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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
Emotionally Unstable
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Name: Lea
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ending it all - June 18th 2009, 07:19 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

im losing it,
i cant stop thinkin about suicide.
and how much i want and need it.
i dont understand y it keeps happening.
my depression hasnt been as bad as its been.
and neither is my cutting i guess.
but i can feel it. like an ache in me.
its goin to come back, and worse.
iv never been without it.
its weird how it feels.
its brewin right now.
and i cant help thinkin that, when it turns really nasty again.
im not gonna cope wit hit this time.
i'll acually do a propper job of ODing this time.
but im not scared of it.
i welcome it.
i want it to end.
maybe i dont want to even recover, i feel im not worth it.
and i cant let go of things that have happened in the past.
so whats the point.
maybe i dont like who i am?
becasue since i was 11 iv felt depressed, cut since i was 11.
because of things when i was younger, and things that have happened after i turned 11.
its all just carried on, being depressed is who i am.
im safe with it, but how the hell can Oding, and SHing b called being safe.
im not, im wrecklesss, and constently feel the need to die.
i just want to die so much, i can express how bad i want it.
and i know i shouldnt really feel like this.
but whats the point in lying?
if dying will make me happy, then i should do it asap

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
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Re: ending it all - June 18th 2009, 07:33 PM

Hey Lea,

I am so very sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are struggling but you can get through this just hang on and hold tough.

Listen to me, okay? Your post reminded me of how I used to be/sound. I used to feel all those things that you did but I don't anymore. I am not completely better but I am a lot better than I was and you can get better too. The key to getting better is believing in yourself. I know that is hard but try because you do deserve to live and enjoy life.

Shing and ODing used to make me feel safe too. But in the end I came to realize that there are ways to feel safer. Why don't you want to talk about the things that happened in your past? You don't have to tell me, I am not asking you to, I am asking you to ask yourself that. Please hang on and believe that you can get better.

Lea, do you have a counselor? If not do you think you could get one and really talk to him/her? They can be really helpful and they can help you through these rough times. They are equipped to deal with these situations and they are usually very understanding.

Hope this was helpful and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm or aim me.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Re: ending it all - June 18th 2009, 07:47 PM

yes iv seen two counsellor.
neither hav helped.
im suppost to be hearing off anothe one, but its been a month.
n im supposed to ring this group about a 8 step program or something.
but whats the point?
iv got nothing.
nnobody, no firends. nothing
iim so alone, i wish for someone to talk to sometimes.
nobody understands.
poeple live in there old world, not giving a shit about how i feel.
i feel so fucking angry right now.
i no whats hapeneing to me, im going into the darkness again, depression is takin me deeep down again, and i htink im letting it.
i want it to take me so far that its all over.
derpression is my friend?
i want it to be over
i dont want to b real

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Em... Offline
smile; it looks good on you.
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Re: ending it all - June 18th 2009, 07:54 PM

Hi Lea,
It does seem like you're a going through a hard time. Just please hold on a bit longer.

There have been things in your past that have you to this point, but you don't need to do this. You may think you'll be happy not here, but there's nothing when you're not here.

Lea, it's okay if you go to a counsellor. It could help you a lot, if you haven't gone already. Talking about things like your past, and what got you to this point, could help deter you away from these feelings your having. Just let everything bad that's happen in your life, flow away. If you aren't able to see a counsellor you could go to help lines. I believe there's a sticky with all the numbers.

You can defeat this and you will! It may seem like now you can find comfort in SHing and ODing but it's not the way to go. Find something else to take comfort in like picking up a new hobby or such. You don't need to harm your body.

Just please hold on a bit longer Lea! I know you can do it. We are all here for you. PM me anytime you want to talk.

Please take care of yourself.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: ending it all - June 19th 2009, 04:22 AM

Hey Lea,

I kind of understand what you mean, noticing yourself plunging again. For me, there were times that I thought of as "rebound" - I'd manage to lift my mood for a bit but no I was just being set up for another emotional overturn.

But I've managed to sort those out.

You can, too.

So don't give up.

Sometimes it felt like things didn't make sense, when I wasn't feeling down, because there were still things that were wrong. But I found out that that didn't mean that feeling at least kind of okay for the moment was invalid - you get used to, after a while, and then it sticks for longer and "real-er" periods.

Try checking into the group - you might find people you might connect with, become friends with, or like EmiLeigh said, try finding a new hobby - maybe something you can do in groups?

Hang in there, Lea. I'll be thinking of you

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
how.we.operate. Offline
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Re: ending it all - June 19th 2009, 07:22 AM

realize that that is the past. now is the present, but you are the only one that has the ability to change the future. you are the one that can turn your life around--dont think you are alone because you are FAR from alone. why give up? you have fought since you were 11, keep fighting and win this.
if you dont want depression to take over, dont let it. you have the will power to fight.
i hope things get better
PM me sometime
Stay Strong

Leave the past behind, just walk away
When it's over, and the heart break
And the cracks begin to show

*~*~This little girl was alone in the world~*~*
Hold Onto Hope
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