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katastrophic. Offline
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Name: Katalina
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help, anyone... - June 12th 2009, 06:54 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have undiagnosed depression.. I've known for a long time that I have been suffering from it but my parents don't know. They don't understand what is wrong with me... I had been going to a counsellor (I went two or three times) for something that had happened in the past and she had evaluated me and she was the first person who ever told me that I most likely have depression. It's been really hard dealing with it on my own, especially with some particular events that are taking place right now in my life. It's so frustrated for them not to see that I'm suffering... They get angry at me for being so tired, lifeless, careless, and reckless. I have been making very bad decisions and not caring about the results for a long time now, but lately they have been worse. My parents think I have low self esteem because the guy I have been with apparently isn't good for me. They think he's bad... He's not, but I don't want to discuss why they think he is right now... It makes me angry because I don't have low self esteem, I choose to continue to be with him because he makes me happy and I am so miserable that anyone who can make me feel better is worth it. But they have forbidden me to have any contact with me and that has made me feel really really shitty. I am having to try so hard to not hurt myself. The urge has gotten so bad that I acually had to text my friend (who I never even admit to that I was suicidal before then) and she had to calm me down. I have NEVER admit to anyone that I used to hurt myself or that I wish I was dead 75% of the time, until now. I'm trying to reach out, but I'm afraid. I want to be okay again... But with everything that is going on I couldn't even enjoy the last day of school today... I have hypothyroidism/hashimoto's thyroiditis and I recently learned that the disease can be linked to causing depression so that really cleared up the constant dark cloud during a lot of my childhood... But because of everything that has happened the past few years I have progressively gotten worse to the point where I am now. I don't know what I'm asking from all of this, I just don't know what to do... My parents don't trust me, I'm being forced to cut all contact with someone I really care about, I am not allowed to hang out with the person who has been able to acually help me through this, and everything is getting so out of control I can't handle even being in this house. I just want advise, or comfort, or for someone to just read this... Because I can't handle all of this anymore...
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Glow Offline
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Re: help, anyone... - June 12th 2009, 10:14 PM

Hi Katalina! First off, I just want to say that you have the prettiest name ever
Anyway, back to topic. I congratulate you for atleast trying to reach out to other people! If others don't know what you're going through, then we can't properly anyway give good advice and the comfort you need (and that everyone needs really.) So don't be afraid. Pick out some people you can trust and have a conversation. You've been bottling a lot up and its past time to let it out. Sometimes its just an ear to listen (or an eye if online) and sometimes its more. But, things aren't going to happen if you don't try to find good people.

Personally, whether this is true or not, I frequently make an ant hill into a mountain and may be prone to depression. I stress out easily and things just go haywire. But the one thing that has saved me is talking. So, maybe we can talk sometime. I'd love to hear from you.

Suicide isn't the answer to your problems. Please please don't end your life. Even though, I don't know you, I still care. We're in this together, ok?

So, I guess that's all I have to say for now. By the way, I recommend you check out the song Altar and the Door by Casting Crowns. Some of the words you used in your post reminded me of the first stanza.

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