you think it was having any effect on your moods? If you did maybe you should listen to yourself...sometimes you need to listen to yourself more than the doctors. Doctors are there to help you but they cannot controll your treatment completely. They are there to listen to you and take your ideas and feelings into consideration.

Have you considered doing research on the different medicines out there and asking your doctor what he thinks of them? It wouldn't hurt to try. Sometimes it is good to get involved in every aspect of your healing process. The doctors need your opinion in order to know if they are doing the right thing.

Hope this helped in some way and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.

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