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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
razmataz5 Offline
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why do i feel this way - June 20th 2009, 05:14 AM

i cant take it anymore. i dont feel like writing everything again so here are parts of the email i wrote to my older brother and sister in law (the only people i can actually talk to)

ive been getting in so much trouble latley for the littlest things (i took britton and his friend abie to a movie and they wouldnt let us in to the hangover because i forgot my id...i called mom and said they wouldnt let us in and i told her we would see up in 3d which started at 7:20...she said ok. then. well abie and grace didnt want to see up so we decided to see year one (also started at 7:20). i texted her when we went to dinner. i said "hey we are at pj clarks. we got tickets for year one at 7:20. love you!" she writes back: "love you more!!!!" i called mom after the movie to let her know we were on ur way home. she asked how it was. i said, "o it was ok, kind of stupid but some parts were really funny" mom: "wait, youve already seen it" me: "no mom we didnt see the hangover remember, we ended up seeing year one." mom: "YOU SAID YOU WERE SEEING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME! YOU CHANGE THE PLANS WITHOUT TELLING ME AND IWANTED THE BOYS TO SEE A GOOD MOVIE AND I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE. YOU NEED TO ASK ME FIRST BEFORE YOU CHANGE PLANS.....WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN YOU GET HOME." i even told her we were going to see it. but she was busy and eating dinner and "skipped over that part" and thats not the point, the point is i didnt ask her.

he told me i blew it, kiah you really blew it (beacuse while she was helping grandpa and grandma move i didnt do the dishes today (i did them EVERY other day) and i didnt clean my room (well guess what i was busy BABYSITTING my 15 year old brother like SHE TOLD ME TO DO!) >>>(he is grounded)

ant do anything right. not for her or for dad. no one. i try so hard. i took them to a movie. i sacrafice my own plans to help them. to watch my brother. to make him dinnner to clean up after him to wake him up early in the morning. but still-----i blew it. i ruined it for my brother.

i cant take this anymore. i feel lieki am going to explode. i cant stop crying. im sorry but this is not just one of those "seventeen moments"...other than the fact that now i am 18, i just cant take this anymore.

college is in 80 days and i really dont think i can make it. i really dont. i am exaughsted and i cant stop crying no matter how hard i try.

please please help me try to understand what i am doing wrong. i just dont know. i am trying as hard as i can but they dont see that. i just dont know what iam doing wrong. i just dont know. and i know u will try and argue their side but this reasoning has gone ot the window.

__________________________________________________ ______________


sorry this is so long. you dont have to read all of it. just thought id get it out there because right nwo i could really care less if i lived or died. and i live in a building and im not going to but that window is so tempting. i could just end it all now. i wont. but i seriously could care less about myself. i mean i keep messing up and cant do anything right. nothing.

im really soorry for all of this and sorry its too long. sorry i tried to delete the swears but my head hurts to much to pay attention to that and i feel like i am going to throw up. i just havent felt like this in so long and i hate it. i just want it to all go away. my body feels like it is floating. like my limbs arent attatched. like everything is disconnected. im completly sober and all ive had is two advil to try and make my headache go away which isnt working. so wy do i feel like this? i feel like i have no expressioni in my face if that makes any sense. sorry i wll stop now.
   
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dancer Offline
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Re: why do i feel this way - June 20th 2009, 05:23 AM

Hey there,

take a deep breath hun. It'll be okay. Just try to calm down.

You don't have to apologize - it's good for people to get out everything, and I'm pretty sure you got all the swear words. It was thoughtful of you to go back and remove them.

I'm sorry about all the stress that you're going through right now. It seems like you try to do a lot for your family and those around you - you should be really proud of yourself. People sometimes just respond in the wrong way to the right thing. Please, please don't let others' comments make you feel poorly about yourself. You can do things right, you have done things right.

It seems like you do a lot of caring things for others - please remember that you get to care about yourself, too. You deserve to keep yourself safe, and to do what you need to do for you, as well. I know how far away college can feel (I haven't counted the days till I get to escape out of state because I'm afraid of how daunting the number might be), but time will keep passing, and eventually "80 days away" will be "now."

I know you mentioned your older brother and sister in law - it's great that you have them to talk to. Keep doing that. It might be helpful, too, to see if you could talk to a counselor - even just to help you through the summer.

Hang in there.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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ARootlessTree Offline
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Re: why do i feel this way - June 26th 2009, 04:37 PM

hey buddy

I think you need to tell your mom all of this. Maybe she'll understand, and if not you can't say you didn't try. And once you get into college you'll be away from all of this stuff. Just keep on fighting back, man. Your motivation should be your future. You've made it through high school, and your on your way to a career, so you should be fine.

PM me if you'd like


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