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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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A relationship dilemma that has left me attempting suicide twice. - June 14th 2009, 12:21 AM

I am not going to sit here and "PG-13" what I say. If you don't like it, don't read it. Also, I am not going to sit here and babble on for pages. I am going to cut down straight to the point.

So here is the deal. I am a 19 year old, currently in the Navy.

I joined the Navy to better myself, and to put me in a better situation. Instead, my life got worse.

Now, time to explain. First of all, my childhood:

My dad left my mom and I before I was born. I heard from him and had seen him for the first and last time when I was 8. He promised to be in my life. He left. I called him every year, wanting to talk to him. His wife answered the phone one year and told me he doesn't want to talk to me. He died when I was 16.

My father never wanted me.

Now, my mother. She raised me on her own until I was 16. She had many boyfriends throughout my life. One day her boyfriend got in a fight with her and hit her. I protected her, and went after her boyfriend. She got mad at me, told me all my life I prevented her from being happy and having a love in her life. She threw me out of the house.

My mother didn't want me.

I went to live with my friend and his mother. She was going to adopt me after a bit. She then died of a heart attack. I then went and lived on my own until I joined the navy.

Now, past relationships. I never had a good one. Ever. I was always being cheated on, I even had an ex steal my car and intentionally crash it while she was cheating on me with my best friend.

I have only had 2 people in my life that have really been around for me. My mother, until she didn't want me anymore, and my last girlfriend, who now wants nothing to do with me.

Now, about her. She has been a good friend of mine for a little while. She lives in NJ. I am stuck in SC, due to the Navy. One day I went on leave to see her, and in a few days we became a couple. We loved each other a lot. I stayed in NJ long after when I was supposed to go back to SC. I loved her to much to leave her. Eventually, I was forced to go back to SC. After that, the relationship went down hill. Quickly. I tried to save the both of us pain by ending the relationship. We just couldn't be together. We ended up back together, just for me to end the relationship again. This happened quite a few times. I would always end the relationship, just for us to be back together again in a few days. This ended up hurting her, and caused her to turn to a friend for support. She ended up cheating on me. This hurt me quite a bit. For the next several months, I would always be breaking up the relationship due to fear of things happening like they did in my past, fear of her cheating on me again, etc. She never did cheat on me again though. Anyways. I was out on the ship for a month, and I found out through an e-mail that I wouldn't be seeing her prior to me going on a 6 month deployment. I didn't know if she didn't love me anymore. I didn't know if while I was gone for a month, she found someone she could be with physically at this exact point in time, I just didn't know what would cause her to not want to come and see me. I got extremely upset, and broke up the relationship, again, through an e-mail. I said to her... many things I should have never said. I said many things that have gotten me completely disgusted with myself.

It was the last straw for her. She has hardly spoken to me since. It has been 2 weeks now. I caused myself to believe that she didn't love me, just because of everything in my past.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I cut myself in many places, and I swallowed nearly an entire bottle's worth of sleeping pills. I was just tired of everyone in my life that I truly cared about leaving me. I didn't want to live anymore just to feel the pain of it happening again.

Sure enough, I am in the Navy. I did this while I was on the ship. I was found, passed out and bleeding, and I ended up with medical attention quite quickly. In not too long, they had me stable again. I got the burden of needing to speak with a chaplain many times a day, and got to be monitored 24/7. I was told to try and fix the relationship, yada yada. I am an intelligent person, good looking, a bright future ahead of me. The regular shit that even the most stupidest, ugliest, worthless people hear. Of course, my girlfriend was done. She wouldn't respond to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. She no longer cared, nor loved me anymore. I got everyone to believe I was alright, etc, and no longer had so much attention drawn to myself.

I tried for a few more days, while I was off the ship, to fix the wrongs I made with my girlfriend, all that happened was me being told that I was harassing her, and being told to get lost. I got sick of it again. I wanted nothing more then to just have her love me again. She is all that I have. Yet, it wasn't going to happen. Again, I tried to kill myself. I took... many pills, and did more things to myself. I went completely unconcious for 8 hours until a friend saw me in my room. Again, I got medical attention, and again, I am still living. Now I get to deal with being monitored 24/7, with no signs of it ending soon. I am not allowed to have access to anything that I could use to hurt myself, I am pretty much being held captive to live a life that I don't want.

The only thing keeping me alive right now, and preventing me from doing everything I possibly can to off myself, is just the hope that somehow I can fix things with her and I. She is, literally, all that I have thats worth living for. I just can't have her leave my life and expect everything to be fine. I have so many things around me that is constantly reminding me of her. I have a tattoo on my wrist that I got for her, which has been subject to a knife wound on the ship, I have an engagement ring that I spent $8,000 for and had plans of presenting to her, my uncle currently has possession of a pony that I bought for her, I just have so many things constantly reminding me of her 24/7.

If I am unable to work things out, it is safe to assume that I am going to go all out on ending my life. I just have nothing to keep me happy anymore.

My plans right now are to just.. give her some space for a bit, and pray that eventually she will start to miss me or something. If it doesn't work, then there is just nothing left for me to do.

I just don't know what could possibly be left. I don't want to move on, partly due to the fact that.. I can't. I just have way too many things constantly reminding me of her. I can't even look down at my hands without a memory of her popping into my head. This is literally driving me crazy, and I just can't take it anymore.

All I want in my life is her. I want to be able to show my love for her, and right the wrongs that I have made.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just go all out on ending everything, or wait for a chance of the two of us getting back together. I just don't know what to do. Either way, my life is pretty much over. No woman would want to be with a guy like me. Look at me? I am typing to a bunch of anonymous people, telling them about a problem that can't be solved, and I already know what every single person is going to tell me. I am just worthless.
   
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Re: A relationship dilemma that has left me attempting suicide twice. - June 14th 2009, 01:10 AM

you are NOT worthless every one is worth the same as everyone else which is A LOT. You are serving us in war time this is sdomething many people will NOT do you are NOT worthless. The girl and you may try getting together to talk things out?
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Re: A relationship dilemma that has left me attempting suicide twice. - June 14th 2009, 01:42 AM

Hey,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly. You are not worthless. No person in this world is worthless because if they were they would not have been born. Worthless people are not brought into this world.(That probably makes no sense) Anyways you must be a decent person to want to serve in the navy a job that involves helping people to some extent.

Now, I am sorry to hear that your parents treated you so harshly. That was uncalled for and I am so very sure it was hurtful. But, just because your parents did that to you doesn't mean you are worthless or unlovable or any such thing. As cheesy as this might sound: sometimes people should never become parents and sometimes people don't know how to show the right amount of love to their children. This does not mean you did anything wrong; your parents were the ones at fault!

You said that you went to live with a friend who's mother was going to adopt you but than she died, right? Well, think of it this way, that woman must have seen something good in you to want to adopt you and love you. So, maybe when you feel down you can think of her and the love she must have had for you. I know it can be painful to think about those we have lost to deaht but in some ways it can be comforting to think about the love they had for us.

Also, what happened to the friends who's mother wanted to adopt you? He must have cared for you to invite you into his home, right? So, maybe you could try getting into contact with him again.

I think giving your gf some space would be a good idea. You said yourself that you said some mean things so maybe you need to let her get over them or whatever? You said you apologized to her and everything but did you explain the reasons behind your hurtful words?

As much as her love means to you relying on it to keep you going is not a good thing. As much as having other people love you is important you should not depend on someone's love so very much. Because then when they let you down it hurts ten times harder.

Please don't do anything rash and continue talking to people about your problems. Please, live for yourself. You have gone through a lot and I understand how painful that can be but don't give up on yourself. I am sure that there are many girls out there who would want you.

Please stay safe and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.


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