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PureLithium Offline
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Name: Alex
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio

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Join Date: January 8th 2009

I really need to rant right now - June 27th 2009, 04:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Lately I've been feeling so mixed up with my emotions. One minute I'm pissed the next I'm depressed and suicidal. I've had thoughts of committing suicide for about 3 years now. I haven't gotten around to it yet. Something always gets in the way. It's either my parents won't get the fuck off my back to let me have a minute to do it or I'm too caught up with my friends lives and helping them. At certain times I can't leave them because I need to be there to help them. If I were to kill myself, they'd leave too because no one would be there for them. So I'd be stuck. My thoughts are increasing rapidly. With it being summer vacation my dads working more which I love completely because he's the worst person in my life and always has been. Things with my father are very complicated. He's always put things on me, always put me down, I have a history of being abused by him and for so many fucking years put up with it. I'm tired. I want to black out. I've tried to put things together between us but he always finds some reason, some little way to screw things up. I'll put on some nice shirt, thinking I actually look great, walk out into the living room and he always makes some comment like "You look like a fricken slut" or "You shouldn't be wearing that because your chest is too flat". He blames me for the financial troubles we've been having lately. He blames me for going off on the guys at work. He blames me for his boss wanting to lay him off. Like thats my fault!

My father won't let me grow up to do what I want to do. He only wants me to what he could have done and should have done. He has his dreams of me going into the air force, going to get killed in war. Thats all he ever talks about is the navy, army, airforce something in the military. Well I don't want to do that. I wasn't made for him to control my life and tell me what to do with my future. The future is all I have right now but I want to cut it right now. It's obvious I'll never be able to do anything else since I'll be forced to go into the military. In fact I'll probably be willing to go just to try to please my father, to make him accept me and love me. Not for who I am, but as a daughter. As a child.

Another thing about him. He doesn't let things down. At family gatherings he constantly embarasses me and makes fun of me. Seriously, he will sit there making comments about how I look or what my lame hobbies are. If I failed a test or something, he's right there scream at me about it but the second I pass one with flying colors he's not there to see it. I don't even want him to see it. I want him to be gone forever and out of my life.

My mother tries to help and tries to understand but then my father forces her to think his way. She's changed over the years and won't let go of my father. I've told her she can do so much better and she can. She's funny, smart, somewhat good looking. But here's my father, bossing her around to fill his needs. He doesnt take care of himself. He makes my mother do it and it makes her miserable. The only thing we need him for is for income. Nothing else. And once thats up, it's only a matter of time before I find my mom some new boyfriend whether she likes it or not.

Things are catching up with me. I get extreme panic attacks and can get extremely nervous when somethings coming up. Like if I have to go somewhere, the week before I start to get really nervous, I cant sleep, I get panic attacks, even if its nothing at all big. I could have to go to a friends house and I will get really worried. What do I wear? What should I pack? What if we have to do this again? What if what if? I get really nervous about school years. This upcoming one is going to be hell. I have extreme social problems and can't talk to people for crap. I don't know anyone in my classes, as usual and thats not a good thing. That means I have no one I will know at all, therefore deepening my depression and worrying me all the more. I dont even know anyone in lunch. So I'll probably be the loser in the corner.

In 7th grade I knew no one at lunch and in any of my classes. Thats where things really hit me. I became afraid to eat in public. I stopped eating for a while. It was like a minor case of anorexia. I still have it a little bit. In public I get really shy and hide myself when eating. I'll hide behind my hair, or I will hardly touch my plate. Brings up more tension between my father and I. I am even afraid to eat at home infront of him for fear he will call me fat. I'm 5'5 and weigh XXX pounds. He calls me fat.

I think the whole reason I started to ride horses was not only so i could find myself but to kill myself. I seriously wanted to die so bad and what would be more perfect than a quick riding accident? I could be dead by the kick of a hoof. This gave me an uncontrolable drive. I loved the feel of being on a horse. What could happen in the blink of an eye was so exciting. I could be on the ground being stomped all over in 2 minutes. I could be killed in 10 seconds. What a rush.

I used to have a cutting problem. I never cut deep enough to bleed really bad. The blood scared me. I was afraid if I bled too much to the point where it wouldnt stop flowing out I'd have to turn to my parents and disappoint them. I'd cost them money and a trip to the hospital.

My brothers never had to work a day in his life even though he has started his first ever job at 18 about a week ago. He scrubs a school. Makes 300 dollars a week, not bad for a first job. I'm happy for him. But his whole life my parents have given him everything he's asked for. Computers, expensive ink and printers, cameras, cars, insurance, everything. And I have a job now at 15 and my parents get sick of driving me to work. Well I asked if I could get my license, trying to make it more convienent for them. plus I'd pay for insurance and put money towards my own car. My parents said I couldnt get my license until I was 18 because my brother didnt get his till then. Well he had no reason to. No job. No life at all. He sat on the computer 24/7 and hardly ever came out of his room. But when I have a job and a life I'm not allowed to drive or use my life.

Whats the point of having a life if your only making it harder for everyone else? I make my dad miserable and I disappoint my family. They wouldnt have to pay to keep me alive and my dad could save a lot of money. Theres no reason for me to be here. Theres never been a reason. I'm only making my parents and the ones around me's lives miserable. I need to go. I need to let go of everything and get out of here. I need to be off the earth. I need to be dead and then maybe then I can be happy and make everyone else happy. Sorry for wasting your time with my long rant.

Last edited by Lizzie; June 28th 2009 at 08:03 PM. Reason: Removed weight numbers. Please don't post weight numbers anywhere on the site, it is against the site rules.
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dancer Offline
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Re: I really need to rant right now - June 27th 2009, 08:59 PM

Hi Alex,


first off, you're not wasting anyone's time. In fact, I'm really proud of you for sharing all of that.

You being around is not making anyone miserable. In fact, it sounds like you're doing a whole lot to make things easier for other people - by being there for your friends, trying to appease your dad, being there for your mom. You do a whole lot of good, hun.

But you get to take care of yourself, too. I understand how you feel - I have a verbally abusive father, too, and a mother who won't leave him or try to change his behaviour towards her. Same anxiety and eating issues, too. But I promise, none of what's going on is your fault at all. You've actually got a whole lot to be proud of.

I know that it can be really hard, but try not to listen to what your dad says. He's just taking out how he feels about himself on you because he's not mature enough to deal with it himself. And what he says about you - just because he's your parent sure as hell doesn't make him right. You've got a lot of strength, having had to put up with what he says for so long. Remember to find things that you like about you, no matter what else anyone says.

And the things in your friends' lives, and even with your mom - it's amazing that you're so caring, but it's not your responsibility to sort things out for them. Of course, you can be there to help them. But in the midst of helping everyone else, you get to take care of yourself, too. You deserve to be happy.

Have you tried talking to a counselor? Family therapists can often be helpful. Or is there anyone like a youth group leader, a friend's parent, an older relative, or someone else like that who you could tell about what's going on? You deserve to get out of the situation that your in and into one way better for your happiness level.

You need to stick around, hun. You sound like an awesome person, and you're the only one, ever who can be her.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime

Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
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