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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Brittany123 Offline
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Just trying to hold on... - June 17th 2009, 06:43 PM

I have been previously labeled as self-harm addict... I really havent cut lately but the urges are unbearable and I dont think I can hold them back much longer...

So many things have been goinng wrong and so many things are slowly falling apart before my eyes that I am beginning to think its not even worth it anymore...

a month ago my great-grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and she was told she only has 9 months to live... So now its about 8

Just a few days ago my grandfather.. was told he only has 7 months to live... due to the fact that he has been battling cancer all over his body for the past 3 years...

My grandmother.. has cancer as well but she refuses to take treatment because of my grandfather.. she feels if he doesnt have a chance then why should she...

My mother has a history of congested heart failure at the age of 29... She has over active throid and about 7 other serious medical illnesses.. currently including pneumonia... Which shes had for now 2 weeks... Every other week she is being rushed to the hospital for one reason or another.. And at the time is disabled and can not work..

I have a spine fracture in my lower back which constantly causes severe pain.. which causes me to be quite bitchy when it really hurts... I also have diagnosed myself with depression.. For quite obvious reasons...

A little over a month ago.. a kid my age who i was once friends with commited suicide.. I still beat myself up about it and blame myself for not doing more before It came to that.. I think about him ALL day.. ALL night.. nothing i do isnt influenced by the thought of him.. He is in every part of my life now.. and there is nothing i can do to stop it.. Hes always on my mind..

I get alot of crap from every one in my family.. they expect me to so the best because Ive been a better student then my entire family put together... My grandfather (the terminal one) especially thinks the most of my future.. he tells me every chance he gets that I need to get into a good school and get a really good paying job and support my family.. (momma and 4 year old brother) I try so hard to live up to their expectations buit every time i come short of them I get so depressed because i feel like i am letting them down.. especially my grand father..

Not only my immediate family scoldes me.. My father left when he found out my mom was pregnant at 16 and left us both poor and homeless.. So my mother and myself have moved into one boyfriends house after another.. a continuing pattern.. Until this guy Ken.. He got my mom pregnant.. then kicked all 3 of us out onto the street... Every time he sees me he scolds me as well... Like hes my father..

But we also found out that he too is really sick and may not make it much longer...

The place I live in now.. is a one bedroom apartment.. That costs almost $1,000... on our own we never would have been able to afford it so Ken.. gives my mom $800 every month to put towards rent.. And my mom only recieves $400 every month for my childs support which leaves us only $200 for food shopping, cable, electricity, etc.. which btw.. doesnt work out too well... and if and when he does die.. what am i and my family supposed to do?

Ive moved around alot my whole life and I know how it is to move away from people.. they miss you for maybe the first month or 2 then they get over it and move on with their life... Out of sight... out of mind.. Thinking that im going to have to pick up and moved again sometime.. is killing me because as crappy as some of my friends treat me.. I really think these are the best friends ive ever had..

I just dont think holding on to this crumbling life is worth it any more.. I know my mom loves me.. and shell be torn up for a while with out me.. but she is strong.. shell get through.. I just cant help my mind from thinkning that maybe with one less child my mom wont have such a hard time supporting herself and my brother.. maybe things wont be so tight and she could have more money to spend on my brother..

I wanna just let go.. Iim not religous.. so i dont believe that when i die i go to heaven or hell..or what ever... but i do believe your spirit has a choice of what is wants.. and right now.. i want to see my friend again.. i wanna be with my family which is slowly but surely dieing off as i know it...

I just dont wanna deal with it any more..

The stress.. my future.. My family.. my friends.. my friends.. and every thing... i just wanna let go.. be free andnot have so much pressure on my shoulders any more..


  (#2 (permalink)) Old
MaggzB Offline
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Re: Just trying to hold on... - June 17th 2009, 06:49 PM

babe ily please dont give up and if you do move you know i wont miss yah for a month then move on ill miss you forever and always <3 ily

i love you <3
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just trying to hold on... - June 17th 2009, 10:25 PM

Hey Brittney,

I am so sorry you are going through SO MUCH but please hold on because it can get better. I know that that doesn't seem possible at the moment but please keep hanging in there and things will look up eventually. When, I can't say, it could be tomorrow or it could be a while from now but it can happen so PLEASE hang on.

I am very so about your grandparents that must be really really tough to deal with but(and I know this probably isn't what you want to hear) love them as much as you can and make good memories with them. Because, that's what's important, right? Having good memories of them?

As for your family expecting so much from you could some of it be that they know how smart you are and don't want you to struggle as much as they have? Maybe your grandfather is pushing you because he thinks "My granddaughter is so smart and she can be anything she wants and she won't have to struggle for ever". Have you ever considered talking to him about it? Not like yelling at him because he is sick or anything but just explain to him that you want to make him proud and you are trying your best but sometimes you feel like you are letting him down. See what he says, you might be surprised. You don't have to say it like that either.

You shouldn't blame yourself for your friend who committed suicide. It was, in the end, his decision. What more could you have done? Did you give him a shoulder to lean on? Someone to talk to? If you did all that what more could you have done? People can only do so much to help people who feel like commiting suicide and in the end it is their CHOICE.

Please, Brittany, don't take your life. It sounds to me like your mom really cares for you and I don't think any amount of money would make up for your LIFE. You know, as much as money might be tough right now I am sure one of the things keeping your mom going is you and your little brother and I bet without either one of you your mom would be distraught and wouldn't know what to do. Please, live for yourself and your family!

Also, if things got really bad their are government programs for people who have money issues. So, there is still hope for you and your family just hang in there and keep on believing in yourself, your future and your family.

I hope this helped some and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.

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ARootlessTree Offline
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Re: Just trying to hold on... - June 18th 2009, 02:44 AM

Every night has it's dawn. You'll get through. Just keep punching back, and it'll be okay. I promise.
YouTube - Guns N' Roses - Patience
there's a song for you

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