Triggering (Suicide): Life is so tiring

[Soda_Voxel]

I'm so tired of feeling hopeful and happy and having reasons to live and then having my mood shattered over and over and over again - I just want to feel good for something; to feel good as other people are; to feel good enough for myself It's just not fair - it feels like everyone is good at so much but no matter how much I try I'll never catch up to what they are I know I need to be kinder to myself but it's so hard when it's so easy to just treat myself how my brain thinks I deserve I wish there was a way to just go into the void and have never existed so that the people I love wouldn't be upset Even though they shouldn't be because I just drag them down half the time I really thought I was getting better but it's just so easy to slip back again ps Sorry for poor formatting I can't use a lot of punctuation and stuff because my keyboard is very broken

[Ennui.]

I definitely can relate to a lot of what you are saying, especially the part about not being able to catch up with other people and where they are.

It's important to remind yourself that everyone develops at their own pace. There are people who go to college for the first time at 30, for example, or people who make career changes in their 40s. There's no timeline for success, and even the small steps count. I know it's super easy to compare yourself to other people, but I bet they have their own struggles that they don't talk about as well. The thing with social media, or even socializing in real life, is that people don't always share the things that they're having a hard time with, so we only see the things they want to show off.

There's a concept called opposite action. It's basically where we do the opposite of what we want to do. For example, if you want to isolate, you do the opposite and be social. If you want to self harm (just as example), you urge surf and ride the wave, but you don't give in. It may help you treat yourself a little better if you do the opposite.

I bet you don't drag people down, even though your brain may think that. People wouldn't stick around if you were dragging them down, and there's always someone in your life who loves you and supports you. As long as it's a two-way street, you should be okay.

Don't negate all of the progress you have made. You thought you were getting better, which means you did make progress! Any step forward counts, even if it doesn't feel like it. Having a slip up doesn't mean all of that progress goes away. It shows that you are capable of making positive changes in your life, and you can come back even stronger next time. You can do this!

[Ambedo.]

I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing those feelings currently.

Comparing ourselves to others is such an easy trap to fall into, especially with the rise of social media. It can certainly become challenging, especially when we feel like we aren't "caught up" with where other people are. One key thing to remember is that social media is, more or less, a highlight reel. When people choose to share things on a more public scale, they are typically choosing to share the best parts of their life: a big accomplishment, a fun experience they recently had, etc. We don't often see what's "behind the scenes": the challenges, the failures, the self-doubt, etc. Reframing your perception of what you see of people's lives can serve as a reminder that no one has a life as perfect as what we see on the outside. It's equally important to remember that everyone develops at their own pace. Dez provided some great examples of that. I want to add that your life doesn't need to fit into what is considered "the norm" to be successful. The small choices you make daily are just as important as the bigger choices and, as long as those choices are being made in a way that feels right to you, you're on a great path.

As you mentioned, it's easy to give in to the negative thoughts, even while knowing that we should be kinder to ourselves. There's something about that negativity that has a way of taking hold and it doesn't let go easily. One thing that I've found to be helpful when faced with negative self-talk is to ask myself if I would ever think of or speak to someone else in that way. How would I feel if someone that I cared about was saying those things to themselves about themselves? If you wouldn't treat another person the way you treat yourself, then you know you're being too harsh. Perhaps you could try reciting positive affirmations or creating a list of things that you do like about yourself to look back on when you're struggling with negative thoughts. These don't have to be major things. They could be as simple as "I am a kind person" or "I really like my sense of style". Having positivity at your disposal that you can use to combat the negativity can be really beneficial in those moments.

While it's certainly easy to feel like it, I highly doubt you drag others down. The people that are in your life are there for many reasons, but the common thread among all of them is likely that they love and care about you. With that, there comes a want to support you, see you succeed, and be there for you when you need them most. When you start to question that, remind yourself that staying in your life is a choice and it is one that they are actively making every day.

The fact that you mentioned thinking that you were getting better is proof that you were and are making progress. The tricky thing about mental health is that it can be such a rollercoaster. It comes with so many highs and lows, but try not to let the lows negate the progress that you have made. It sounds like you were taking steps to care for yourself and actively work on improvement, which is something to be very proud of yourself for. Continue taking those steps, one at a time. Even when it doesn't seem like it, they are benefitting you.

I really hope this helped some! Please feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk. You got this!